Thursday, March 29, 2007

on the cusp of change

Thursday, March 29, 2007
phrases i like, plan to use sometime:

"... flashes of sulphur yellow ...."

"... ablaze of white ..."

"... feathers, slicked down ..."

" ... delegation of birds ..."

well. i am here. and not en route to the train station, as i imagined myself @ the beginning of the week. sim was right. when she told me that, once i made my decision, i would feel absolutely ecstatic. i do. i feel ... soooo excited. first time in my own bed for several months. with all my furniture. no more living outta bags and boxes. we will all be together for the first time in a couple years.

i feel some strangeness seeping into me. like - the strangeness of change. i watched oprah yesterday. she had the dinner of a lifetime for sydney poitier and 7 guests. a touching event. frought with emotional and spiritual intensity. i am feeling this .... thing in me ... this thing that senses what others do not ... that senses what, physically cannot be senses. it grows ever stronger. the tears of another -- quickly become mine.

when i spend these tiny periods of solitude, i discover little bits of myself. like ... why people intimidate me so. being around them ... i find so overwhelming. i feel every molecule ... every electrical impulse from every cell. i feel their very essence and core. i am beginning to feel as though nursing denuded my soul by causing this .... sensory thing that lives inside me .... to explode exponentially inside me.

this thing ... its so very underdeveloped and immature. the feelings that manifest themselves in my sensing ... they get tangled up .... imagine a large, matted clump of hair. and for those of us with a long, wild mane, imagine how painfully slow, delicate and difficult de-matting this clump becomes ... as it grows.

i must read about the emperors in antarctica.

i cannot focus. maybe the emperors will help.