Thursday, January 25, 2007

fix it

Thursday, January 25, 2007
i walked toward the window
for -
i can't remember why
i walked toward the window.
like the space cadet
that i am
i dropped my sandwich

on the floor -
i looked down
at my eviscerated sandwich
and let out a quiet whine
'aww, i dropped it," and
the looked over to martin
and quickly blurted out,
"fix it!"

and, quickly, without
a word, he swooped down
behind me and collected
the sandwich guts
from the floor,
deftly assembled them
so that they look
as though freshly assembled
at the restaurant,
and handed it
back to me.

such is the dynamic
of our relationship.
"fix it."



into one another,
like 2 spoons
stacked neatly,
on their sides,
in the cutlery drawer.
only ...
we 2 -
NOT spoons,
lay nestled -
stacked on our sides -
in the twin bed.
yes - twin bed -
the only other bed
in the room.
i have not felt
this tired
in a very long time
i have not felt
so unfocussed,
so distracted,
so excited,
in a long time.
i need sleep.


Monday, January 22, 2007

the marriage skin

Monday, January 22, 2007
regarding marriage.
ahhhh, marriage.
love it ... hate it.
its quite the institution, though.
i suppose some view it
as a legal arrangement.
others, as a meal ticket.
and others still, as a ticket
to owning another.
but i see it more as
a type of skin that insulates one from
... solitude and other entities
that i cannot name at this time.

i use the word skin on purpose.
think of what your skin does.
it holds everything together -
insulates it from the elements.
provides a barrier.
and marriage becomes this
for married people.

- this is a thought i had in an email. it seemed good enough to share -


Friday, January 19, 2007

life's LOOP - end ... beginning

Friday, January 19, 2007
its OVER
upon weeks
of separation
will come
to a grinding halt
in a matter of days!
the story -
the details of
how this all came to be -
that's not important
just ... that lonely separation
will end ...
and life together
on the west coast will begin
i am not posting very often
coz i am working lots
and school sucks up the rest of my time
also ... having to walk down the hill
in the cold rain to get online
is sort of a disincentive.
and ... i have nothing
significant to say here.
i have no time to visit
others' blogs as i used to
so ... forgive me
and ... right or wrong ...
crazy or sane ....
i have felt there is sort of
a STEPFORD WIVES mentality
in this atmosphere of bloggers
i rale against it whenever i can
i know ... i know ...
it makes me very unpopular
i can draw the correlation
between comments and emails
and angry posts that appear
this blog
oh well ... your loss, not mine!
there is one blogger-person
who emails me as life permits
irregardless of what appears
in my blog ... that is a true
FRIEND - one who knows
all about me and still
chooses to reach out
and like me.

reflect on FRIEND -
what does that word
mean to you?

is it just some person
who says nice, patronizing
things whenever you behave
in the expected manner?

or ... ?

now ... onto my boring life
i am smoking PILES
of weed ...
i am learning about
programming structure
like ... logic statements
that form programmes
ie - IFTHENELSE statements,
DOWHILE statements
blah blah blah
the chapter on arrays -
a lengthy one with lots
of scary stuff in it -
looms in the foreground
i am counting my ass
off at some big stores
everyday -
i think i shall likely
work 12 or more hours
tomorrow -
starting at about 0800
and finishing at about
2100, maybe 2200
its a Winner's store tomorrow
and then 2 jean stores
and sunday ...
its linen's 'n things
a MF of a store!
and some clothing/jean store
in the evening
and then monday
i have to keep learning
and keep on working -
london drugs in the evenings
i smoked a joint - no, 2 - with my boss
on wednesday night
on the way home from
some far out place
what a blast.
well, as you see
my life is really boring
but quite productive
my material joy surrounds the fact
that i now have water-proof shoes
and enough weed to last me
thru the weekend
i have not done laundry in
about 3 weeks - no time
so i just keep buying a few more
pairs of undies, socks
and another white shirt
(work requires a white shirt
and black pants .... yeah, lets
all try to keep a white shirt
white for longer than 5 minutes!)
i know ... its cheaper to just wash
clothes ... well, time
does not allow me.
pathetic, huh?
i like my job
i do not have to fight
anxiety attacks to get out the door
to work
i look forward to going to work
even if its ungodly early.
i received the registered letter
informing me
that my name no longer appears
on the register of nurses,
since i have let my license

nd END.
and .... also a BEGINNING.
life is like a loop.
a series of progressions
that loop back onto themselves
as long as the required conditions
hold true.

i need bifocals
and some dental work
and i need a gram or two
of cocaine
so i can pull off
a succession of all-niters
very soon - catch up on life
without sleep requirements
getting in the way.


happy bunny ROXS


Sunday, January 14, 2007

photo choppies

Sunday, January 14, 2007

the secret to a good photo choppy?
it all starts with the fotografs -
one can never make a silk purse
from a sow's ear.
the imagination and the eye?
well you just either got it ...
or you don't.
that ain't somethin'
you can learn.
these photo choppies made with GIMP


Friday, January 12, 2007

where do seagulls sleep?

Friday, January 12, 2007
i mean ... really?
i don't see them anywhere,
when i am out smoking my spliff
in cathedral park at 2 am
they do not appear in the trees,
perched on the light posts,
or on top of tall buildings.
for that matter -
i never see birds at night.
where do they go?
i do not see them in the trees,
hmmm ....

perhaps some secret portal
to the supernatural world
exists - thru which birds
have special access -
you know, they carry souls
to their (souls') next destinations?
yes ... of course they do -
why else do you think
such a superstition exists -
that seeing a bird
in one's own house
means someone in that household
or known to that household
will DIE.

can spiders land on their feet?
i don't suppose they can.
just a thought that popped into
my head at random

i have no internet connection
in my present abode
that means i hafta go to
the 24-hour wireless internet cafe
two blox down

i write these blogs
to stay sane
stephen king once said
that if he didn't write
all that twisted shit
he may well be a twisted
criminal or deviant.
the concept applies to me -
if i write the stuff here
then it does not
get in the way of living
ie - the very act of expressing
a passing self-nihilistic thought
(ie i want to dematerialize/die)
sheds the notion that i would ever
actually contemplate such actions

i slept 4 hours last nite
i told myself that
i really must sleep more than this
when, after flushing the toilet and
preparing to leave the bathroom stall,
i stopped to look for my umbrella!
ha ha ha ha ha

i dreamed about programming control structures -
patterns of logic used in program design
yes - i dreamed about IFTHENELSE,
i dreamed about SIMPLE SEQUENCE,
i dreamed alot about DOWHILE.
i really need to get a life.

its starting to happen.
its been at least 9 weeks
since i had any kind of (not self induced)
suddenly - i find myself rating
every man i see!
ha ha ha ...
like - on the skytrain -
i silently rate them all,
in my head -
oooh, yeah, he looks like a 6 -
he's clean, has some style, has manners,
doesn't look like a SQUARE and
THE KICKER - clean hands and finger nails!
no one that isn't already martin
(or a very close facsimile -
as far as i know,
only 2 of those exist
in the world -
neither of them on this continent)
gets anything higher than a 6.

i don't so much miss
the actual vulgar, messy part of sex
just ... miss having male attention
lavished upon me
and miss the conversation

i like my job
like that conditions provided
enable me to succeed,
assuming i apply myself
like that progress and excellence
get recognized and rewarded
like that the private sector
does not seem to be where
dogfuckers (sorry k9 ... just an expression)
hang out.

we had a saying,
when i worked
in the public sector -
so true

tomorrow i start 5-in-a-row
2 la senza stores -
(yuck - lingerie ...
how many bras and panties
do you think
are in those bins???) and
3 london drug stores -
yes ...
every single fucking thing
gets counted
counting cereal and toilet paper
is my favourite - big bulky things
stacked neatly - :^))
counting a discount bin
of 2 or 3 hundred of anything
is not my favourite thing,
particularly when each item
must get scanned, individually!

argh - time to smoke something
or ... snort something
hee hee)
*insert evil laughter here*


Thursday, January 11, 2007


Thursday, January 11, 2007
the comfort of solitude
i know it
i also know its
crushing restraint -
in the past 9 weeks
i have hugged or touched
another human being
yes - twice
i feel so solitary
like an amputated limb
cast aside
perhaps my heart
or soul has leprosy?
perhaps ...
that's why i am alone?
spiritual leprosy ....
loneliness lurks about
in the darkest hours
of my heart
and also in
the brightest light of day
on sundays i awake
to the sound of the cathedral bells
and ... in the clamouring
of this glory of g-d
i forget how alone
and amputated
i feel
and then the clamouring,
it stops
and then ...
i am a solitary out cast
once more.

solitude ...
its comforting.


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

the new epidemic?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007
i stood and watched
while the idiot just
walked into the street
right in traffic ...
i stood and watched
that anyone
could be soooo wrapped up
in his own thoughts
or whatever
to not even notice
he was about to walk
right in front of
a moving vehicle!
for some reason,
fate spared him.
how tragic ...
considering he appeared
of age to reproduce
and this ...
this scares me -
do we really want
someone that's so
... STUPID ...
i don't think so ...
really don't.

considering the fact
that most of the parents
out there do not seem fit
to parent ...
who cares?

idiocy - its in vogue!


Tuesday, January 09, 2007

a cry into the wilderness of humanity

Tuesday, January 09, 2007
"does anyone hear?"

i am crying out.

simultaneously raling
against you all
and despairing
you have all FORGOTTEN
that i exist

i am lonely
and alone
an amputee
and also ...
the amputated

i am crying out
do you hear me?
perhaps not
perhaps ....
you have shut
me off

i have spent some of the
worse weeks of my life
and one really finds out
who one's allies are
during such times

i have wanted to die
i have wanted to just go away and never come back
i have wanted to de-materialize
i have wished to just not be
to just fall into non-existence

i have felt such despair
i did not think i could
or would survive
i had no idea that
i possessed the capacity
to endure such darkness,
such despair

i don't want to die today.
but don't fool yourself,
that feeling ...
it lurks just around the corner

in case you care ...
the header images of my blogs
are concocted by moi -
the images i found on flickr
and/or the www
the fonts are from
and ...
the photo choppy i used
is also FREE ...
check out GIMP
that is, unless you wanna
really pay some
nameless, faceless corporation
$1000 ....

just some useless trivia
for you ...
in case anyone still
happens to read this

i am angry -
i fear
that no one does
have i become the
untouchable outcast?
well, fuck you then,
carboard cut outs ...
i wonder if you really exist
or if you are just a bunch
of phoney profiles.

Posted by the pink reefer at 10:42 PM


K9 said...

/bark bark bark

well gollee ive come to see you more than youve come to see me! grrrrrrrrrrrl dont lose heart. i remember you.

January 9, 2007 3:05 PM
Mayden's Voyage said...

FOr days and days I have tried to logon here- and get kicked out. I couldn't even open the link from the email you sent- Microsoft would close the whole program down.
I've figured it out now- and need to update the link.
You sounded so much better the last time I heard from you- encouraged and ready to move from somethings...still bound I know by others. I wish things were easier- but focusing on what you think is rejection is not the way through this...
I think that anger is a source of strength for you- it gives you energy- but not the best kind.
I can't know what it's like to be you...I haven't walked in your shoes- and the times I have come close enough to understand- it's painful.

Still- I wish the best for you.
Find a positve are dying without it. It does exist in you- find it...hold on.
The light will come- keep asking for it.
Bless you...I ask for a blessing for you- I honestly do.
Peace friend...
January 10, 2007 9:19 AM
the pink reefer said...

i often feel like a lone voice, crying out in the wilderness. mostly i possess enough energy to positively overcome this feeling. not so now ... energy stores (in every sense) have become dangerously depleted. many circumstances in life lately left me feeling powerless ... trapped.

i have never felt so deprived of everything basic to my survival as i have these past 3 weeks. having to decide whether to steal a ride from the subway so i can eat on a particular day leaves me feelings quite ... pathetic, like jean val jean, from les miz.

cognitively i tell myself it is just temporary. but, its hard to believe, all those times when i see no light. and this is not just about that. it is about the many emails i have spent time writing that basically have just gone ignored. this applies to certain individuals ... not all. sure, we all have busy lives. who, among us canot take 5 minutes to extend a courtesy of acknowledgement to another?

just a question. i find society at large basically extremely inconsiderate. i suppose this is just an extension of that feeling.

also ... this blog a trusted refuge for me. i can say anything to the blog and it will be here the next time i return. not so for others. imagine, indeed, what it must feel like to carry all that despair and rage around. well, that is why i write - the bad stuff gets vented thru the words i write.

regards to you ...
January 11, 2007 9:29 AM
LADY LUXIE said...

ahhh'...I find your bursts of emotion soooo..passionate! flowering sunflowers gone ballistic yessss...refreshing...I just think that you can say everthing from the gutholes of your soul..can be putrid...can be conflagration...but it comes out in powerful burts of sexy flames...luv reading that...

and the profiles..I've wodered about that as well...wondered if the people who I bloggy' meet are real...Me' Hubz' said I'm crazy...they aren't real people..he said that...They aren't "your friends honey"'s all in your mind...

So I've thought about I really THAT gullible as he said I was???...came a point when I was asked to pull out me' blog...

People I talk to look at me as some sort of eccentric when I start talking about me' blog..and the people in it...specially when I start clicking on sites I go to..and they see a pic of a dog (LOL!)..and somebody green or somebody sexy vampirish..he!he!..they don't understand coz' they think "they're real"..and my cyber connections are bots...programmed responses that are there but aren't there...

and I've found out some profiles that are actually there but not there...not just fictitiuos but malicious...Profiles of bloggy' creatures that hop on to your comment section wanting to connect..urging you to get online...get to know you better..."feeel" that they're real...uhuh!..did that once and boy' what a loony that bloggy' personality turned out to be...

I come here I think once a week...but lately I've been swallowed by mundane stuff and so I don't get to visit as much bloggies'...I notice that when I go bloggy' hopping, my comment section multiplies..and whe I don' simmers.. came to a point when I aaid what the heck...

just like you I blog for release...release whatever color I have inside..

shout all you want...scream all you want...just don't stop writing!!

take care!!!..and I mean that!
January 17, 2007 4:12 PM


Monday, January 08, 2007

my soliloquay to the world

Monday, January 08, 2007
if you cannot stand
my darkness
then you shall not
revel in my light
do not call me friend
if you cannot stand
my darkness
if you cannot look upon
my despair, my anger, my twisted sorrow
i am not a newspaper -
you cannot just take the comics
and leave the rest!
i am!
and if you cannot stand
my darkness
then you should
because i do not want you
light means nothing
without darkness
just remember that,
all you sorry sacks of
hypocritical shit.

you are all dead
in your pleasure-gorged lives.


thoughts from my hero


like rats in a maze

i stood in line to wait for the privilege of having to sit and wait some more. all to get THEM to provide me with proof that the social insurance number i have memorized these past 23 years ... the one under which i have been paying taxes all these years ... yeah - to prove that its mine! oh FUCK! the world is indeed, stupid, idiotic, moronic. filled with rodents impersonating humans. so ... as i sat and waited ... for proof that i, taxpayer, am indeed valid ... it occurred to me. civil servants seem so much like rats in a maze. locked away behind those, tacky, fabric-covered dividers that they've arranged in some maze-like pattern. so ... it would appear to me, that those whom our society views as respectable equals those whom have dedicated themselves to the life of a rodent in a study laboratory. well ... FUCK THAT SHIT!

i watched a man walk down richards street - that big hill between hastings street and cordova. the man looked yellow. and he had hemiparesis. he walked oh-so-slowly. i found myself worrying quietly that he would fall. i surmised that he must have liver or renal disease ... and that's why he's yellow. i wondered if i will ever stop thinking like a nurse.

it occurred to me why i cannot return to nursing. i mean, besides the fact that i am a drug addict and that's simply incompatible with nursing practice. i burnt out. like ... explosive-dying supernova-crash-and-burn ... like that kind of burn out. like ... lets-gut-the-whole-fucking building-and-rebuild-type-of-burnout. like ... severe. severe. severe. like ... being late for work because we had to stop at our coke dealer on the way to work so that we can have our 2 grams of blow to snort through out the night shift in the staff bathroom. no kidding. how far gone does one have to go ... to get to this point?

i'd say this seems pretty fucking low to me. and ... yes, the colours were pretty when i crashed so brilliantly. and i felt like a soldier who's psyche did not survive the war intact. can you say PTSD? (can you get it when you already have it? HAHA). i went and hid in my little corner of the universe. and licked my wounds. it took a lot of licking ... to get them clean, y'know? and ... somethings we lose never return. and ... when i tried to return ... i just got panic attacks. i could ignore them at first. but ... as with anything or anyone that gets continually ignored, these panic attacks just got 'louder.' they would NOT submit. they would NOT go away. and that ... was the end. i cannot go back. i have no desire to go back.

i've decided i want vancouver to implement a city-wide (ie in vancouver-proper ... not the 'burbs ... i don't care about them ... haha) ban on all motor vehicles every sunday. exceptions made for emergency response vehicles - ie fire, ambulance, police - and public transit. i am simply sick and tired of assholes who think the fucking road rules do not apply to them because they're steering a tonne of metal! FUCK YOU - who do you think you are? i consider it an absolute act of AGRESSION when you touch my clothing with your fucking front bumper because you are too impatient to WAIT at the RED light! i have already been hit but a car. it will not happen again. you got that?

do you drive a car?
then you're part of the problem,
and not the solution.
lets put all cars
in a vat of molten lava.
every last one of them.

curse henry ford
and his invention!


Sunday, January 07, 2007

nihilistic thoughts

Sunday, January 07, 2007
and violent.
everything in the world
seems this way
when one holds
a certain darkness
in one's psychic sensory filter.

like ...
what if someone went
tumbling down the stairs
and could not move ...
could not breathe?
what if someone fell
from a high, rooftop
what if the police cruisers
are there, with their lights
flashing, right in the middle
of that busy intersection ...
because someone got hit
by a car?
what if that person died?
what if i knew that person?
what if ....

would i feel
or nothing ...
if i could de-materialise?
just for ... a short period of time?
what would it feel like,
to feel nothing?
would i have consciousness
of such?

an interesting thought ...

malifice could not resist ...
she watched
the sadam hanging video -
the leaked one ...
that showed him
falling to his death


Saturday, January 06, 2007

dear g-d

Saturday, January 06, 2007
i feel you so near,
so intrinsically, intimately close to me
that i don't realize
your presence most of the time.
i feel you though -
those times, when you touch my soul.
your brilliance -
its so great that i weep.
yes, weep.
not tears of sorrow
but some sort of osmosis.
with a simple, gentle brush
of your fingertips across my soul,
your luminescence fills me so much.
my vessel ... my body ... my shell
cannot withstand this brilliant light:
the unbearable light of life.
pure ... radiant ... blinding
and so ... hence the tears.
and your light shines thru
my rips and tears
and i feel ...
a wave of infinite spiritual intensity
an intensity i can only describe as
coming in from the cold.


ode to despair

despair, my friend
he holds me so tightly
against his bosom,
it almost squeezes the light
from my soul
a faint, sickly flickering
luminescence lingers
its slowly losing steam
despair, my friend
threatens to extinguish
the sickly and lingering luminescence
despair, my friend
has proven painfully reliable
of his presence,
i feel assured
i simultaneously rale against this
and embrace the rapture
of despair's darkness
despair, my friend
suffocating, unceasingly so
particularly when he
greets me
at first light -
he's there,
my despair,
to stroke my raw, pulsing
psyche with his barbed tendrils
despair, my friend
sardonic, suffocating, suffering
what would i do
without you?


Friday, January 05, 2007

on the bus - written 05.01.2007

Friday, January 05, 2007
no nihilistic thoughts this evening.
no sadness. no despair.
nothing, really.

i worked this evening.
it was good.
i like that i'm SANS
that heavy feeling
of incompetence i had
with nursing
toward the end.
this job does NOT
require me to
play tennis under water
while juggling with explosives.
that's a good thing.

i sometimes feel lonely.
i always feel like an amputee.
mostly i just think every moment
i pass
brings me closer
to seeing martin again.

mostly i also realize
the true solitude
of existing.
and the way
friends seem like
wet rice paper
when life really gets
mostly i also realize
how truly fortunate
and blessed i am
for every little thing i have
for motherhood,
for wifehood,
for womanhood
for courage
for strength
for honesty and guts
enought to speak my mind
here, in my space.
i could tailor my message
to make my readers
(ha - like i have any of those left?)
more comfortable ...
but - why should i?
remember -
i am not a newspaper.
i just am.


despair, my friend

another hard day.
will it ever end?
will this despair,
that sits right there -
an horrid, hollow heaviness
at my sino-atrial node -
will it ever dissipate?
i feel, oft-times,
as thought despair
will never leave me.
i know, cognitively,
its not so.
but ... my heart feels
like it wants to shrivel up ...
go cold ... and hard ... and black.
my heart feels like a dying ember.
i miss .... so much.
i feel sorrow.
on a collective level.
like ...
a borg-like collective
of suffering and despair exists
and i have tapped into it.
i feel the darkness kiss me
oh so tenderly.
its comforting.

it reminds me i'm still alive.
that's good.
particularly on those days
i just want to curl up
and de-materialize.

like ... today.


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

i am malifice

Wednesday, January 03, 2007
i have dark thoughts. i imagine nihilistic scenarios in my head. i see these scenarios play out in my mind's eye. i imagine death ... violence ... gore ... bloodshed ... the screeching sounds of a soul in excruciating pain ... the frozen expression of despair in the destitute. i see it all. in my mind's eye. disaster. death or grave illness of loved ones. i hear myself shrieking deep in my psyche. mostly. this energy ... this nihilistic energy gets more powerful the deeper into despair and sorrow i descend.

i have given this nihilistic instrusion into my consciousness a name. malifice, lady of pestilence. at times, i imagine her in some instances as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. malifice rides the pale horse ... she brings suffering and death to the world. at other times i imagine her as a dark figure ... feasting on the bleeding gore she has created. her breath is an icey vapour that destroys all in its path.

malifice will watch you, writhing in pain, restless and fretting. she will press the suffering into every fibre of your being. and then she will suck your soul out. beware ... malifice. cruel and dark vamp. if you have a Y chromosome ... she pleasure in sucking your living soul from its shell ... and desiccating it.

i have given her a voice - read on.

I live in the dark. I breathe suffering. I radiate pain. pain reminds us that we live … have consciousness. pleasure only serves to dull the mind and kill the senses. pleasure kills the soul. rather than run from our pain, let us stroke it, touch it, let it embrace us. listen to that creeping velvet darkness as it kisses our hearts so tenderly. stare into the deep abyss. marvel at its expanse as it threatens to suck your soul from its shell. and remember … only the privileged suffer, my pet. and so … malifice has chosen you to suffer. tendrils of agony will fondle your psyche, and threaten to split it into millions of infinitesimally small shards of nothingness. you will submit. you cannot resist malifice.


Tuesday, January 02, 2007

dawn - fresh and pink

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

a new day is dawning.
i wish you all the light of the world
for 2007.

i felt like i would not survive
the weekend
i knew i would ...
but i felt like i would not
that darkness has passed now.