about a girl

taken by 'mon petit loup' in jasper national park ... just outside the town of jasper, on the side of the highway. kewl, huh? yes ... he risked almost getting charged by this lovely aminal just to get these great shots. the music is "Tall Cotton" by Count Basie (what other, more appropriate musik could i set to this slideshow?)

i think she's totally cute ... sorta reminds me of a llama ... and ... YUP ... you guessed it - I WANT ONE. i want my very own elk. hey - i could promote her as the environmentally friendly way to lawn care ... think it would work? i mean, ya think any of the neighbours would buy my story? lol ... ok. likely not. or maybe i could ride her to work? do you think elks like to be saddled up? haha! ok ... probably not. but ... i still want her for a pet ... i suppose i'd settle for a mini schnauzer, though ... or maybe just a few more houseplants, for now.

in other news ... i'm 10 days' clean. i often feel as johnny cash described himself ... The Beast in Me ... alas ... the frail and fragile bars have held so far. the smell of everything (particularly food) makes me wanna barf ... and i can only eat spicy ginger beef without feeling completely icky. i think this will pass. (i cannot imagine how horrid it must feel like to kick a heroine habit ... honestly.)

we planted some tomatoes and hot peppers and geraniums in our l'il garden patch ... bought some houseplants ... and - most important of all - 'mon petit loup' returned himself to me. no woman could feel happier. i am TIRED, though - gettin' a l'il too old to cognate productively on 4 hours of sleep!

wishing you all a great, productive week.

@ this moment ...

i FEEL the light ...
perhaps
- oh, just perhaps -
it means i'm emerging
from this darkness?

i'm ok.
i got thru
the hell of hades
... so i feel - today ...
[each day belongs to itself]

how'd i get there?
not sure -
my own, innate mood aberration?
sudden withdrawl?
(yes - i have quit ... my body is sick ... but my mind - its well, and sharp)
menses?

relationship stress?

OMFG
i can hardly believe its thursday
i've lost 2 days to my demons

and now ...
i'm dancing just as fast as i can
to complete a 45 hour course
in 20 hours!

*whew*

it all starts today

i am going to quit smoking weed. i've decided. i thought about it. about the fact that it costs so fricken much $. money that i could apply in so many better ways. i thought about it. like ... with the $ i would save from 4 weeks of going without weed, i could treat myself to a weekend of solitude in the mountains. when i think on this scale, it occurs to me just what i am giving up to stay high. its ridiculous. i notice i don't really wanna smoke when i blog, do blog hacs, design and/or tweak templates, and work on my digital art. so ... i guess i need to get more expressive and less stoned.

i went to the market to get some groceries with a $10 bill. i got a nice assortment of stuff. call me crazy, but there is nothin' like some black beans on top of good ole maci-cheese ... all topped of with piquante salsa sauce. and so i feasted. i am so hungry - have not eaten well these past few days. and it seems, today my body demands recompense! and so ... what can i do, but bow down? i have learned, by now - one must listen to one's own body. and one must stop ... long enough, to hear the the message.

i cannot believe how far a $10 can go, if you don't buy drugs. a simple statement ... but you must understand - a monumental one for an addict. and so ... this merely reinforces my decision to stop. or more accurately - re-priorize. its not so much about whether or not i smoke weed. its about setting accurate life priorities. and maximizing my potential.

i emerged from the underground tunnel mall that makes me feel like a prairie dog, popping out from a hole in the ground. as i began my ascent, i imagined that the furious collective sigh i heard emanated from the ocean. and i imagined myself not walking up a concrete staircase, but along the shore of a restless sea. i imagined that the splashes which emanated from the shiny metal boxes zooming north on seymour street were, in fact, the splashes of the tide slapping the shore. i imagined ....

and all the while - my heart longed.

a smoky-silver velvet blanket
still cocoons
my immediate exterior world.
i still feel like
a magenta dot
in a sea of monotone murk.