Sunday, February 25, 2007

it all starts today

Sunday, February 25, 2007
i am going to quit smoking weed. i've decided. i thought about it. about the fact that it costs so fricken much $. money that i could apply in so many better ways. i thought about it. like ... with the $ i would save from 4 weeks of going without weed, i could treat myself to a weekend of solitude in the mountains. when i think on this scale, it occurs to me just what i am giving up to stay high. its ridiculous. i notice i don't really wanna smoke when i blog, do blog hacs, design and/or tweak templates, and work on my digital art. so ... i guess i need to get more expressive and less stoned.

i went to the market to get some groceries with a $10 bill. i got a nice assortment of stuff. call me crazy, but there is nothin' like some black beans on top of good ole maci-cheese ... all topped of with piquante salsa sauce. and so i feasted. i am so hungry - have not eaten well these past few days. and it seems, today my body demands recompense! and so ... what can i do, but bow down? i have learned, by now - one must listen to one's own body. and one must stop ... long enough, to hear the the message.

i cannot believe how far a $10 can go, if you don't buy drugs. a simple statement ... but you must understand - a monumental one for an addict. and so ... this merely reinforces my decision to stop. or more accurately - re-priorize. its not so much about whether or not i smoke weed. its about setting accurate life priorities. and maximizing my potential.

i emerged from the underground tunnel mall that makes me feel like a prairie dog, popping out from a hole in the ground. as i began my ascent, i imagined that the furious collective sigh i heard emanated from the ocean. and i imagined myself not walking up a concrete staircase, but along the shore of a restless sea. i imagined that the splashes which emanated from the shiny metal boxes zooming north on seymour street were, in fact, the splashes of the tide slapping the shore. i imagined ....

and all the while - my heart longed.

a smoky-silver velvet blanket
still cocoons
my immediate exterior world.
i still feel like
a magenta dot
in a sea of monotone murk.

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3 comments:

Infinitesimal said...

Monday is my 6 month soberversary

it's like this:

DO NOT beat yourself up for getting stoned.

Abused people need escape
self medication
and insanely intelligent ones need to dumb themselves down to fit in

BUT

in the end, at some point,
it's time to let go of the past
and look at the present and see the future and say.
"My time is now."
or else all the mean and stupid people win
you see?
and your spirit is crushed
your soul too

my friend BJ had to get locked up for DWI and sobriety was forced on him, and in treatment, they made him calculate how much money he was spending annually on weed and booze

it was a couple of trips to India.

(well, maybe not in one year, but over the last 3 or 4 of using, he could have had a new car and a couple of trips too)

I always knew my final hour would come. i had quit on and off in the past, but this time, it is like... YUCK, no thanks. I have no desire, it makes me feel gross to think about it.

If you want to , you will.

Check out this suppliment:

CraniYums

they have Serotonin and Dopamine in them.
Serotonin being the thing that makes people crave weed.

There is also some link to migraines which is why i got it in the first place. so wish me luck on that one.

And I can tell you, it's been 6 months and i still feel like I am high sometimes, like that shit is still coming out of my system, so expect a free buzz for awhile sixter!

Gawd, I cannot wait to be totally clearminded, like, I just want to see what my true genius potential is, you know?
Just to see.

Lady Prism said...

oh..meee' gaawsh!..You're talkin' about food too!..hee! hee!..I dunno' what's come over me coz' all I have in mind is food!!!

And I want to let you know that even if things were a bit crazy in me' life last week I had you in mind...I wish I were anywhere near so I could drive by right now..just after I type this...I'd like to be there to cheer you on..and..um'..if I were there..right now..( thinking thinking..imagining...) we'd have to go out and eat...your pick hee! hee!..

and...in this endeavor of yours to break free..if on the way you falter....just get up and walk again...I'll cheer you on...

gosh..feels like I've known you for so long...I really wish I can just sit down and cry with you and give you a tight hug...I read about your pain..and I feel it...not the way you do I know...but..the shadow of that pain..( me shaking head..)...I can't explain it the way you do...a lot of mine is still locked inside even if I smile...my past was different..but painful ( very ) as well...pain..I know that...

but..we gotta' move on..and see what's pretty in life...so a big warm hugs to you and I'll always be here to cheer you on...

the.red.mantissa said...

"if you want to, you will." - infini ... no truer words ever were spoken

luxie - thank you, friend. eating ... ah yes. we would hafta go and eat. some fabulous asian buffet and/or some wicked curry.

you are right, of course. its near impossible to forge ahead while one is looking behind onself. life is full of possibilities and beauty unimaginable. if only we open our eyes and hearts to them all.