opening ...

an opening in the chasm of my spirituality. wow. stunning. truly. and liberating. to transcend the old, ineffective manipulations of catholicism. and seek truth. light. purity. not spin. not a heavily filtered vision of light. not a processed and confabulated purity. and so i stepped outside the christianity box. and it felt incredibly liberating. and inspiring. just touching the very edge of judaic thought, philosophy, doctrine -- it ejaculated such momentum into me. filled me with such inner satiety and peace.

i cannot speak to specific issues or philosophical renditions just now. my core just does not possess enough energy to respectfully discuss this right now. just suffice it to say that i have soaked in some refutation of the messianic nature of jesus. the conflicts surrounding jesus, and his failure to fulfil the prophecies, loom. i have soaked in the culture of the populace at the time jesus lived. and ... with regards to the viewing the gospels as a reflection of reality and truth, i remember reading something that alex hailey wrote: 'history is written by the winners.' and so my question of catholicism as a false god continues to circulate in me.

the chasm of my spiritual self runs deep. and wide. my thirst for knowledge, for understanding to fill this chasm, drive me to continue. to read. to devour the writings of the sages. writings which demystify g-d. the kabbalah. spirituality. life. meaning. purpose. self.

opening.

spiritual awakening

i'm having one. its breathtaking. to wade through the wisdom of ages. to come face to face with the thoughts, ideas, stories of the most brilliant and respected sages of ancient history, of present-day. to live in this era - this era in which information avails itself so widely among the populace - its such a privilege. the ideas of so many swirl all around me. i only need reach out and grab. and scrutinize. and attend, distantly.

and ... i'm doing just that. the word 'israel' apparently means struggle with g-d. i really believe i feel the essence of what that means - what that struggle feels like and whence it resonates. i tumbled into the world and landed in a microcosm veiled by an ultra-catholic filter. the cult of catholicism. an institution which strives to keep its believing masses uninformed - like faithful zombies with no capacity for scrutinizing - one cannot scrutinize what one does not fully know.

all the questions i had. ignored, all of them. one mustn't ask such questions - its a sign of your weakness of faith. we must just believe, even if it doesn't make sense. that was the standard party line. and ... well, now it just does not suffice. its a cop out. so i'm on a quest. to quench this thirst i have for knowledge of g-d. i've poked thru the summa theologica by aquinas. the logical inconsistency of the trinty, the notion that illogical propositions are 'mysterious' and therefore, worthy of faith -- these i found untenable.

i have discovered maimonides and his guide for the perplexed - a stunning, stunning and brilliant work. light years ahead of his time - in terms of his description of the universe, the notion of planets, circular motion, atoms, and description of laws of nature that remind one of the so-called newton's laws of motion. and in all this, yes, a brilliant discussion of the nature and essence of g-d.

i read a lucid, well written refutation of the classic christian proof-texts re: messiahship of jesus in why the jews rejected jesus, written by david klinghoffer. wow. inspiring to see such a lucid explanation ... such clear answers to questions i have had for so long. the questions that i always got told pointed to my weakness of faith. inspiring. incredibly inspiring.

and then i began to read about kabbalah on the bus ride back home. (yes, finally after three hours i managed to drag myself away from the library). i only read a few pages. but, even just opening my mind and heart to the words and sentiments contained within the pages i held, even this filled me with a strange ecstatic sort of rapture. not a physical feeling. an essential sensation - a psychic sensation.

and so ... that's it. the awakening. or, more accurately, its beginning.

image originally uploaded by panic-embryo

ein sof and g-d

i have begun reading simone weil. and then somehow, trapsed into jewish philosophy. jewish agnosticsm. kabbalistic thinking. i have discoverd the concept of g-d. of ein sof - that which has no end. no-thing-ness. ein sof contains no things. no parts. its a purest form of completion. its infinite. reality, the universe, then become the fingerprint of g-d, of ein sof. and g-d’s light - his wisdom - lies in the articulations of this fingerprint that generate the momentun which powers the universe, reality.

the crux of this vision lies in a necessary distinction between existence and being. the notion of existence as participated being. and the notion of being as a state which only g-d can achieve, through his very essence.

Everything else simply assumes reality and value through God alone. ‘God is mediation: God is mediation between God and God, between God and man, between God and things, between things and things, and even between each soul and itself.’

simone weil … and her mystical, agnostic vision sparked something in me. (incidentally and unbeknownst to me until recently, the kabbalistic vision looks much like simone weil’s in this respect).

And he shows his love through absence. Because, even though He can have no part with the finitude in which we live, except through Incarnation, He created all this finitude of ours through a withdrawal from Himself which allowed for our existence. At this precise point, we have what I would call, a metaphorical depiction of the mystery of Creation. Thus God has to be absent so that we may be. He proves his love through his absence.

interesting? i think so. i feel so.

and … as i delve further

into the mind of simone weil,

i have this question.

has the catholic church become the false god or idol against which it preaches?