a dream ~ white blindness

i could see her. what she looked like. her blonde hair. feathered, and spilling over her face. covering the left side of her face, in fact. including her eye. which, somehow, i knew somehow no longer sat in its socket. something terrible, horrible had happened to her, causing her to loose her eye. and somehow, her other eye did not see. i knew this, without knowledge of how i came to this knowledge.

it felt strange ... oddly strange ... looking at this creature, who seemed as real as if in real space and time. i have never seen her before. she did not look familiar.(i often dream about people i don't know) and then ... suddenly i found myself in her. inside her. inside her eyes. and ... trapped. behind the eyes that could no longer see. and ... of course, being roxanne, i panicked. and fought the blindness. i reminded myself this blindness did not belong to my eyes. this blindness ~ a mere illusion. still, i could not see. and i felt the oppression of powerlessness. it surged through my psyche. and i tried ... with all my might to open my eyes. and then ... i awoke. in a complete and cold sweat. night shirt absolutely soaked, sticking to me.

i'm guessing that this dream somehow has a connection to a news feature i saw on blind golfers last night. one man told the story of how he lost sight in his left eye, when a puck hit it and then went to work a few days later with the damaged eye patched and then lost his right eye in a work-related accident (d/t the loss of depth perception, no doubt). stories like this weird me out because i empathize. like, that's an understatement. i feel people. yes, feel them. its trippy. i suppose its partly why i don't like them touching me. that's trippiness beyond my tolerance capacity ~ touching makes the connection more intense. my soul felt a chill when i heard this man describe in detail the events that led to the loss of his right eye. like, i could almost feel it happening. i fear loss of sight and control of limbs over all else. even over loss of life. caring for and even thinking about those afflicted by these events humbles me ... in that devastating way ... that way that reminds us what nothings we are, in the universe. how traumatic to feel this, really feel it.

and so, hence the dream. i mean, that's how my eccentric psyche processed the event.

a vision

a dream.
a vision, really.
presented to me in a dream.

i have had this vision before.
several times.
since early childhood.
each time ... the same vision.
each time, presented contextually differently.
the vision?

everything.

Bathing in Pink Light...
Originally uploaded by papillon666.

a glimpse of everything, everything imagineable .... connected appropriately, making perfect sense. throughout my childhood i had this vision ... it re-occured throughout the various stages of my development ... each time manifesting itself within a contextual backdrop i could assimilate ... comprehend. but each time ... with each vision ... i knew exactly what this glimpse represented. and it filled my soul ... it filled every atomic fibre of my being ... with intense joy.

oh! how i wish i had some sort of cognation camera that could help my very eccentric brain network capture this amazing and rare vision of ... everything! but, alas ... one cannot transport such vital and delicate intelligence of the spirit to the corporeal world. and so ... i have this intuitive, subconscious memory of the vision.

some concrete, contextual highlights from my most recent 'everything' vision ~~

• it started off with software and computers - a context of familiarity and comfort, for me.
  
• my programming instructor appeared in this vision; not in the role of elucidation or pedagogy, but as an accompanying presence.
  
• some entity, of superior light and energy eludicated for us interconnections between all the components of programming and web development that i currently have involved myself in learning and continue to learn.
  
• the connections ... the conceptual connections looked so neat and tidy ... like in a programmer's relationship diagram - you know the kind you make in SQL Server 2000 database management software? well, if you're not a hard core geek like me, then see the image below.
  

• ok ... the vision ...
  
• then ... the relationship diagram expanded ... in scope, in size ... more variables, more objects of life added, to eventually include ... everything. everything. all interconnected. all of life, existence, the universe ... it all made sense. [how does one describe such a vision? simply, dear reader, its impossible. forgive my paltry effort here.]
  
• i recall thinking thoughts and feeling reactory feelings that i can only translate into vibrant colours, vivid images burnt into my memory. imagine the pleasure you derived from seeing an exquisite visual image - some art, a photograph, or a naked-eye view of a natural landscape. [imagine how your best efforts would defy communicating the vision's true beauty and depth. and there you have my dilemma, dear reader.]
  
• for those familiar with data typing ... translating what the vision gave me into the corporeal and finite plane of conceptualization -- its like taking a large data type and reducing to one which holds less data. or ... simply put ... imagine trying to stuff your 35-inch TV into a ring box. that's what it feels like.
  

and so have you my vision of 'everything.'
thoughts anyone?
or perhaps someone out there has had similar visions?
please ... do speak up!

i had a dream

i dreamt that my 'real' programming instructor came back from india, where he has been these past 6 weeks, burying his father. i dreamt that the substitute would not be here today. honest to betsy! that's my story. and ... so i mosey into school today, and who do i see, sitting in his desk? my 'real' programming instructor. in the flesh. i had no idea when he would return. or that yesterday was going to be the last time i ever see that other dude. no clue.

*can we please play the spooky twilight zone muzik?*

i seriously think i am mildly psychic or somethin. maybe most of youse think that's bull crap. i'm not so sure. i think the paranormal exists. in some form. this sort of stuff happens to me a lot. too much for coincidence to take full responsibility.

i have some things rattling around in my head ... heart.