Saturday, August 11, 2007

a dream ~ white blindness

Saturday, August 11, 2007
i could see her. what she looked like. her blonde hair. feathered, and spilling over her face. covering the left side of her face, in fact. including her eye. which, somehow, i knew somehow no longer sat in its socket. something terrible, horrible had happened to her, causing her to loose her eye. and somehow, her other eye did not see. i knew this, without knowledge of how i came to this knowledge.

it felt strange ... oddly strange ... looking at this creature, who seemed as real as if in real space and time. i have never seen her before. she did not look familiar.(i often dream about people i don't know) and then ... suddenly i found myself in her. inside her. inside her eyes. and ... trapped. behind the eyes that could no longer see. and ... of course, being roxanne, i panicked. and fought the blindness. i reminded myself this blindness did not belong to my eyes. this blindness ~ a mere illusion. still, i could not see. and i felt the oppression of powerlessness. it surged through my psyche. and i tried ... with all my might to open my eyes. and then ... i awoke. in a complete and cold sweat. night shirt absolutely soaked, sticking to me.

i'm guessing that this dream somehow has a connection to a news feature i saw on blind golfers last night. one man told the story of how he lost sight in his left eye, when a puck hit it and then went to work a few days later with the damaged eye patched and then lost his right eye in a work-related accident (d/t the loss of depth perception, no doubt). stories like this weird me out because i empathize. like, that's an understatement. i feel people. yes, feel them. its trippy. i suppose its partly why i don't like them touching me. that's trippiness beyond my tolerance capacity ~ touching makes the connection more intense. my soul felt a chill when i heard this man describe in detail the events that led to the loss of his right eye. like, i could almost feel it happening. i fear loss of sight and control of limbs over all else. even over loss of life. caring for and even thinking about those afflicted by these events humbles me ... in that devastating way ... that way that reminds us what nothings we are, in the universe. how traumatic to feel this, really feel it.

and so, hence the dream. i mean, that's how my eccentric psyche processed the event.

5 comments:

Paul said...

That's a common thing, to have stuff that happened the day before used by one's dreams - I remember they even had the expression "day residue" for it when I took an undergrad course on dreams.

Sounds like it was a profound one...

X. Dell said...

If it helps you any, I looked up this dream in my dream dictionary (I use Tony Crisp's). Eyes sometimes symbolize how one sees the world. The fear that one may not see might sometimes only be matched by the fear that others may not see us, or anything else that we can.

piktor said...

Mantissa, when I get into hot water in my dreams, which is rarely, I have a peculiar escape hatch. As the dream turns into a nightmare my mind tells me what is hapenning is only a dream, so I wake up.

Behind Blue Eyes said...

Mantissa-I am commenting on your comment on Enemies blog, about the guy you met from New Orleans. I got into a huge screaming match with someone I used to work with about the same thing. I was surprised at how angry I became. He said that he felt sorry for the zoo animals and that was it.

It is so unbelievably ignorant to have that attitude, not only that, but do people who think like this have souls? Are their souls just little dried up shrunken unhealthy things? I could picture him dressed in a Nazi uniform, or being in rwanda calling the Tsutsis cockroaches on the radio. And I think that the thing that pissed me off the most is that he didn't have enough guts to say that he was talking about black people. We worked with a lot of black people, he would never say anything like that in front of them, he buddied up. Unbelievable!

Even if you do meet an adult who you find repugnant in some way it is just so stupid to try and say that anyone who has the same skin color is going to be the same way and for God's sake, there were children there too.

the.red.mantissa said...

paul ~ yes, profound. i like the day residue thing ... absolutely makes sense!

x-dell ~ wise. sounds quite wise. i like to analyze dreams.

bbe ~ *sigh* i know. i said nothing (truth-be-told, i was high by that point) because ... what could one say? indeed, your reaction seems like a valid one ... but, still, i think having any sort of outrageous reaction to these folks seems like a waste of breath and energy. it seems like trying to sell gun control to charlton heston. (dead horses, anyone?)

possibly that sounds like a cop out and i feel what you mean. somehow, only feel pity for folks like that. i remember thinking in my head at the time, 'who am i to judge?' does belittling someone like that reduce me to their level in some weird way?

i dunno. but ... thankfully, i don't encounter many people like that. and ... my wish is that i can have the cool-headedness and wherewithall to ask why a person says, thinks and believes such things.

i agree with you ... but ... i am wondering out loud if an angry response in these situations is necessarily the optimal one, y'know?

someone .. somewhere ... must rise above it all ... most days its not me, i fear ... but try.