compassionate ephiphany

i felt the despair in that man's eyes. on the tv screen. i could see the resignation and sadness pressed into the weary creases of his face. failure of the surgical team to retrieve a clamp from his abdominal cavity wreaked devastating consequences on this man's health. the show, on TLC, documented cases such as this which occured worldwide. i felt the fear and loss thru the tv's photon screen. i did. and a feeling chilled my heart. i turned to M. and said quietly, 'i don't want to have that kind of power over people. i simply can't.' and that sentence embodies the reason why i cannot allow myself to return to the practice of nursing. and the battle i waged throughout my own practise of nursing. from day 1.

on my very first day as a graduate nurse - the day after i wrote my gruelling 6 hour nursing exam - i peed myself as i stepped off of the elevator and onto the 4th floor of the small urban hospital. my first day responsible for my own practise. sure, i would be paired up with a veteran nurse for several weeks. still, to have live-or-die control over another human. in such a hostile, technical environment. that a human could die at my hands ... by my own action ... as a result of a careless error, or worse yet - as a result of circumstances over which i have no influence at all!

how similar nursing and soldiering seem me now.