Wednesday, November 22, 2006

a guppy in a bowl of dopamine?

Wednesday, November 22, 2006
"i'll have one of what she's having, please!!!"

i looks pretty laid back in this pic, don't i? well, lol ... i sure feel anything but that today! i feel sort of uptight ... sort of disappointed that i am not really anything more than a fucking RENT PAYMENT to my so-called brother. yes, my brother is charging me rent! and he fucking monopolizes the TV (my viewing preferences are never sought), the phone, the temperature (he likes it at 25 degrees C - way too hot for me, a polar bear), and even tells me that i can't have my fucking windown open. he never washes his hands, tho always insists i do so ... apparently i am the only one with germs? no ... apparently he is the only one that's a FUCKING ASSHOLE! a bloody fucking selfish and egocentric prick that thinks only of himself! ARE ALL FIRST BORNS THAT WAY??

i really don't give a shit if he's dying. he's crying with his belly fully - 2 TVs, complete with satellite hook-ups, an $870/month 2 BR apt for himself (on his welfare income, no less) and a car ... and he's a 2 pack/day smoker ... and he's crying to me that he needs the fucking money for his car insurance? yeah ... when i'm already living on one meal per day, no internet connection (he has one, never uses it and forbids me to also ... nice, huh?) and virtually no spending money of any kind. HE'S A FUCKING SHIT HEAD. and life pretty much sucks today. but ... yeah yeah ... don't sweat the small stuff, right? i know i'm still luckier that most. too bad for the asshole, he doesn't recognize that, too.

selfish, egocentric people make me want to scream. he has succeeded in reducing me to tears once today over this fucking rent bullying. i know i know he will bully our mother for the money next. PRICK! well, fuck all humans today. if this is how disappointed i feel about humanity ... just imagine how disappointed g-d must feel.

it boggles my mind.

well, i will just think of guppies
swimming in dopamine.
and that will hafta make me laugh.

here's something else ... herbie (remember him?) on acid

cool, huh?


Mayden' s Voyage said...

Why...dear friend...are his words stronger than yours?
His feelings, wants, needs- more important than your own?

I am so sorry this is happening-

You are WISE, and STRONG, and WORTHY of respect.

He can only have what you give him...
Physically, mentally, and spiritually, and finacially.

I'm thinking of you- though it seems a pitiful thing to say, and of no real use to you...I send my best- in thoughts and hopes and prayers.

You deserve honor- and kindness- and respect...and mine is not enough. Brother needs to honor you too.
All my best friend...all my best to you~

mantissa said...

dear mayden - its not pitiful at all! good energy sent my way - i need all i can get. and you know? it seems like things are darkest just b4 dawn. i had a interview this am and i got the job. strangely, its a company i worked for 20 years ago, and the people i remembered are known by those who interviewed me. so - that's one stress devoured.

now i think i have solved the living arrangement thing. simply - i will just move out. as it turns out it may be better - it looks like i can get a room downtown, close to the college. yes, college. man, my life is like the metabolism of a dog on speed.

as far as my brother. well ... i just gotta get past it and get out of his place. he's an emotional abuser. that's really why he's still alone after all these years. he's never able to keep relationships. he alienates people. why is it that those of us who have experienced emotional abuse still sometimes want to defend the abuser? you know, like, make excuses?

part of me does and part of me just says - move on. i guess guilt is part of the whole process.

well i will survive. i think that's the sunshine i see, peaking thru these dark clouds way doen there, at the end of the tunnel.

happy thanksgiving to you ...

cluck cluck!

Mayden' s Voyage said...

I'm so proud of you- your reply reveals your strength...and that is what I wanted to see. In my gut I could feel a weakening- letting him trample what can not be trampled again- I could hardly bear it.

Justice is a woman with sword!!!
And yours is mighty!!!
You are worth good things :) You deserve to be treated well- and to remove yourself from people who treat you matter who they are.

I know it's hard with your brother- so many issues, so much heartache- so much loss. I can see how you might be grieving over several things about him, and at the same time having to deal with who he is- and his shortcomings- his faults- and his dying. None of this is easy.

Loving him does not mean you have to tolerate his ugliness. Your Love for him should not diminish you-

Friend- I want to cheer you on- and I want every good thing for you.

At once I feel how fragile you are in places, and also KNOW how much strength you have.
My heart goes out to you-

I hope the sun shines brightly on you today- I pray for peace...and for gentleness in your life.

Hugs! :)

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Oh- and I have 18 unexpected guests who will be at my house in 3 hours (an illness in my sisters house has sent the Friday Thanksgivng with my family to MY house)

So...if you have any dopamine left over- can you send it??? In a hurry!!!
I promise to post pics!

Lady Prism said...

whatever that is so sweetly in your mouth..pass it over here please...thank you..appreciate it!

mantissa said...

ahahahahaha ... luxie you make me laff.

i'd gladly pass it over to you ... my husband said that i look like a guppy swimming in a bowl of dopamine. haha.