Thursday, March 30, 2006

room 1025

Thursday, March 30, 2006
november. ottawa. oh ... so many years ago. i remember the room number - 1025. i will never forget. you did not want me to meet you, there, so many years ago. but i didn't listen. i insisted - followed you there. and you acquiesced. how could you refuse me? you never could refuse me. i knew your weakness --me. when i arrived, at the door of 1025, you answered, wearing all black. you had the monday night football on the tele. and that smile painted on your face. desire - it oozed from your pores.

i felt ... wow ... exhilarated. was this really happening? i had waited so long to spend the night with you ... and at times never believed it would happen. and then - there it was. it felt good. like a dream. and we enjoyed each other. forgot about the reality - the unchanged reality that waited for us at home. and we ate together, walked together, talked together, slept together. i got so hot under the covers i had to go out on the balcony -- melting snow you called it. that was our joke after that. i believed i loved you -- i always wonder if you ever loved me.

i still carry in my heart your leaving. it was friday morning. you had to go to hull, you said. it was early. you got ready in silence -- gathered your things. i felt invisible, like i wasn't there. you had already started to shut me out. i laid there, under the covers. despair, like an occlusive heaviness, sat in my throat. i could not move, or barely speak. did you know? could u feel how i felt? and then you left the room. just left - took a cursory glance around the room, smiled a phoney smile and left.

do you know how cheap and used i felt? i cannot even tell you. but i was so young, so tender. and so vulnerable. and you left me. it hurt. and ... about 15 years later ... i can still recall the stinging in my heart as though it were fresh. each time i think of you. i feel that dark feeling in my heart when i think of you ... leaving me. leaving room 1025. 1025. the leaving room.

EDIT: okay. so you got me. i'm holding back a little ... or maybe a lot. this affair happened 20 years ago and i still am bankrupt when it comes to expressing myself about it ... wow, imagine, Malva, at a loss for words.

9 comments:

doc-t said...

there's so much to this story you havent said...

i'd be interested in reading that....

think you might feel like sharing?

mad malva blue said...

you could tell i was holding back?

yes -- there's more to the story. that's another monster under the bed ... it will come ...

Cala Lily said...

Some stories are too big to be told at once. Sometimes you can only tell peices of the stories.

It's okay. Take your time.

And know that we're hear. Listening. Holding your hand.

mad malva blue said...

thanx lily ... this is a big story ... u guessed that one. so big, its hard to exactly face it, you know?

Spring said...

What is it about the morning after that crushes the soul so?

mad malva blue said...

good question, spring ... very good question.

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