well, whatever IT is ... fuck! it is making me soooo restless, indecisive, fickle. i cannot stand to live in my own skin some times. these times a restless, bone-chilling ache seizes my soul and does not let go. a residual feeling of unsatisfaction looms, hovers in the distant horizon. like a giant, dark cloud - the culmination of every loss, every disappointment, every heart break i have felt. and then there is self doubt - a nagging, high-pitched squeal that resides inside my consciousness.
where does self-doubt end and self-evaluation begin? when does 'taking stock' become wondering if i made the right choices? and why bother wondering at all? the choices have been made many years ago. is marriage a life-long commitment necessitating mutual-exclusivity and fidelity, where 2 become 1? isn't this a prison sentence,then?
is marriage a symbiotic relationship - eventually so habitual that it weaves itself into the fabric of each partner's personality? this implies that each person remains an individual and does not get assimilated by the 'marriage entity collective,' but nonetheless remain somehow intertwinned in existence. why do we think true love is ownership, possession and jealousy? is marriage really ownership and assimilation? that certainly is NOT what i signed up for ...
does true love mean sacrificing oneself to fidelity? isn't it naive to think that one can truly be sexually satisfied for a lifetime with one sexual partner? shouldn't we continually strive to push the envelope, stir the passions, seek physical satisfaction if the status quo does not meet our needs?
don't we continually strive to push the envelope and challenge ourselves in every other arena of life? then, why does the physical suffer? why do we have to settle for the status quo? and ... what if i don't want to? what if i want a meal supplment? like ... an hors d'oeuvre? if i have an hors d'oeuvre, does it mean i am rejecting the main course?
author's note: okay. so i couldn't stay away. i like this place far too much. and i missed you guys. i have tried to leave this place a few times. but you always bring me back here, my dear blogging friends.
so ... look for me here from now on.
Monday, March 06, 2006
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This means challenging my self to compassionate, encouraging, genuine and hostile-free exchanges. It also means contemplating my reaction to the thoughts, feelings and expressions of others, prior to acting upon them. 
14 comments:
Ah Mad Malva Blue.
An honest blogger.
When I walked out from my bench in the forest again recently, I didn't really know what it was that I sought. I have walked from it before, for I know all I need is not there.
You too know not what you seek, but know too that it is not all in the place that you are.
Be brave. There are many to meet in the forest.
ahhhhh...yeeeiiis.....exactly...exactly...exactly...my own thoughts as well!
bullseye!..you asked those questionzzz...for meeh!
i was afraid to ask these questions ... but i think they must be asked.
i'm not really sure that everything i seek should be on that bench in the forest -- but i am not prepared to give up this bench -- just wanting to try out a different one for a change ...
thanx for getting it ...
/bark bark bark
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, who'd you used to be? no hell no you don't need to sacrifice your identity for a relationship. in fact, the more you stand firm on what you is then the more you have to offer the other. flux is the only constant. impermanance is king. a mid-life crisis is a rocking opportunity to misbehave dontcha know! (sorta kidding)
thanks for stopping by the yard (regards from freya)
/grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
hey k9 nice to see you back
i used to be graffitti artist, then the nymph and now ... i'm just mad
i agree with you - i think straying from the yard just a little could expand my horizons, as long as i remember where home is ...
just a thought ...
It is possible to sexually survive with one partner. We come to realize this once we have indeed explored and the limits of the horizons. You know the time is right when is the only thing you haven't done. Becoming one with that one, the one that surprises you any day after many years have gone by and will make you feel alive when doin' it. In the mean time, have safe expedition.
yours is an optomistic view ... surprise is not the word i'd use though ... the taste of water is divine in its own way but it is never really a surprise ... that is kind of how i feel
wonder if thinking about someone else...in a certain way...is infidelity...
good question ... i don't think so ... or many, many are guilty if this is so ... ;^)
Many years ago, I read a book by a philosopher called Erich Fromm. I think it was called "The art of love". He wrote that a symbiotic love (2 people merge and cannot really be counted as individuals anymore) is not a healthy thing.
Took me the better part of three decades to really understand. Love - in my eyes - has many faces. It neccessarily includes a certain linf of freedom.
POSSESSING somebody is NOT love.
Living a contract that dictates your life like this: "if you do this I will not love you anymore but if you do that I will" is not love.
Most relationships are subject to contract of the above sort and the weird thing is: it has never been discussed. Which means:
What you do with your sexuality is - in our culture - normally judged along these lines. But - spoken from an observing point (meaning: I'm not all free of jealousy but let's go intellectual, anyway) - sex is not always love. It can be and it is beautiful if it is. But whether you choose to be with one person or with many - whose right is that to decide?
Yours.
BUT: If you are in a relationship and it is based on an exclusivity contract - like most - you have to face the music if you brake away. You have to live with it if it destroys your relationship. You have to live with it if you decide to never talk about it. In short: if it makes you feel guilty then the joy is somehow spoiled, no?
Mind you, I am not judging anyone, here. I'm trying to make a point for thinking, THEN acting as you deem okay.
Because it was a VERY smart woman that told me some years ago:
"What is it with you? First you want to be with another woman. Then, later on, you want to come here and expect me to say: "Poor boy, it's alright, I forgive you?" IF you do these things, then do them. But then be an adult and live with the consequences - and do not come to me to be absolved."
She was right.
And I would like to add: If anyone - boy or girl - goes in search of greener grass: Is it alright if your partner does the same? Does he TRULY enjoy equal rights?
I for myself have not quite figured out where I stand on this one.
But if you can say YES to the carrying of the sole responsibility for ALL possible consequences (no right to go home saying "I am so sorry"!) AND equal rights for all involved (can they have a go whenever and with whomever they like?) AND THEN the scale really tips towards "let us have some hot fun":
Well then, why not? I mean it. Consenting adults and all that.
dear ben,
thank you for such a thoughtful and well composed response. this is exactly what i was getting at. and i think you're right -- couples typically do not discuss the 'terms of contract' and exclusivity.
i think that it is possible to have a stable marriage without mutual exclusivity. so long as all individuals are prepared to take responsibility, as you mentioned. and yes, this also means 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander.' and, in this case, there really is nothing to have to forgive, since no offence committed.
this may seem far-fetched, but i really beliee this is possible with the right type of individuals and relationship. and i even will be so bold as to say that i think there are cases when dropping mutual exclusivity could strengthen the connection between partners:
if my needs are being met chances are i will be more satisfied with my life circumstance, won't i? this is jsut common sense, i think ...
"sex is not always love".....
true..true...
hmmmmmm....
"it is possible to have a stable marriage without mutual exclusivity......there is really nothing to forgive..since no offense commited...."
THINKING...here....hmmm..
( shhhhhhhh....doesn't sound far fetched to me...at all..)
"some cases when dropping mutual exclusivity could strengthen the connection.....this is just common sense..."
"consenting adults..and all that...why not?"
THINKING.....THINKING....THIIIINKIIIING...!
a different way of seeing things, isn't it?
most definitely...
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