Saturday, March 11, 2006

seven years

Saturday, March 11, 2006
that's how long has passed since we shut the machines off .... since ... your body died. when i think of you, i find it hard to believe that so much time has passed. and ... find it hard to understand why you just had to give in ... give up. My dear, i have known the sweet, searing sorrow of anguish, loneliness, of loss and shame. But ... it never made me want to destroy myself. Despite the shards of grief that pierce me as i walk along the path of life, this earthly life has so much to offer - if i only reach out and touch it, taste it, savour it.

And, my dear, i feel very sad that you gave up too soon, missed out. And i feel such sadness when i think of your mother -- without her only daughter in the dusk of her life. Alone ... she's alone ... and she must grieve for you terribly. I know ... i know this feeling, my dear. And ... know that you witnessed this grief ... my grief ... our grief - i will call it our grief, because you loved my boys like a mother.

And, dear ... that brings me the prize ... the prize of my life. My boy ... our boy ... you should see him, dear. He has grown into a man! I can hardly believe my eyes, when i look up at him (yes, look up at him -- he is taller that us, my dear) and into his gentle, brown eyes. So much life and experience in these eyes ... like ... they belong to an old, old soul. And he is a hit with the girls, my dear. Just like his dad was at that age. You should see our boy. It makes my heart shine, glimmer, sing. Perhaps yours too? Out there, somewhere?

And i feel a pinch of sadness that you could not stay, and see this. See how it all unfolded. But perhaps things may have turned out differently if you had not given up on yourself like you did. I dunno. I just know that we have moved on, my dear. Your name never gets spoken on our lips. When it does, i think we flinch - for the sound of your name resonates despair ... your despair. But ... your name sits in my heart, silent ... ever remembered. For the love you shared ... for the difference you made during your short earthly existence.

a note from malva: as i wrote this, a tribute to someone i knew (her name is not important) who drank herself to death at the age of 40, "free as a bird" (by lynyrd skinner) played on the radio -- i hope that where ever you are, my dear, you fly freely - like the song says

4 comments:

Infinitesimal said...

Oh MY.

Malva,

I came over to visit and found this.
I am sorry, for your loss, and moreso for the disappointment.

You are a freakishly amazing woman my dear.
You impress and do not disappoint.
I am your fan you know, I just never knew how to find you, and when I did, there was just too much to comment on, you know?

Are you part fairy? Is that why your eyes are violet?

See ya!

mad malva blue said...

dear infinitesimal -- thanx for coming to visit. yes, i have been a restless faerie of late, but i have decided i'm staying here - like it here alot.

thanx for your kind words, they mean alot, hun.

malva is some kind of rebellious, supernatural, faerie creature i think and that's why she has violet eyes ...

and malva can be quite unpredictable, so you never know what's coming around the corner!

Infinitesimal said...

That is Fae alright.

mad malva blue said...

yes -- i am fae lol =^) ... at least now i have an excuse!