Thursday, October 18, 2007

phoenix dreams ~ celebrating today

Thursday, October 18, 2007
[psst ~ i haven't returned comments to previous posts yet.
i will sometime today ~ thursday.]

today. 10 years ago. today. it happened. its funny, when one resolves to stop trying to forget, it seems less difficult ~ less painful ~ to remember. what's done is done. past. time to move on. no pity. just joy. for what was. and for what is ... now.

when my husband decided to take off for a second time, about a week ago, i reached out to a friend with whom i had no contact for 2 years. a nursing friend. a kindred spirit. to give you some idea: she's a cross between enemy of the republic, mayden, and she/k9 ... yeah all those three rolled into one. she's suffered so, at times in her life. that suffering actually forced me to call her ... when i thought mr. mantissa was not coming home. she knows that feeling. that awful feeling that He will not come home anymore. only, in her case, her man died, and they never, ever found the killer.

can people move on from this sort of devastation? ahhh, yes, but with a great deal of difficult work. talk about your upstream swims! the girl's got nuthin' on those salmon. even when i felt nothing but deep anger for her, i admired her resolve to survive. and she can keep up with me ~ she's a tough, smart cookie. a little krazy, but who isn't? besides, if you ever find yourself in the ER, she's the girl you want lookin' after you.

so ... what's to celebrate?

expand the post to see a lovely little critter.

instead of thinking of my own son,

i will spend today thinking of this child ~

a sparkling joy to celebrate.

ya did good, girl. now ... the fun begins.


Anonymous said...

amen. celebrate today for tomorrow who knows? well im hoping for tomorrow...see ya on the flip side red...your bronze buddy with some extra metal installed grrrherhahaha!

eric1313 said...

The flames of suffering temper strong souls, as long as the learn from the pain, and not become an embittered slave to revenge.

A beautiful girl. Reminds me of my niece.

I feel bad that her father will always just be an idea to her. But you can't feel that bad. After all, this little one may surpass us all. Who could say different?

Mayden' s Voyage said...

T left last weekend for some time off for himself- it's been a mixed week...but I know he is coming home, and hopefully a better soul for having had some much needed rest. However, it was not a stretch to imagine him really gone, and how that would impact my life- (lol- my blog has suffered- but that is nothing)
I go back and forth wondering how in the world I would fill the 20 year hole in my life he would leave, and wondering how very different I could make the next 20 years if he was gone.
It's a weird place to be.
I hope you are well- and managing as best you can. No pity...but definitely concern- ok?

X. Dell said...

(1) A mix of K9, She and Enemy? She sounds like either or nurse or a prize fighter, given that description.

)2) I really couldn't imagine what it would be like to be in either her shoes or yours. The only thing I know is that some people make it through such patches. I'd suspect, however, that they didn't make it alone. A good support system helps. It's a good thing she is there.

Anonymous said...

...krazy with a "k" is always good...

been thinking of you. i've been sensing that you've been drawing inwards ..
foam said...

anon/she ~ have thought of you lots. celebrate every moment of which we are aware. awareness ... that's a gift, ain't it? love ya!

eric ~ he's a lovely child, isn't he? (i know, at that age, its impossible to tell gender just from a face glance). his mother ... she's a beautiful specimen of humanity. absolutely. i mean ... physically specifically here ... but in all other ways to, of course. i have not seen his dad, tho. and the man who died ... that happened many years ago ... 14 i think. so ... the critter will grow up with knowledge of his dad, thankfully.

mayden ~ i have thought the same thoughts, too. the gaping whole vs thoughts that it could be and would be instantly filled (most of it ... y'know?). anyway ... i've put my foot down and said enuf is enuf of the BS. and then, of the past, say, 10 days, i have maybe slept in the bed about 3 nights. not necessarily intentional, just ... happened that way. but ... oh yes ... things will change around here, for sure.

the hardest part of october is over. its sort of good that the sad day (that day of loss) and the happy day (birthday) are so close together. this year, on the 23rd, he would have turned 18. i made an animated short (you know a cartoon for kids) on that day at school. how appropriate.

x-dell ~ she's all that. and ... i don't know either. resolve. stubbornness. and yes, the people around us sometimes.

foam ~ :) ... yeah k is better that c i think

yes i was in the woodshed ... im coming out, maybe, i thinkl