Wednesday, December 20, 2006

i heard you

Wednesday, December 20, 2006
[i have watched many souls leave their bodies. and i have watched many more souls suffer in anguish ... as the bodily shell crumbles away, yet leaving the silver cord that anchors a soul to its shell untouched. its most humbling and awe-filled, to experience so intimately, the suffering of a dying body and soul ... helpless to stop it. and more humbling, yet, to witness the grief spewing from the living ... the left behind. i suppose that's where this piece comes from. death has beauty ... in its own way.]

my darling. heard you, weeping so mournfully. heard that deep gutteral sound come from somewhere deep inside your viscera. i - unable to comfort you. under the weight of heavy sedation and the weakness of my sickly ravaged body, i heard you. heard you as i rested in my lonely, but soothing, suspended animation. white, darling, i found myself in a sea of vast whiteness. nothing living. nothing dead. suspended, in space and time.

that’s how it felt, darling. and then, i heard your deep, mournful cries. they rang out in my heart. the same sorrow-filled cries one hears from a gull seeking out its lost mate. and, then, darling, i felt it. we - lost from each other. in your cries i heard the arrogance, haughtiness, and anger fall away. i heard such longing, such despair, such love. how, darling, did i never feel these things before? oh, darling. what touched me most of all is the feeling of your tears trickling along my hand, which you held next to your gentle face. tears, yours, shed for me.

darling, i came back. came back because it seemed too soon to leave you. to leave life. to leave earth. i want to savour each moment, smell each flower, feel each tiny detail of existence. i want fire, passion, breath, soul, depth. i want to feel power melt into the webs of my fingers. that time spent in suspended animation, darling, it injected savage desires into my heart, into my flaming red petals. and, so darling, i will go play in my garden, now. in my garden of savage petals. there, you can find me.