Tuesday, December 11, 2007

holding my breath

Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I thirst for him so desperately, sometimes I can smell him here. That virile, fermone-laden scent of a man. He leaves me breathless ~ feeling like an insatiable, hungry child. In the still of many ebony nights our hearts, psyches and souls exploded together ... silently, passionately. I must wait 4 weeks. That's it ~ the time will pass quickly. Yet, I feel the absence of his presence as desperately and acutely as I feel myself when I hold my breath, and thoughts of when I will next breathe choke out all other thoughts. Sometimes the ache becomes so pronounced I feel physically ill. Sometimes I have the fortitude to place the ache in its trunk, and lock it there, out of view and grasp. It eventually finds a way out ~ this ache for him. And so I face each moment as it presents itself. And I remind myself that I must retreat, emotionally, in order to advance.

"Focus, roxanne. Of course you will survive. The light is where you walk."


the humming chorus makes me think
of all the magic that sparkles there, inside you.



10 comments:

Mayden' s Voyage said...

I sent you a note- "the light is where you walk"...
Someone recently said to me that it could never be dark where I go because of my inner light-
it was a beautiful compliment.
I see it in you-

Keep breathing- breathe deep...(I'm saying this to me as much as I am saying it to you~)

I'm so happy for you- be well- take good care...hugs ♥~♥~♥

boneman said...

I didn't actually say it was oversaturated, though I had guessed at you "monkeying" with the color some.
I've come across scenes as wonderfully mysterious as the one wih the purple path, and the first thing I say to myself is "boneman! Paint this!"

then the second thing I say to myself is, "why bother? Nobody in their right mind will believe it, anyway"

...and if I have m'cheapie camera, I take a picture, thank the spirits that brought me there and wander away....

Now, as for the present situation,....are you contemplating doing it with a statue till yer lover comes home, 'cause, even as good as some of the artists were, well....they couldn't get the cold out of the stone.

(just jokin'. Be sure t'say if I go too far...)

the.red.mantissa said...

mayden ~ thank you ... i was told only very recently 'the light is where you walk' ~ it touched me. indeed, its a beautiful compliment.

i'm excited. hugely stressed and exhausted ... but excited. got your second email ... i will reply soon.

boneman ~ it would make a lovely painting, wouldn't it. that's what makes it so mysterious and charming ~ it looks almost too good to be true.

cold out of the stone ... clever. :D

foam said...

the act of missing someone is a lonely feeling. may your light shine brightly in the few weeks before you meet up again.
and may it continue to flame on..

the.red.mantissa said...

foam ~ indeed. lonely, it is. sometimes suffocatingly lonely. have you ever felt this? that the absence of someone feels so suffocating? mostly for me, its been the presence of others that suffocate me, so. not so, with this one. he's a sweet treasure. and a necesaary one, too.

Zeppellina said...

It is sad to miss someone and to be so lonely, but there is a wonderful joy in the embraces of returns.

..................... said...

yes, i've felt the loneliness due to the absence of a loved one. and i've felt the loneliness in a crowd surrounded by people. most recently at a work related christmas party with folks i've worked with for 5 years.

X. Dell said...

As my mother is fond of saying, this too shall pass. I'm excited about your move, and you reunification.

Anonymous said...

Hey- I found my misplaced notes...
and my memory is getting faulty- (it's a good thing I write so much down these days!)
Anyway- I was thinking I had missed your special day- only remembering a 7...
But it's today- the 17th...correct?

Hugs- and a hope for a blessed day full of joy and happiness~
a day to celebrate you :)

love,
-me :)

the.red.mantissa said...

hey mayden ....

thanx for the birthday wishes. the day started out shakey ... i ended up 'giving in' to the sunday evening tv crowd and watching some movie about a young man who goes missing for 7 days and is eventually found by his mother, car crashed in a ditch somewhere in northern bc.

bad sort of movie to watch, particularly in my frail emotional state, and particularly whilst missing someone so very much.

of course ... my imagination went crazy, watching the movie (remembering, too, the very recent feeling of having to report someone missing) and not having heard from the one i now miss in four days ... yeah ... i began to fret. to the point of hysteria, almost. yes, its possible to file a missing person's report from overseas.

of course, i fretted for nothing. and got told in an affectionate scold 'girl, you mustn't fret ... nothing will ever happen to me ... i'm a survivor.'

and all this before 0930!

and so ... a day that started out all wrong turned out to be alright ... not perfect ... but alright.

my real celebration will occur after i arrive in the uk ... then i will have much cause to celebrate.