Friday, April 20, 2007

full circle?

Friday, April 20, 2007
[written saturday, 21.4.07]

full circle. i ponder the circle. almost a year to the date. not quite. and here, i find myself again. wondering, this time - do i remove the ring? or leave it, and believe? i chose ... to leave it and believe. its my skin, after all. what other option would i chose?

but ... still ... i felt such abject sadness friday morning when he had not appeared overnight ... or in the am, as promised. i felt such abject sadness ... that i did not wear my glasses for the morning commute. and for the first few hours @ school. spectacles have little effect, when the tears trickle ... and trickle.

i felt ... martin had forgotten. just plain failed to consider. that i might worry ... wait ... with angst in my heart. failure to consider .... me. a huge gesture, i thought. me, who so proudly felt adored by my wolf. just cast aside by same. adoration? not anymore ... perhaps.

and ... so i felt. and the feeling would not subside. and ... of course ... my instructor noticed. and provided the tenderest, most compassionate attention ... to this tearful student ... to hold her together. the gesture of this interaction did not escape me. i needed it. it buoyed me. gentle concern/compassion and a tiny bit of acknowledgement and attention can go a long way. and i wondered ... what happened to my wolf, that he just let me down so?

and ... only a few hours later ... i see my beloved wolf, with luggage in tow. he came right to me. straight away. and ... so he had not forgotten. or stopped loving. or stopped adoring. just ... didn't think. he felt my despair ... my sadness ... at his failure to connect. and he aquiesced. and he promised .... he would send a sign of life. and love.

and ... we spent his time @ home - less than 24 hours - enjoying each other ... laughing ... chatting ... loving. and now ... he's gone, again. ETA - some time on may 4th.