Saturday, April 07, 2007

emerging, alone, from the darkness

Saturday, April 07, 2007
alone in the darkness. illusory - this solitude. and - all the while - my lucidity regarding said illusion remained clear and strong. still, an immense and incredibly powerful and extremely debilitating sense of sorrow - grief, intense grief - settled upon my soul. and paralyzed my spirit. much the same way a tiny spot of dampness renders an fresh bag of brown sugar inert and impenetrable. like that. i could not enter myself. i could not extract myself. trapped - this self of mine - beneath a thick, icy layer of flaming and poisonous grief.

cuddly as a jellyfish. that's how martin described me late thursday evening when i began to emerge from the grip of the devil of darkness that lurks within me. we laughed. and now i have yet another clever and descriptive phrase to ad to my bylines! and, i do no feel ashamed to admit its true. 'cuddly as a jellyfish.'

once again, i released myself from the darkest grips of that devil that lurks inside my soul. but, fools yourselves not! s/he always resides close @ hand. ever close. ever longing. ever restless. indeed, susan - its like having the devil inside you. and you know? sadly, i have grown to believe that it never goes away. that, those of us who house this devil ... must learn to balance its demands with the rest of life for ... all of this earthly existence.

i have spend my time cut off from the collective energy source called the internet contemplating death, life, knowing.

death & life - i wonder - have we got it all wrong? does artificial extension of life really honour its sacredness? what if we have ignored g-d's call for a soul? what if we have extended some lives beyond their ethereal purpose? what if ....? we have not heard g-d's call? because we have busied ourselves too much with our own call? what if ...?

death and dying - what has occurred to many of you only in light of baron's untimely death has rattled around in my heart and soul for a while now - for many years, in fact. the humbling reality of mortality. ours - humanity. for each of us - the end could come at any time. how do you really know you will see that buddy again? or your son, daughter, husband? you don't really. you just develop a certain amount of complacency to hopefully obscure the discomforting sorrow of reality. one never knows. death comes. she does not discriminate. at times we can cheat her - but only @ some expense, the cost of which will only become apparent much later down the time line of our existence. do not mistake this doomsayer-ish-ness for the nihilism of depressive thinking. its not. its a realization of the sorrow that plays a role in the circle of life. humanity likes to deny death. in doing so, we deny life. in doing so, we kill with abundance.

knowing - so few of us really possess knowing. i mean, really possess it down to our viscera, feel it boiling in our very bone marrow. many of us think we know ... oh so much more than we do. 'ignorance is bliss.' true - this old adage, in a surreal sort of way. i think, when one really submits oneself to the humbling reality of the delicate mortal finiteness of existence on earth, one cannot help but feel a constant twinge of sorrow for what loss exists somewhere in the moment. forget not, dear reader, that the circle of life continues to spin - whether pride and fear obscure your view of said wheel or not.

we think ourselves so smart. yet - we do not know. the birds know. the trees know. the grass knows. the magnolias and the cherry trees know. the willow trees know. the hyacinths, the tulips and the daffodils know. the see knows. and it waits, so patiently. the mountains, brood in their knowing. and still, we do not know. those of us that do know - that feel this ancient, silent, mystical knowledge brewing in our very bone marrows - we bear the label unstable, odd, eccentric, mentally ill, even.

i know. i feel this knowledge boiling in my blood. a silent, constant knowledge. it cannot speak as loudly and forcefully as power, or glamour, or ego, or vanity. it cannot speak that language. the knowledge i feel speaks a silent, ancient and enigmatic dialect. it takes gentle patience and solitude of self to decipher its code. its a labour of love. and a life long work in progress.

~here's a poetic musing of our long walk in the sunshine~

an honour guard of grand old cypress and pine trees
protect the dead from the living
an explosion of verdant textures, shades and blooms
tickle my senses
out of the corner of my eye - a late bloomer -
a surreal sepia image - a suspension of time and space:
a young tree, with delicate chestnut buds
and a strange patch of dessicated, pale brown leaves
a chorus of ravens serenades us with their stuttered
and angular sounding spring melody
the sparrows, the starlings -
the blossom-scented breeze carries their songs, too.
its raining the loveliest kind of rain shower
any princess could have on a warm, sunny day -
a delicate and steady shower of the tiniest pink blossom petals.
i breathe. deeply.
i inhale. inspiration.
i exhale. more inspiration.
i live. deeply.
down to the cellular level.
i live.
what a gift i possess.
and what a grace -
to know.

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Helene (aka Kate) said...

"i have grown to believe that it never goes away. that, those of us who house this devil ... must learn to balance its demands with the rest of life for ... all of this earthly existence."

I hope, to my core, that this is not the truth. I have been wondering myself though.

I felt almost every word you wrote here.

Sometimes I wonder if its a misery loves company thing... this blogging. That we search out and connect with people who seem to feel what we do. Trying to make some sense of all that is in our heads. I dont think that people who havent experienced what we have can even imagine what it is like.

Anyway, I wish you peace and clarity on this Easter Morning. said...

wishing you the same. i fear its true - about the devil inside.

blogging ... for me its a connection to so much psychic energy. sometimes that's a good thing. and sometimes not. depends on what energy i chose to surround myself with. its definitely magnetic.

infini, mayden and enemy of the republic - check your email; i have sent something to each of you. its not a joke, just in case you're wondering.

thinking of you all, when i look at the magnolias explode in bloom.

Lady Prism said...

connections to bloggy people..connections...connections...I don't know what's wrong with me..if there is anything at all that's wrong with me..because I feel..just feel that right now the meatspace "real" ( according to my hubby real is something you can touch...he's not a blogger hah!) people who claim to be friends are either shallow or just plain tactless..grrrr...I smile at them and chat but by golly' I dunno' where their ideas are coming from...Just a while ago someone I know just said hi to me...then went on to scan my body and add whatever am I loosing weight for...was I sick or on something...she said it with this look that says something is wrong with was if I where some ugly freak who can't afford a duuuuh'...gawd..the rudeness...

And it's not just the misery I love..oh' yeees I love misery too...because I feel that a blogger who writes about plain genuine misery speaks about me too!..Another's words become my own...that's the connection...And another person's joy when she writes about it becomes mine as well....that's the connection!...And when we lose someone...and we don't know why...all our questionings are connected..and it makes us separate but one...

sorry if I sound weird...I just got back into the groove of writing...all I really wanted to say was I miss you..all of you and hugs from me! said...

luxie - have thought of you. honest, i have. and miss you too. i low you to pieces for the fact that you always receive my words as though .... your sort of claim them too. you 'get it' - like a few others other there in bloglandia.

i have been out of my usual writing groove for a few days. things in school are settling for the time and i can get back into it. have missed you too - and will make a visit to your blog soon.

hugs to you. and - there's nuthin wrong with you, girl!