A Look Back

In the summer of 2006 Martin and I reached and impasse in our marriage. I left him, in fact [this, the first of a few times I left the marriage cage]. That first time, the death of our dog brought me back to the marriage. During this time, I started a secret blog to document this turmoil in my marriage. I spent some time Monday evening poking through that blog. I've compiled a few of these posts for you below. See if you can catch the story through the words I've written.

~ written 30.04.2006 ~

how i felt just after leaving

shreds ...

that's how it all turned out ... shreds. how, exactly, did this happen? i mean, it feels like i woke up and found my life like this ... shreds. WTF??? where, i wonder, was i when it all fell to shreds? drowning ... ? perhaps. drowning in a sea of identity thru others. velvet, mother. velvet, wife. velvet, existing only in relation to the others in her life. velvet, brutally wounded by the bayonettes called anger, grief, parenting. parenting ... we all want it. that's because we have no idea how horribly difficult, isolating and painful it really is ... and because we don't count on getting a child that's defective ... unable to fit the mold we so desperately want it to fit ... unable to even love its parents.

shreds. each and every day. the defective child ... the one the parents grieve, despite his physical presence. each day a new feeling of loss superimposed on top of the old feelings of loss. each day, the violent slap of unrequited love ... the painful desperation of knowing i love and do not receive any in return. shreds ... each parent, consumed in grief, anger, desperation. grief, with no closure. never closure. only a dull aching and a feeling of failure. FAILURE.

consumed. this thing ... consumed us. or ... we allowed ourselves to be consumed. does it matter now? we are empty nesters ... empty being the key word. we are left in the nest ... feeling empty, they have emptied us out ... the children of this marriage. what remains? two empty shells ... formerly known as ourselves. who are we? who am i? who is he? what are we doing here? besides brooding, brooding, and spewing unhappiness. when does love become habit ...? when does need become habit? habit ... an action one engages in without consideration. is that what we have become?

how does one extract oneself from the tangles of grief, anger, isolation, guilt, emptiness? can there be salvation? can there be redemption ...? i mean, redemption for the relationship ...? does anything remain to be redeemed? does whatever remains WANT to be redeemed? that, dear readers, is quite the question. isn't it?




~ written 4.05.2006 ~

10 days into it ...

that's how long since i left. i haven't left entirely, i suppose - for i still go there frequently. where do i reside? well, for now i reside inside myself. i sleep in the spare room of my mum's place, and a few of my things dot the room that had become the great book depository before i crashed mum's gate. the bulk of my belongs remain in some damp, cold storage locker 3 km from here. and shreds and shard of my life ... they still reside at that other place, along with the man, a co-pilot whose life grew into my own. and the dog ... 10 years old ... the last remaining dependent. pieces of me ... tender, blazing shrapnel ... lie in waiting. in waiting for what? for me to shine my shrill and shrieking light on them. waiting for me to rescue them. to rediscover them - you know - the way one discovers a cherished possession thought lost and gone forever?

what have i discovered, upon re-emergence?

1. this solitude - well its not really a solitude but it sort of is - this rediscovery ... it leaves me awe-filled daily. i listen to myself, to my body. it tells me things. i suppose it has tried to tell me these things all along - but, submerged, i could not hear. or perhaps i heard, but failed to listen. what have i learned? my body - every cell in my body - wants to grow, nourish and deliver a new life. without a doubt. i love. i'm amazed ... but i love. i think of myself as a shell enclosing a shriveled and blackened heart. yet, i find i have the capacity for enormous, voracious love.

2.epiphany! i see now that i have secretly (secret in the sense of unbeknownst to me) focused on and searched for what's missing. as opposed to finding happiness in what remains. comfort, habit, the enduring ... i had sunk so much into all of these ...to the point of submergence. this trivial life ... it sort of swallowed me - like Jonah, swallowed by the great whale. assimilated - i think i got assimilated. where do i begin and where does this life begin? this life ... its just circumstance ... its not me - not my essence. what a simple thought. and a truly startling revelation.




~ written 19.05.2006 ~

unchangeable entity

EDIT: realization. that running never solves anything. nor does distraction. the longing. from where does it originate? i have know, deep down there somewhere, all along that i could not live without lupin. maybe i didn't fully realize it. at all times.

this sad, visceral longing, that has loomed over my soul for these past few days - it's fear. i believe that its fear. of even thinking about changing the unchangeable. of challenging an entity that has weaved itself into the fabric of my heart. its like ... trying to envision living without water ... or oxygen. simply impossible. i cannot live without him, my lupin ... he is my water, my oxygen. as long as he is on this planet, i must exist with him.

but ... things do not have to be so black and white, do they? i like to think they do not. and think that ... i can choose to explore uncharted territory without wreaking complete havoc. i'm so glad in a way that this deep aching longing, which sat in the pit of my stomach for the past several days, i'm so glad that it has turned out to be my own fear. my own fear of changing the unchangeable.

yes ... there is a burning longing ... for ? feeling, unbridled passion, and possibly ... for one so far away - an escape? this ache -- it wants to know itself, that's all. know all the dark and tender secrets of my mind, the raw sensitive spots on my soul and ... whatever else i am willing to share with myself.

we must dare to dream, fantasize. i think we must.

but for now ... i wait.



 ~ written 13.07.2006 ~

and i said to lupin ...

"... you have served me so well. and i ... i have not served you nearly as well."

a profound realization.

and ... i'm truly convinced blazer had everything to do with it. convinced. and ... i'm no cracker jack .... just a soul who senses what others may miss. my darling and beautiful shaggy angel hound .... thank you .... it seems small to say so, considering all you have done. godspeed my hound. i feel you around me.




~ written 14.07.2006 ~

a dialogue with myself

and? shall i expect forgiveness? shall i expect all will be right again?
forgiveness is so much harder than being remorseful. it involves surrender.
i think that there shall be no grand absolution only forgiveness meted out in precious, tiny sips which lupin shall feed to me in spoonfuls.
and ... i think that it shall be enuf.

In less than 60 days one year's separation will have past. And I can then file for my divorce. I have begun the process of taking back my maiden name. And ... I will reconcile with Pilot. Its interesting, and worthwhile, looking back at the words I carved onto the screen, almost three years ago. It seems that, when a change must occur in a facet of one's life, it will occur, eventually, even in the face of one's personal protests.

My Heart is too Small

I AM ANGRY. PERHAPS MY HEART IS TOO SMALL?

"If your cup is small, a little bit of salt will make the water salty. If your heart is small, then a little bit of pain can make you suffer. Your heart must be large."

“I would not look upon anger as something foreign to me that I have to fight...I have to deal with my anger with care, with love, with tenderness, with nonviolence.”

“Just because anger or hate is present does not mean that the capacity to love and accept is not there; love is always with you.”

“In a time of anger or despair, even if we feel overwhelmed, our love is still there. Our capacity to communicate, to forgive, to be compassionate is still there. You have to believe this. We are more than our anger, we are more than our suffering. We must recognize that we do have within us the capacity to love, to understand, to be compassionate, always.”


~ Thich Nhat Hanh ~

Some Things on My Mind Right Now:

1. A challenge for those who call themselves CHRISTIAN ~ link

2. The planet has become too crowded for moral superiority and greed masquerading as altruism ~ lose the ego already.

3. I am tired of individuals who take, take, take from the bounty of others, and then cowardly run and hide when they receive their bounty. People like this just eat away at society, from the inside out.

4. God, give me the strength to overcome the anger of my ego ... and continue to love those who prove very hard to love. A great, painful anger oozes from my Self. Its so heated ... its vapourizing itself into my psyche. Its hurting me. Make it go away, please.

5. I still possess the capacity for love, despite this anger that sits upon my heart like a giant, heavy scab.

silly kitties

check the blue cheese blog for today's weekly post.

also, check the never shower in high heels blog for recent updates.

on the street where i live

~ wading in it?

it's a snapshot of the little walking man that one finds at every crosswalk-traffic light intersection. taken on a rainy Monday evening with my cell phone camera and then doctored using lunapic online. doesn't life sometimes feel like this image?



~ we endure.

like the mighty oak, we endure. methodically, with strength & sensibility, & grounded in longevity, vigour & loyalty. i feel like this leaf sometimes.





~ "... and forget about everything ..."

a rainy night, on the short walk home from the bus stop. the circle of life continues turning ... life moves perpetually forward. even when our spirits succumb to the inertness of despair, impatience and desire.

bus stop

On Monday evening I took a jaunt to the Safeway at Broadway Station to get some kitty food and litter. I walked to the bus stop at Commercial & 14th and then waited for the no. 2o bus. while I waited I took these 5 pictures.



Then found LunaPic, an online photo editor. and so 5 simple pictures inspired the images below.

~ remember ~

"...and the victory that day was turned into mourning unto all the people..."

my front yard

the smallest blessings possess the greatest beauty.
we never have to go very far, only think we do.
its all right there, if only we can open our eyes.

~ all photos taken by frizzy on her cell phone ~

exactly how big wuz it?

no words here on this silent Sunday.
if you want to read something .... check this

my polarity

~ september 22th ~

It’s happened. After 9 months of separation, living under the same roof, He has moved out. I feared, even just a few weeks ago, that the dissolution of the partnership would dissolve me. For … who have I been these many years? Someone’s wife. Someones’ mother. Someones’ nurse. An employee. A student. A patient. A victim. A fuck. An income. Defined in relation to others. Defined by a role I assume in daily life. Defined by an affliction. Defined by an action. Valued for the pleasure others can derive from their interaction with me.

I feel liberated. I feel relieved. I feel renewed - like I have the energy to sort through all these material things and purge, purge, purge. An external activity and process that mirrors my internal processes. Scatter and gather.



~ now ~

I have decided to revert back to my maiden name. I even purchased the letters to place on the mailbox ... to replace my married surname. I sleep alone ... I awake alone. Except for a grey feline ~ a female feline. She likes to wake me up by sitting atop me ... and kneading my hair with her paws. Personally, I prefer this method of wake-up to manipulative demands for sex. Making myself a man's prey quite hinders my sense of self worth. I'm no man's fucking pleasure vessel. I'm me. I don't know what exactly that entails yet, but I think I like it.

I have learned that it really doesn't benefit anyone to remain in a sparkless, lifeless marriage. No one ends up a winner when one sacrifices one's happiness for the longevity of a marriage. When life becomes a series of habitual scenarios and people strung together, as opposed to a mindful challenge, we've lost. And ... do we need to exist solely in pairs? Who says?



The other day, I drew the Death Tarot Card. For those of you unfamiliar with tarot, this card symbolises transformation and rebirth. And, so ... the end becomes the beginning. I see my life and the people in it thru an entirely different prism. Soon, I will mark a year of separation from my husband. No chance of reconciliation exists. He has chosen another path. A dark path. He has become a stranger to me. He's stolen from me [yeah, cleaned out my bank account, days before rent day!], and then told me prefers living on the street, where he gets robbed, than 'get fleeced by [me]' ... and he constantly insinuates that i am faking this depression and mental illness stuff. Yes, I do not know this person. And ... he does not know me. Irregardless, I forgive him. And, when he appears at my door, seeking food, I always share what I have. That's turning the cheek, ain't it? And, FUCK, it's DIFFICULT!

I have overlooked myself in favour of others for far too long, now. Its time for me to look after me. I have felt suicidal for the past 2 years. No kidding. My doc diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder. And, until very recently, I have suffered so from sleep deprivation. I had no idea what a solid 8 hours of sleep felt like ... really. The Seroquel works ~ within 30 minutes of taking it, I am passed out, sleeping. I take care, now. I monitor ~ what surrounds me, what enters me, what passes through me. I avoid the drama of others. I feel easily overwhelmed. I remind myself feelings demand me to feel them, and not fight them. My disappointment at how Martin has turned out has devastated me ... I fantasized about self-harm quite a bit over the past week. My meatspace friends, thankfully, will not leave me to my own devices ... they challenge me to forge ahead. Joy defines pain and pain defines joy.



Only the dead fish always swim with the current.

the One?

In the wake of Obama's presidential victory I find myself thinking of my old friend Neo and The Matrix. Neo lives in the illusory world of the Matrix. Ahhh, The Matrix ~ a construct of reality developed by the machines which have come to earth to enslave humanity and harvest humans as a source of bio-electric energy. A few humans in this dark world have awareness of their status quo. They exist unplugged from the illusory world upon which many others rely for survival. Legend has it that a human ~ known as 'The One' ~ will end the enslavement of humanity, thus delivering his people to freedom. Neo discovers his identity as this messianic figure. And ... well, the story unfolds.



Now, let's talk about reality. Segregation ... the American South ... the persecution of black people. Forty years ago we mourned the loss of a great man, an inspiring leader. That great man had a dream ~ a dream he believed America would realize ... he had such faith ~ he saw the promised land. Alas, like Moses, MLK did not live to witness that historic moment when his people received their deliverance. It deeply moved me to see Jesse Jackson in the crowd, awaiting Obama's arrival and speech. Why? Because that man, one of many who witnessed Obama became president-elect, also witnessed MLK's assassination. And this, for me, epitomizes the greatness of this achievement.

Has Jesse Jackson come full circle? Have we come full circle? Has Obama delivered his people to their promised land? We have made Obama our Neo ~ a messianic figure that will save us all. Let's remember tho ~ he's no Wizard ... he is but one simple human. And we have placed the burden of our hopes and despairs on his slender shoulders. Can one human carry this heavy cross? And ... I wonder ... can we?. Are we really unplugged enough from the system to really work toward changing it?

about a dream ...

I found this image the most powerful image of the whole evening.
Why? For me, it epitomizes the profound shift
which fueled a most historic and breath-taking moment.
Recall, if you will, that the man in the image stood beside MLK
when James Earl Ray fired that fateful shot.
How far have you come, America?

the nature of water

i am water ~
flowing to the lowest places,
sometimes stormy,
sometimes bottomless,
mostly, though ~
taking the shape of my surroundings.


Wolf of Water by ~yuumei on deviantART