Manic Mondays # 4::Carving Order into the Chaos

I have adopted a flexible routine. It keeps me grounded. It enables me to focus on following the inspiration to creative production. I have decided, also, to reject negative energy, in favour of positive light. I do not need to get the last word. I have come to see that I am not my mind. I am soulful, I am spirit. I am light. I found a fabulous website last night called The Happiness Project. It led me to devise my own person commandments. And my own framework for happiness.

I remain committed to myself, in continuing my own Project 365. I have come to see that one must commit to oneself on a spiritual, personal level, before one can contribute in any meaningful way to others, to society at large. This realization makes me feel alive inside, and stable/grounded on the outside. I do choose ~ it does start with me.

Sacred Life Sunday:A Day of Rest ~family, relaxing, quiet time

This picture speaks for itself. What else, for a Sunday, but sacred rest?

Project 287 :: Week 1 In Review

What is Project 287?

Foto Finish Friday :: The Ones That Didn't Make It

I have decided to make Foto Finish Friday a chance to feature and 'finish' my own photographs, rather than someone else's. I will choose from the many photos that I took for my Project 287, that did not 'make the cut.' The photo below, I took on the W. Georgia side of the Vancouver Art Gallery. It's part of the main feature of the grounds, there ~ a lovely stone-sculptured fountain that has several sides, depicting a nymph-like creature, climbing up the rocky slope. Creator, Alex Svoboda used as his inspiration for this magnificent piece the legends of the Celts, Gauls and Britons, the forebearers of of the earliest British Columbians. He carved this magnificent piece from 18 ft-high black marble, which came from Carrara, Italy. The design centred around a motif of water, and the fountain commemorates the union of the Crown Colony of Vancouver Island with the mainland ~ 1966.

*8 Things ~ Not to Miss in Your Twenties

1. Spend time with your girlfriends ~ Don't let your boyfriend or love interest monopolize all your time. Now's the time to enjoy your youth, your freedom [from heavy-duty commitment and responsibility] and your friends. As time passes, and you grow older, and grow into family life, you'll find less and less time for yourself and for time spent with your friends.

2. Start saving your money now ~ Its never too early to begin saving. Saving = good. Spend-thrifting = bad. Think of saving as paying yourself first.

3. Live by yourself [i.e. on your own] ~ It may seem lonely and solitary, at first, but it will prove a invaluable experience that will pay dividends later in your life. Make sure that you can meet the challenge of self-sufficiency, before entangling your life with someone else's.

4. Use birth control ~ Its definitely not as glamourous and easy as it seems to go through pregnancy and raise a child. If you want to get pregnant so you can have someone to love you unconditionally, then get a pet.

5.  Travel,  work abroad,  spend time living abroad ~  Now - when you have none of the heavy-duty family responsibilities - you can afford the time, energy and cost of such an trip. Do it ~ you won't regret it.

6. Pay cash for everything, and if you can't, don't buy it ~ You will have hundreds of companies [department stores, banks, etc] convincing you that you need to get a credit card, a loan, or a line of credit from them. Ignore them. Refuse them. Bankruptcy and/or a poor credit rating will follow you around for longer than you can imagine. Don't mortgage your future opportunities for the present's tempting frivolities.


7. Forgive your parents for whatever you think they did wrong ~ They did the best they could. Parenting looks easy, until you get there. And, really, you'd end up wasting so much time and effort being angry. Get over it.


8. Take the career path that YOU want ~ Its likely going to make some waves when you tell your parents that you don't want to study X, but you want to study Z. Or when you tell them you have no interest in learning the family business. But, in the end, its your life. In the future you must live with the consequences of the choices you make now. Choose wisely and for the right reasons.

Wishcasting Wednesday ~ Money Wishes

This week's Wish Prompt ~ What's Your Money Wish?

Want, when, worry. Imagine a hidden civilization with no words in their language for these words ~ want, when, worry. Interesting. A people with no desire to accumulate. A people with little roots. A nomadic people that spend 6 months of the year in their handcrafted boats. How do these people value each other, I wonder? Not by their depths of accumulation. And what, then, does this say about money? It says, to me, that money has become far more than a means of exchange in our modern society. Its become a symbol of power, and the measuring-stick by which we measure others.


Think of it. What's the first question people typically ask, when meeting someone for the first time? What do you do for a living? Which really means the following. How much money do you earn? Why do we want to know this? Does it assist us in sizing up the person that we've just met? Do we rank people, according to the amount of money they have in their coffers? How sad. Because he who dies with the most toys, still dies.

I wish for a more inclusive society, with respect to money. I wish for a day when all people have what they need, not necessarily what they want, to live life. I wish for a day when I no longer have to juxtapose in my head the fact that in Canada's richest city, a poor and homeless chap called Richard lives at the corner of Hastings and Main, possessing not much more than a hammer with which to defend himself. I wish for a day when people no longer confuse financial wealth with life fulfillment.


I wish .... what's your money wish?

Photo: I took this one in Dorset, UK, last year ~ when it comes to money we all seem like sheep, don't we?

Treacle Tuesday # 1: Brownie-Bear

Welcome to Tuesday. I have created a challenge for this day of the week that I call Treacle Tuesday. Its my vehicle for honouring the most precious and cherished things in my life ~ people. Why treacle? Well, because it comes from the Latin word for antidote to poison. And because of its sweetness ~ as the by-product of sugar refinement. I've come to realize, in my heart of hearts, that I need to remember and honour the people that have graced and blessed my life, in the past and in the present. To always hold so close to my heart and soul the graces and blessings that enrich my life and have molded me into myself ~ that's a real antidote to the poison of negative energy. And, so ... here's the first Treacle Tuesday post.

My pets, of course, they're animals. But, they're each, always, also people ~ full-fledged family members. And, so, this week I honour the last of our Afghan Clan ~ the end of an era. The painting below ~ commissioned by me after his death ~ was done by Laura Pelick.

Dear Brownie Bear;

We cried for you, when you had to go, to that place where we could not follow. We felt so blessed to share life and love and everything in between for the 10 years you lived. We really called you Blazer, after a favourite vehicle that I drove shortly before we brought you home. I'll never forget that day, in November of 1996, when we drove to Fargo, ND from our home in Winnipeg, with the two kids and the two Afghan Hounds we already had in tow, in our Chevy Suburban.

Daddy got a speeding ticket on that trip. Its hard to believe your small size then, when I reminisce about your early life. You had taken a very long flight from Connecticut, where your breeder lives. You came from the Dragonfly kennel. Your pedigree lists your name as Dragonfly Lawrence of Arabia. I love that movie, Lawrence of Arabia, and that's why we chose that as your registered name.

I smile and laugh to myself, when I think what a cocky little pup we brought home from the Fargo airport. You loved to pick on Gitane, tug on her long, black coat with your sharp teeth. And you also took to sleeping in Gypsy's kennel. Surprisingly, he allowed you. I remember with such fondness, the time when he came to his kennel, to lie down, and found you, curled up in a tiny red, fur-ball, at the very front of his kennel. He very gently and carefully stepped into the kennel without disturbing you, turned himself around, and sat down, in that sphynx-position. How precious!

We cherished you in your later days, especially because of your status as the last Afghan remaining. You tolerated so well the move to Vancouver, in the cab of a U-Haul truck, with three humans sitting on the bench seat, and yourself scrunched on the floor of the passenger's side of the cab. You, a big, fully grown Afghan Hound by then, had to share foot space with Logan and me. We rode like that for 33 hours ... all the way to the westcoast. You adapted to apartment-living so well. What a good dog! You understood everything we said to you ... you never begged when you saw us eating our meals ... and you never ran away when we let you offleash at the Kitsilano Dog Beach.

We love you always, Brownie. You gave us so much. And we feel so much joy at the blessing of your life, devotion and love. RIP. I know you live on, beyond the veil. I feel your spirit in the wind around me, sometimes. I shall hold a place in my heart for you. That's where you live ... forever.

Love,

Mummy

Manic Mondays # 3::Tempering the Centrifuge

Welcome to Monday. I have created a new feature for Monday's post I am calling Manic Monday. Its an opportunity for me to explore my bipolarity and lifestyle changes I can make to bring stability and serenity to my inner self.

Imagine trying to live your life while some unknown spirit thrusts you repeatedly into and out of a centrifuge. The centrifuge never stops spinning. Instead, it vacillates between super-rapid spinning and somewhat sluggish spinning. You never know and can never predict the speed of the centrifuge. But still, you must pass through it at the whim of this evil spirit ~ enter ... exit ... enter.

The G forces weigh you down. And the volatility of an unknown renders you inert to the vibrant activity of life going on around you. Slowly, gradually, bits of you get sheared away ~ eroded by the chaos of existing in a centrifuge. The centrifuge sucks you in and spits you out, at random. And you feel eroded ... you begin to feel like nothing. You lose yourself in all that spinning. Slow down. Dance faster. Can you imagine? That's what it feels like, living with and through Bipolar Disorder.

I wrote this in my journal about a week ago, following a particularly horrid and raging manic episode. The raging mania I endured for those few hours became a lesson for me, an experience that led me to work harder at improving myself, and my response to life and the people around me. It sparked me to seek positive, healing energy and influences. I started by setting goals for myself every day. At first these goals involved organizing, tidying, decluttering my flat.

By the end of last week, I had completed the major task of making this flat look and feel like a home. I felt so good, inside and out. Its amazing how one's physical surroundings really rouses one's spirit. Getting rid of useless stuff, organizing that which remains ~ this removed such a heavy weight from my inner self. It filled with me with good energy, and that energy acts a talisman against the evil force that wants me to live my life at the whim of his centrifuge.

My task then became finding a way to hang onto this good and positive energy. I made that visit to the doctor that I had long procrastinated. I told him I wanted to add a mood stabilizer to my med regime. He granted my request. I now commit to myself to take my medications daily and to complete my mood diary daily. With this, my mind began feeling strong and balanced. My soul still cried out for sustenance, for a way to manufacture and grasp hold of positive energy.

The universe must have heard my cries, for then I stumbled upon a group of bloggers that sparked the creative light that had fizzled over the past few months. I've made a commitment to my creative muse ~ to express myself creatively, each and every day. My spirit feels healthier, more content, more balanced. I begin to feel a joy that emanates from within me, not from outside of me. My daily affirmation to myself ~ be the change you want to see ~ reminds me each day that I choose, that it starts with me, that changes effected on the inside will manifest themselves on the outside.

And so, I commit to myself, each and every day, to adhere to a routine, to make order a sacred priority in my daily existence. Further, I commit to myself to express myself creatively each and every day ~ through Project 287, and through a structure of daily creative challenges I have devised for myself in this blog. I have committed to myself to share with others the riches of inspiration and ideas that flow into my river.

Sacred Life Sunday:A White Stag ~beauty, pursuit, quest

Various legends exist regarding the white stag … for example in the UK just about every village has a tavern named The White Hart. The loveliest legends and stories about the white stag make him a messenger, a creature that eludes capture by humans, and even a creature which guides the souls of the recently deceased to the other side.

The white stag eludes our capture because he represents our quest for spiritual knowledge and also our capacity to overcome our challenges and difficulties. The accomplishment lies in his pursuit … not in his capture. The white stag seems, to me, a vestige of beauty … a metaphor for our pursuit of life and living.

The many wondrous gifts of living trickle upon us as we journey through this life. I don't see life as a treasure hunt ~ I see life as the treasure. Each challenge I face, each difficulty I overcome becomes a gift to me, a lesson. I've begun to see that I should run toward the challenges and difficulties that present themselves before me, as opposed to running away from them.

The gift of life and spirit lie in their pursuit, not in their capture and imprisonment.

My Complete Manifesto

I've discovered the most genuine and compassionate manner in which I can effect change in my surroundings. It involves effecting change in my self first and foremost - challenging my self to compassionate and hostile-free exchanges. I choose a course that involves altering my reaction to the thoughts, feelings and expressions of others.

I choose to remove myself from the presence of negative energy, which manifests itself as: (1) fear philosophy, hostility and obscuring, belief-driven ideology; (2) inflammation and rhetoric; (3) labelling, accusing and the blame game. I choose to 'agree to disagree,' rather than try to change the opinions of other(s).

I choose a path that involves stepping outside the box. I choose challenge. I choose to push the envelope ~ my envelope. I acknowledge dynamism, and the inevitability of change. I choose to make thoughtful and determined choices as to the energy with which I surround myself (read: company I choose to keep).

I choose. it starts with me.

Foto Finish Fridays # 1 ~ Ursus Maritimus

A picture = 1,000 words, maybe even more. The neat thing being, each set of eyes that looks at a picture will see a different story. Pictures inspire us, with their shadows, shapes, curves, colour, depth, and of course their subjects. I have started a new challenge for myself. Each week I will choose a picture ~ featured on a popular website such as Flickr or National Geographic one that I've taken ~ and I will free write about this picture ... about whatever inspirations it stirs within me. Its sort of like I'm finishing the foto . I'm starting this to challenge my imagination and nurture my creative source. For this week, I'm cheating an using this provocative photo I found on the National Geographic website.

Photograph by Paul Nicklen

National Geographic Society

Hello, human. Let me tell you my story. The Inuit call me Anuk. Scientists call me Ursus maritimus. You likely know me as Polar Bear. I live in a dark, austere and unforgiving terrain :: bitterly cold, dark winters, and meager vegetation. Glacial ice encasses most of the landmass here, in Svalbard ~ a cluster of islands halfway between Norway and the North Pole.

I raise my babies on the archipelago's isolated islands. My home has among the highest biodensity in the circumpolar region. The energy-rich waters sustain the ecosystem. My home lies beyond the human edge of possibility. Summer brings perpetual light. Winter brings perpetual darkness. Many of us remain here throughout the year. Except the birds ~ they're carpet baggers of sorts. The sunshine nights force us out of our usual nocturnal rhythm. We eat, and eat, and eat some more. I'm twice the size of a Siberian Tiger. And, I love to swim. Did you know that I can track a scent from a mile away?

Rising temperatures mean melting glacial ice. Over the past 30 years we have witnessed a 30 % decline in sea ice areas. The melting of glacial ice threatens my survival. As you can see in the picture, we had to get pretty good at jumping across the water ~ from ice flow to ice flow. But, some of my kind don't make it to the other side of the water. And they drown. Your chemicals, your pollutants weaken me ~ compromise my immune system and my life expectancy. Fat soluble pollutants harm me the most. Well, I've adapted to changes in my habitat before ... but only time will tell if I and my kind can survive these changes.

8 Things ~ I Highly Recommend You Do in Your Teens

1. Say NO to him ~ if he really loves you like he says he does, then he will wait. Don't settle for second best. You're worth more than that. Besides, you don't want to get pregnant. Its not as glamourous as Angelina Jolie makes it look.

2. Wear that mini-skirt, that short dress, that bikini, even ~ just pullleeeese, girls, don't make the mistake of thinking showing your undies or parts of your bare ass off in public is a good look. Less uncovered often equals more.

3. Wear sunscreen ~ skin cancer sucks ~ its painful and unattractive. Also, the sun exposure weathers your skin.

4. Get your driver's license ~ even if you don't intend on buying a car. And learn how to drive a standard. Take driving lessons ~ your mum or dad ain't the one to teach you driving, trust me.

5. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you're beautiful ~ in 20 or 30 years you'll look back and see the beauty of your youth. Look closely, the beauty's right there. You're NOT fat. Stop reading that sh!t they put on the magazine stands, like Cosmopolitan. Honey, no one really looks like those girls do. Those girls look like they do in Cosmo because of Photoshop!

6. Stay away from drugs ~ an addiction's the only thing you'll get, if you do dabble in the drug world. Addiction sucks ~ its like having a greedy monkey sitting on your shoulder, obsessing over when she'll get the next banana. Trust me, its never worth the high or the buzz you get.

7. Volunteer ~ its good for you to allocate some of your time to helping others.

8. Read ... and learn how to write ~ reading opens your mind ... it also might even open some doors for you. Research shows that reading promotes the neural connections in your brain and even helps you build new ones.  And writing ~ many people can't write a paragraph or a paper to save their skin. Learn now.

Watch this YouTube video, made by Baz Lurhmann ~ Wear Sunscreen. He says it alot better than I ever could.

Full Moon Dreamers ~ Full Worm Moon

Full Moon Dreamboards ~ a creative way to express what we wish to manifest in a particular month. Each month has a name, a this becomes the theme or inspiration for the dreamboard. For more on Full Moon Dreamboards, visit Jamie's site.

Full Worm Moon ~ March ~ As the temperature begins to warm and the ground begins to thaw, earthworm casts appear, heralding the return of the robins. The more northern tribes knew this Moon as the Full Crow Moon, when the cawing of crows signaled the end of winter; or the Full Crust Moon, because the snow cover becomes crusted from thawing by day and freezing at night. The Full Sap Moon, marking the time of tapping maple trees, is another variation. To the settlers, it was also known as the Lenten Moon, and was considered to be the last full Moon of winter.

Ahhhh. Spring begins to spring ~ the earth softens and begins nourishing life once more. Its a rebirth, of sorts ~ when what's within the earth (i.e. beneath its surface) burrows and sprouts its way through the surface. Perhaps I could take this calling from Mother Earth to soften somewhat, and allow some of that tenderness to reveal itself to others? Its what I wish to manifest in myself this month ~ to tear down the hard ass act ... and reveal a little of the vulnerable me. I suppose I'd like to draw myself out of my self. Or maybe its a pushing or purging?

And, so, here's a photochoppy I made that expresses this sentiment. It seems lacking, perhaps, but my heart says that this expresses what it wishes to express. Surreal Birth.

Wishcasting Wednesday ~ Wishes for Saying Yes

Jamie @ Starshyne Productions inspired this post. Each week, Jamie posts a wish prompt ~ a prompt meant to inspire participants to make a wish on their blogs. Giving and receiving support and encouragement lies at the heart of wishcasting. Visit Starshyne for more info on wishcasting.

This week's Wish Prompt ~ What do you wish to say yes to?

I wish to say yes to embracing the present, that place where life resides. And to the future, with all its possibilities. I wish to say yes to letting go of the anguish, anger and pain of past betrayals. And also to focussing on what I have still, as opposed to what I have lost. I wish to say yes to the surrender of forgiveness. And to the submissiveness of humility.


I wish to say yes to living within my means, to rejecting consumerism and to paying my debts. I wish to say yes to embracing reconciliation in my marriage and to giving myself completely in loving my husband. I wish to say yes to engaging life, coming out of my shell, to the many existing opportunities to participate. I wish to say yes to reinstating my professional nursing license and re-entering the profession for the first time in three years.


I wish to say yes to my creative muse, to writing that novel, to maintaining my blogs. I wish to say yes to supporting and encouraging my 23-year old son, who has moved two provinces away to begin a life with his girlfriend. Most of all, I wish to say yes to healing my body, mind and soul.

What do you wish to say yes to? Happy Wishcasting Wednesday.

Manic Mondays # 2 :: Mixed Episode and the Darkness of Mania

For details on Manic Mondays, please see this post.

Mixed Episode. That's what they call it in the psychiatric world when you feel insanely stimulated and darkly depressed all at one. Degrees of intensity vary from person to person and instance to instance, of course. Irregardless, it feels disconcertingly removed from ... everything and everyone that's supposedly real. It plain hurts, really. Its like trying to drive your car around the busy city whilst flooring the accelerator AND slamming on the brakes ~ like, at the same time.

Mr. Tinkerbell tells me, in the aftermath, that its seems like some evil demon possesses me ... 'its not you ... when you're like that.' Indeed, he's so right. Its sort of not me ... but it is my chemistry and physiology at work. And ... that's what plagued my Friday evening and night ~ a mixed episode. I know the trigger that provoked this latest episode. Just, well, I'm embarrassed to admit the foolish act I committed to trigger my behaviours. But, dear reader, I will.

Its like this ~ I fell off the cocaine abstinence wagon. Yup. Go ahead ... tell me how dumb ... ask me WTF possessed me to do such a dangerous thing. Still, berating myself doesn't alter the reality that I did cocaine again ... even after saying I never, ever would, several months ago! For those of you who don't know ... cocaine feels fabulous ... like an orgasm for the neurons. However, one hit never satisfies the internal monkey. The cocaine monkey, once awakened, wants more and more and more and more and more. She's a greeeeeedy monkey. And she only ever thinks about getting the next banana. Grrrrrrrrr.

Sooo, yeah, I fell off the wagon. And the monkey got pissed off when I cut off her banana supply. Add the stress of being broke and between paydays ... the stress of overcoming marriage strife via form of reconciliation ... the vulnerability that descends in times of unsurity and physical illness ... and the confusion of trying to decide what's right in life. Let's not forget the aging parents that live far away. That's quite a recipe for collapse of some kind.

Angry. I felt possessed by such rage. The kind of rage that makes a person turn normal, household objects into ballistic missiles. The kind of rage that makes a person say vile things to their loved one. The kind of rage to makes a heart race. And, yet ... I felt such despair ~ the despair that deludes you into believing its eternal. I could not reason. I could not negotiate. I could not relent. Self righteous ... lacking insight. Unable to concentrate. Mr. Tinkerbell did the wise thing he always does when I get like this ... he disengaged, silently. In the height of such agitation, one rarely takes time to think about how this behaviour affects persons present. He did not leave. He stayed. And said nothing. How painfully difficult!

After steaming myself into near heat stroke via shower, I turned on my Acer laptop and focussed on the internet ~ my blog, and various sites I have wanted to check out of late. I stayed up until 5 am. But, the internet did provide my brain with the diversion it needed to redirect itself. And, in the process, I discovered the fun of icanhascheezburger, I pimped this blog on various blog directory sites, I discovered psychcentral and I researched some meds I'll need to take.

A misty, sporadic sort of rain fell throughout the day Sunday. Its the sort of weather that makes me feel the dampness in my bones. As night drew closer, the wind picked up, and I could hear the cold howl of the wind, and the angry patter of rain drops hitting the front door. Its early, early Monday morning as I write this. The wind and the rain have settled. Its calm now. Quiet now. I can rest, soon.




Image Credit: Dark Matter by Mary Mattingly

Mad Hatter Syndrome?

Unless you have lived in a remote cave, or under a large rock, for the past many years, then you have heard the phrase mad as a hatter ... and know the beloved Alice in Wonderland character Mad Hatter. So ... WTF does it mean, mad as a hatter?

A hatter, well that's the poor sop who used to make hats, felt hats, specifically. The best sorts of felt hats required fur from beaver or rabbit pelts. And, of course, the fur from the pelts need processing in order to become a hat. By processing, of course we mean the addition of some kind of unfriendly chemicals. (Are there any other kind of chemicals, but the unfriendly kind, i ask you, dear reader?) Mercury applied to the fur made it rougher, matted ~ you know, to harden the fur so the hatter could shape it, iron it, steam it into its finished form, usually a top hat.

Hatters typically worked in poorly ventilated areas, and so the fumes from the mercury compound literally went to their heads. Ahhh, the pleasantries of mercury poisoning: brain damage ... kidney damage ... a painful death, sooner rather than later. What does that look and feel like? Like this ~ yellowing of skin, intense itchiness, loosening of teeth, mouth sores, bleeding gums, loss of co-ordination, slurred speech, and personality changes such as irritability, paranoia, memory loss, depression, anxiety, abdominal cramping, breathing difficulties, cardiac malfunction, muscle cramps. You get the idea, right? Sounds charming, huh? [NOT]

A so, now you know what Mad as a Hatter means. Makes one value sanity, doesn't it? Indeed, it does. It reminds one, too, of the pain of madness. Yes, it hurts when one is mad ... insane ... unstable ... mentally ill. Make no bones about it.

Break-up Songs - Get Angry, Not Soppy!

.. a PLINKY post ...

This post answers the PLINKY prompt that asks bloggers, 'Name three songs to help you get over a break-up.' The prompt also asks what makes these good post-break-up songs.
Haven't heard of PLINKY? It's fun, and maybe helpful if you have blogger's block.

1. I Hate Myself for Loving You by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

2.You're So Vain by Carly Simon
3. Delia's Gone by Johnny Cash

The song titles explain themselves, don't they? I remember listening to the first song on the back seat of my friend's mustang, on a ghetto blaster, coming home from the bar on a Saturday night. Oh, the crazy things we do we we're twenty-something! The second song's a classic break-up song, ain't it? The third song is one for the boys - :^)

And ... I can think of another song ~ Wrapped Around My Finger, by The Police. I have always loved the esoteric, almost arrogant tone of the lyrics.