Wednesday, May 02, 2007

i have felt like this for days ...

Wednesday, May 02, 2007
pssst - if you're one of those carebears
that only wants to live in the 'feel good' moments -
then your post is two posts back - sea otters holding hands.

enter this post @ your own risk.


alone. alone. alone.
melting into the darkness.
GONE. GONE. GONE.
we have all GONE.
well ... no matter.
i have GONE. but, still -
i'm here. besides,
stuffed animals make
far better companions anyhow.
and so do street people -
even though they're only nice
because they want something.
... at least they're honest!
that's more than i can say for others.
human beings -
they're highly overrated anyhow.
they simply lie and patronize
far too much for my liking.
morality and rationality -
they're just costumes we wear.
ultimately everyone acts
in their own self interest.
g-d is a tool of our trade -
self-service.
only the very weakest seem so very strong.
no one will close his eyes for you.
no one will close his heart for you.
no one will open his heart for you.
no one will save his heart for you.
no one will protect and defend you.
no one will pick you up when you fall,
but many will trample you, without a second thought
no one will ever open a door for you
but many will want to slam it -
and catch your heart in the doorjamb
there are no lovers, or friends, or partners
community exists only in one's dreams
promises mean little more than
the dust from which we emerged.
happiness - the exception, not the rule.
pain - the currency of life.
go lightly from this ledge
leave @ your own chosen speed.
nothing in here moves -
everything - just made of stone.
festering madness will eat me alive,
reduce me to a few meaningless shards of glass
sharp - jagged - shattered.
melting into nothingness
a beam of light --
swallowed into a cell of darkness.

i give up today. i feel sorrow-filled.
disconnected. i want to disengage.
from everything.
i cannot. i will not.
but -- i dearly, dearly WANT to.
that makes me weak, i suppose.
or --
perhaps too honest for the living?


4 comments:

Infinitesimal said...

this is going to sound trite, but....

have you tried fish oil? I take it and it really makes a difference in the blues. I notice it when I do not take it.

Well, if you try it, I hope it works. I don't like you're feeling this way.

had a bad migraine last night/all day and so now am groggy and trying to get it together for school...

xxoo

the.red.mantissa said...

i have not ... i'll look into it.
i've escaped the grip of those demons, for now ... for today. i'm afraid, tho ... that i will fall. so, i have taken to avoiding certain sections of downtown - for fear of falling to temptation. i think that would be BAD @ this time.

there nothing like a sudden cut-off of one's 'supply' to force one to do what one NEEDS to do ... sometimes its the only way.

you know that song by the rolling stones? its like that.

Anonymous said...

We all have our days and our ways of expressing...and you've expressed so movingly...

This poetry of yours is so haunting...

I hope you are feeling much better by now...

the.red.mantissa said...

anon - many thanx for your thoughts ... yes, indeed, i do feel the light of me has escaped the darkness of that cell. call me krazy, but i can only offer as an explanation for this escape the hand of g-d. i felt him ... felt him save me from myself ... and give me the strength to do some incredible things this week. know that poem of the footprints? yup - that's quite how it felt. honest and true.