another meme

*sigh* ... tagged by susan

1. i watched a man vomit blood to death once; it was the middle of the night in a small rural hospital~we had 20 patients, including 3 on heart monitors and anyone who came thru emergency and were the only 2 nurses for the entire building~the patient's bowel obstructed (he had metastatic cancer); and he died because the hospital's main supply room was locked and we could not get into it to retrieve the nasogastric tube we needed to decompress his vomitting gut.
2. i saw a dynamic hip screw (used to fix a fractured hip) pierce thru a lady's skin after she fell. she had fallen @ home and was waiting to have surgery to put the screw back where it belonged~she had to wait... @ least overnight with that screw dislodged and poking thru the skin ... before getting into surgery.
3. i have a tattoo - a green faery-goblim from brian froud's pressed faery book - its on my lumbar spine and we named him ~splat~
   
4. i see dead people/pets~spirits lurk about everywhere; just because U don't see 'em, doesn't mean they don't exist!
   
5. i dream things that come true and know things that i don't know how i know them.
   
6. i wear estee lauder pleasures intense perfume ... also pleasures exotic.
7. i hate asshole bosses that think they fucking own their employees, their lives and schedules. fuck that shit~as far as i'm concerned, you're fucking lucky i showed up at all! and if got a date ... or when the clock strikes 'end-of-shift' .... watch me walk out the fucking door. i don't work forced overtime, i'm no one's fucking borg and besides, they abolished slavery long ago. that attitude will not get me rich. however it will keep me sane and balance.
   
8. i am mixed; that means my mother is white and my father is brown. as a kid, i got called brown crayon and hated the colour of my skin. once a lady in the laundromat wouldn't let her kid play with me ... because it was obvious that i was mixed (i.e. more brown-skinned than white-skinned).
   
9. i despise loud noises and crowds of people ... also people that walk around or drive around talking on their cell phones - i recently saw a transit bus driver talking on his cell phone while driving the bus (i was on it - a trolley bus, standing room only, @ rush hour) - like - HELLO??? safety???
   
10. i hate call waiting and being put on hold; if you have call waiting and use it on me, i will hang up on you. that's my policy. oh, i hate the phone and typically won't answer it unless i recognize the number calling.
    

Rules Are:

* each blogger starts with eight - ten random facts/habits about themselves…* people who are tagged need to write posts in their own blog about the tag and post these rules…* at the end of your post, you need to choose people to get tagged and list their names… *

tagging: infinitesimal~c'mon girl! u r good @ this stuff ... chickory/k9~i know u hate these things, but indulge me, ok? ... not sure who else to tag ... so just DO IT, already!

rhetorical questions

1. why do we live in a society that cares more about how sanjaya's wearing his hair this week, or who will win american idol or what will happen to jack bauer next season ... than about how many humans die at the hands of war, waste, and greed all aaround the world?
2. why do we hold in such high esteem fictional characters, like 'house', who execute behaviours and clinical decisions that would surely get him a suspended license (or disciplined/demoted/censured at the very least)? why is an arrogant, rude prick such a tv hero? is that the behaviour we value - the supreme asshole behaviour? when such a show gains such popularity, isn't that what we're telling our kids?
   
3. why does the country that fluff's itself up on the notion that freedom and democracy have made it successful, have such a stupid dictatorial regime at its helm?
4. where are the weapons of mass destruction? (i think they're in the white house and pentagon - and they don't look at all like what y'all thought they would)
5. why is the us coast guard firing live rounds 100 metres away from orca whales and the tour boats observing them?
6. why does fuel cost 1.20 per litre?
7. why are there still people living in new orleans without infrastructure, so long after katrina? how come a war plan can get executed faster than a disaster rebuilding plan? is there a plan? dare i ask?
8. how come so many revolutionary wannabees think helping eradicate poverty involves anything overseas?
9. why is vancouver building a subway line that links vancouver to the airport, when in the pre-olympic era, residents clearly indicated they did NOT want one?
10. why is it that, post-olympic bid, all of a sudden the [so-pathetic-it-has-already-caved-in-once-under-the-weight-of-all-that-construction- equipment] sea to sky highway (the only highway to whistler from here!) gets rebuilt, when residents have been begging for this for years?
11. why must all the summer fashions for women involve baring as much as much skin as possible, or vulgarly displaying as many curves as possible? do i really need to see that black thong - and a hint of its waistband peaking over top of your pants that look like yer mom left 'em in the dryer too long - ya got peaking thru those tacky, too-tight white capri pants of yours? do i need to see that belly ooze out from that crop top the store never shoulda sold ya? pulllleeeeese! someone call the fucking fashion police?
    
12. whatever happened to leaving something to the imagination? like - doncha know that a guy finds it much more intriguing - much sexier - seeing just bared ankles and bared feet, rather than seeing half of an ass cheek hangin' out of a pair of shorts?
    
13. why is pot illegal? when studies have proven, time and again, that its less harmful than either nicotine or alcohol?
14. why has every human out there convinced him or her self s/he needs a cell phone? get over yourselves! what did you do in the 70s, 80s, 90s? before the advent of cell phones?
15. what's the big fuss about organic food anyway? if organic means you only use 'natural' substances in the growing process, such as shit ... to fertilize ... then count me out. i will take my chances with cancer, or whatever weird disease i will get from the chemical fertilizers in the non-organic food that's already out there. why do i have this impression that organic = fast track to e. coli? hmmmm ... perhaps because e. coli's likely in the shit that gets used to 'naturally' fertilize the organic food? hmmm - do i want e. coli? no. NO. if given a choice i would pick chemotherapy and radiation over dialysis ... just a thought. things aren't ever as they seem, are they?
16. when will i hear about the by-law that will ban repressed anger? i have heard about the smoking ban, the trans-fat ban, the plastic bag ban, the ipod ban, even ... well, given that it's the single biggest causative risk factor in every major disease that shortens human life ... shouldn't we pay some mind to our friend repressed anger? or do we like the fact that it exists, because (among other things) all those insane video clips of all the road raging drivers amuse us?
17. why have humans become so fucking lazy and complacent? why do we need drive thru's? why do we need to drive our fucking cars so fucking much? why do we need to destroy everything, consume everything, pluck everything away from itself? will we evolve from that twisted little child-mind that gets off on pulling the wings from living flies? if so, when?
18. what's with reality tv? ain't reality real enough?
19. why do little children think that the white doll - as compared to the black doll - is the nicer doll? does not that disturb any of you? why have we cultivated a information/entertainment media that sends messages of inferiority to ordinary people who don't look like they've spend 50,000 dollars on tanning salons and plastic surgery? why do we expose our children to such messages? why does this generation grow up hating the way it looks?
    
20. how can love grow, in the shadow of self loathing?

any more to add to this list? feel free to add yours in a comment ...

about a doe

a doe~the symbol of the heart itself. messenger of grace and balance. aware, sensitive, full of inspiration. achieves goals through method and not force. eyes radiate purity and innocence. runs swiftly. changes direction often. takes an angular path. dreamy eyes, restless wandering and swift flight. said to die for pure sound - anahata nada. guides in the process of transformation - a white doe will guide you to your realm, in the spiritual sense.



hunted~i live a restless chase. a silver-hearted doe - timid & sensitive creature . i fear brash noises. i see light that others miss. i seek the serenity of solitude. i run toward the light. and away from it. i spend my days and nights prancing among the trees in the forest of dreams. or languishing in the lush thicket, nestled deep in the bowels of the forest of hope. my nemesis, red coyote - frequently makes chase. at times, i play the hunted. at times, the hunter. today, the red coyote hunts me.

and i grow weary of the chase. red coyote. he’s emerged from himself, once more. the game’s afoot. and so, i run. i do not want to run. my survival instinct says i must. i run. and the urgency of survival presses the breath from my lungs at an alarming rate. and i run. and the desperation of the hunt descends. and i run. and the desperation settles, in the same way a sharp twig or stone settles between my toes.

i run. i must outwit red coyote. my legs grow weary. desperation presses against my soul, which feels limp and deflated. i press through thicket and grassy knolls, in escape of red coyote. branches whip against my slender graceful legs, and on more than one occasion, a twig pierces my skin. wounded. weary. and yet i give chase. pride fuels me at this point - i will not relent. and so i run. the game’s afoot. the chase, engaged. red coyote, on the hunt.

i, hunted.



red coyote, provides himself a most formidable foe. relentless - in his hunt for hind. relentless. and i grow weary. fatigue settles upon me, like sticky wet snowflakes and despair beckons.

as i waiver, i feel tendrils of red coyote’s breath stroke my leg.

a wave of frozen warmth surges inside me. i feel red coyote’s sharp teeth pierce the tender skin of my leg. a cell of energy explodes inside me and i flutter away on the wind. i escape. and, it seems … red coyote retreats.

i hunted … i wounded. i know the hunt has not finished. the red coyote lives tonight. i know not why he retreats. nor when he will return. just that he will. and the silver-hearted doe must ready herself. for what lies ahead.

i hunted. will this chase never end?

a wise voice~written in the third person, just because~the doe grew weary and felt weak of spirit and body. her wounded leg throbbed with fatigue.

she wondered, silently, ‘perhaps i will not win this chase?’

at that moment, she felt a tendril of pleasant warmth stroke her leg. and she felt a voice. yes, felt. the words registered on a more visceral level than just auditory. the voice. calm. it spoke to her heart.

it said, ‘my little doe. if only you would stop running. red coyote will disappear. and the chase will dissolve. stop running. embrace the light.’

puzzled, the doe vaguely noticed that she felt revived. that her leg no longer throbbed. she, of course, could not see that her wound began to heal. and that the light of which the voice spoke lived inside her.

she pondered. a wise and gentle voice that sailed into her heart on the march spring breeze. if she stopped running, then what? whatever does one do, but run? the doe pondered a wise voice. and the elusive light.

a couple of cards?

i am working on i have written the first of a series of tarot posts ~ check it here ... also, working on a post on what i shall call 'social porn' ... i have some fancy paper on which to write infini and maydens letters to accompany the tiny treasures which i want to send each of them ... i have to design a SQL Server database for school and also write a test wednesday of next week. oh ... and i somehow hafta get a birthday card to my mum before the 24th of may! ahahahahaha! (that's why there's expedited mail service - for procrastinators like MOI!) and ... no ... i have not forgotten that i owe chickory and trout a letter/treat.

anyway ... here's a couple of cards for you about a couple of cards (ahahahaha! bad joke, i know!) ... there's a nifty tarot test floating around ... here's my results and also martin's. i gotta tell ya, dead on the mark for both of us! hmmmm ... interesting ....?

MY TAROT CARD

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.
The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. In the Mythic deck she carries Narcissus, and wears a white dress, in the background you can see the grain and red poppies of the Mother - all symbolism from the myth of persephone. In Rider Waite deck she holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. Pomegranates - fruit of the dead - appear on the veil behind Her. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluctuation, particularly when it comes to your moods.>

~@#$%^&*~(+-)~@#$%^&*~(+-)

MARTIN'S TAROT CARD

You are the Hanged Man

Self-sacrifice, Sacrifice, Devotion, Bound.
With the Hanged man there is often a sense of fatalism, waiting for something to happen. Or a fear of loss from a situation, rather than gain.

The Hanged Man is perhaps the most fascinating card in the deck. It reflects the story of Odin who offered himself as a sacrifice in order to gain knowledge. Hanging from the world tree, wounded by a spear, given no bread or mead, he hung for nine days. On the last day, he saw on the ground runes that had fallen from the tree, understood their meaning, and, coming down, scooped them up for his own. All knowledge is to be found in these runes.

The Hanged Man, in similar fashion, is a card about suspension, not life or death. It signifies selflessness, sacrifice and prophecy. You make yourself vulnerable and in doing so, gain illumination. You see the world differently, with almost mystical insights.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

the matrix of truth

do you want the red pill, or the blue pill?

like neo, we all must decide this for ourselves. its a lesson in matrix philosphy - the notion that the manner in which one seeks and views the truth colours the lenses through which s/he engages life. this question - about the red and blue pill - asks us about reality, truth and its pursuit. do we blindly accept whats been given us? what's been taught us? or do we want to press beyond ....? despite what we may find there ....?

for humanity its an eternal question.

the blue pill represents the status quo - the pressure to accept the currently held belief of truth, or risk the label renegade and the ensuing ostracism: "... many people are not ready to be unplugged, and many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it.”

the red pill represents pursuit of truth ... at all costs. it symbolizes the cliche: 'be careful what you wish for. you just might get it.' because once s/he beholds truth, one cannot retreat from it. to seek truth does not imply one will uncover reality that one can live with. yet, live with it, one must. therin lies the rub.

indeed, life goes on. its a gift - a breathing, responsive stream of energy that flows independently of our wants and desires and petty frustrations. living = experience + knowledge. existence = experience - knowledge. trinity said to neo, “the Matrix cannot tell you who you are.” so ... that's the question, then. 'who we are' versus the mere 'that we are.' do we feel satisfied sufficiently with the fact of our existence? or ... do we also need meaning to bring light to the painting? only you can answer that. just as only i can answer it.

the stag lives tonight

the problem with republicans?

"i just figured out what the problem is with the american republican party ... the country they wanna run is fictional."

- jon stewart - 16.05.07

one burning questions i have:

why the FUCK does sex hafta sell and/or promote every single fucking thing out there?

wallpaper swatches

the wag-the-dog dawg has moved to the political blog

EDIT: ok. so what i'm about to tell you - it's totally unrelated to the subject of this post. whatever ... just haddda blurt this out, though .... I HAVE OUTDONE MYSELF, yet again! *takes a bow* ... check out my latest template creation ... its amazing what one can do with wallpaper swatches, ain't it?

a vision

a dream.
a vision, really.
presented to me in a dream.

i have had this vision before.
several times.
since early childhood.
each time ... the same vision.
each time, presented contextually differently.
the vision?

everything.

Bathing in Pink Light...
Originally uploaded by papillon666.

a glimpse of everything, everything imagineable .... connected appropriately, making perfect sense. throughout my childhood i had this vision ... it re-occured throughout the various stages of my development ... each time manifesting itself within a contextual backdrop i could assimilate ... comprehend. but each time ... with each vision ... i knew exactly what this glimpse represented. and it filled my soul ... it filled every atomic fibre of my being ... with intense joy.

oh! how i wish i had some sort of cognation camera that could help my very eccentric brain network capture this amazing and rare vision of ... everything! but, alas ... one cannot transport such vital and delicate intelligence of the spirit to the corporeal world. and so ... i have this intuitive, subconscious memory of the vision.

some concrete, contextual highlights from my most recent 'everything' vision ~~

• it started off with software and computers - a context of familiarity and comfort, for me.
  
• my programming instructor appeared in this vision; not in the role of elucidation or pedagogy, but as an accompanying presence.
  
• some entity, of superior light and energy eludicated for us interconnections between all the components of programming and web development that i currently have involved myself in learning and continue to learn.
  
• the connections ... the conceptual connections looked so neat and tidy ... like in a programmer's relationship diagram - you know the kind you make in SQL Server 2000 database management software? well, if you're not a hard core geek like me, then see the image below.
  

• ok ... the vision ...
  
• then ... the relationship diagram expanded ... in scope, in size ... more variables, more objects of life added, to eventually include ... everything. everything. all interconnected. all of life, existence, the universe ... it all made sense. [how does one describe such a vision? simply, dear reader, its impossible. forgive my paltry effort here.]
  
• i recall thinking thoughts and feeling reactory feelings that i can only translate into vibrant colours, vivid images burnt into my memory. imagine the pleasure you derived from seeing an exquisite visual image - some art, a photograph, or a naked-eye view of a natural landscape. [imagine how your best efforts would defy communicating the vision's true beauty and depth. and there you have my dilemma, dear reader.]
  
• for those familiar with data typing ... translating what the vision gave me into the corporeal and finite plane of conceptualization -- its like taking a large data type and reducing to one which holds less data. or ... simply put ... imagine trying to stuff your 35-inch TV into a ring box. that's what it feels like.
  

and so have you my vision of 'everything.'
thoughts anyone?
or perhaps someone out there has had similar visions?
please ... do speak up!

death just is

nothing can prepare us for death ... even waiting for death - imminently waiting for death - can never prepare us for the moment of its arrival. any more than waiting for birth prepares us for the arrival of the child.

we need not view death as the flip side of life ... as an entity or state that requires conquering, remedying, or fixing in any way. any more than the wolf's wildness requires remedying.

i do not think of death in terms of proportions - i.e. vastness. its an absolute concept. death -- just IS. period. i view death with the same awe as i view the wildness of an animal.

indeed, a corpse has little resemblance to the entity who animated that corpse. one's spirit - its what makes one look like onself, in a way.

death ... contains life. for, without death ~ how much value would we attach to existence, to time, to vibrance?

from the moment of birth, we begin to die. death IS -- each and every nanosecond ... it never begins ... it never ends ... it just IS.

truth - there's the transient.

enigmatic? the human psyche

[~inspired by an email i wrote recently to a dear friend, currently suffering @ the hands of that dark shadows that crosses spirits - depression~]

... about the beast within ...

each of us resides in special, certain part of ourselves ... some of us live in our heads ... some, live in our guts ... and so, those of us that have this beast .... share that space with said beast. as for 'subtle genetic make-up that adversely affects behaviour/personality ...' i do think that we - i.e. our current human society/species - have little or no understanding of the human psyche ... society speaks of psychiatric imbalance as purely a physiologic phenomenon. i, however, (having had lifelong exposure to said psychiatric imbalance) choose to see it less definitively. i see it also as a spiritual phenomenon ... those of us frail of psyche, prone to channelling the despairs that surround us, etc ... i think we have special sensing capabilities that other humans do not yet recognize ... call me crazy if you like ... but i cannot view any psychiatric illness entirely devoid of considering one's spirit ... one's soul.

i believe environmental manipulation - i.e. engaging in some spiritual ritual (in the case of johnny cash, this would mean appealing to his god in prayer, etc etc) - has proven helpful for some. and perhaps this reinforces my view of psychiatric imbalance as having partially spiritual origins. ... can the spirit/soul and the channels that it finds itself 'surfing' - can such activity manifest itself in brain chemistry activity? no doubt - i believe that's how our primitive medical community attempts to understand the psyche.

i see illicit drug use as intimately intertwined with this phenomenon - as in so many, many humans see and feel the need to self medicate. everyone does, somehow - through pursuit of power ... trifling, shiny and completely unnecessary material goods ... speed ... or just plain old trying to get as 'high' (i.e. 'stoned') as possible - comfortably numb, as the band Pink Floyd called it. we all have heard of that movie The Matrix. i believe its a wonderful, gothic-ly surreal (in a modern way) metaphoric interpretation of humanity and perception. in particular the choice Neo must make to take the blue pill or the red pill. does this not constitute the choice one's spirit makes regarding perception of one's world? one's truth?

... about the concept we call masochism ....
and ... that nebulous concept called 'balance,' or sanity ...

i wonder about myself sometimes. in a subtle way, though. like ... in the times when the shadow of darkness falls upon my spirit ... the feeling of despair reminds me i feel anything at all. and sometimes the purging sensation that courses through my very wise blood feels oh-so-much sweeter than does that often numbing sensation of 'happiness.' does that constitute masochism? or ... could one man's sorrow become another man's joy? and who decides ....? how can anyone determine whether any of us have psychiatric balance ...? considering our Selves all reside @ different calibration points (and in different parts of our own biologic microcosm) - what makes one one individual, with several years of university, qualified to judge something so raw ... so mystical ... so enigmatic? just thinking out loud, here.

martin has old, old scars along his arms from his youth/early adulthood - when he used to press the glowing tip of the cigarette against his skin ... just to feel something. masochistic, perhaps? to appeal to physical pain in order to dull that gnawing, aching, searing wound that makes one's spirit throb? i have had analogous experiences ... albeit with food/appetite ... in times of deepest depression ... it strangely, sickly lifts my spirit ... to feel the physical sensation of hunger. it gives my Self a physical focus ... draws it away from that which lies inside. does this constitute masochism? who's to judge?

about a girl

taken by 'mon petit loup' in jasper national park ... just outside the town of jasper, on the side of the highway. kewl, huh? yes ... he risked almost getting charged by this lovely aminal just to get these great shots. the music is "Tall Cotton" by Count Basie (what other, more appropriate musik could i set to this slideshow?)

i think she's totally cute ... sorta reminds me of a llama ... and ... YUP ... you guessed it - I WANT ONE. i want my very own elk. hey - i could promote her as the environmentally friendly way to lawn care ... think it would work? i mean, ya think any of the neighbours would buy my story? lol ... ok. likely not. or maybe i could ride her to work? do you think elks like to be saddled up? haha! ok ... probably not. but ... i still want her for a pet ... i suppose i'd settle for a mini schnauzer, though ... or maybe just a few more houseplants, for now.

in other news ... i'm 10 days' clean. i often feel as johnny cash described himself ... The Beast in Me ... alas ... the frail and fragile bars have held so far. the smell of everything (particularly food) makes me wanna barf ... and i can only eat spicy ginger beef without feeling completely icky. i think this will pass. (i cannot imagine how horrid it must feel like to kick a heroine habit ... honestly.)

we planted some tomatoes and hot peppers and geraniums in our l'il garden patch ... bought some houseplants ... and - most important of all - 'mon petit loup' returned himself to me. no woman could feel happier. i am TIRED, though - gettin' a l'il too old to cognate productively on 4 hours of sleep!

wishing you all a great, productive week.

a breathtaking dance

... for chickory - a kindred spirit ...



[pssst FYI - the music is 'mummer's dance' by loreena mckennitt, who happens to originally come from morden, manitoba - a small menonnite town just an hour or two from my hometown]

pssssssst - if you go to the original youtube page and view this in full screen, you will see the complete magic of this clip. enjoy it ...!

irrelevant, rhetorical, cynical questions

things i just wonder today ...

1. re: queen of the north sinking

finally ... after alot of sitting on their thumbs and rotating ... bc ferries has done what's long overdue - fired the asses of the three crew members in charge of the deck when said ferry slammed into gill island @ full speed and sunk, killing 2 people. what took so long ... ? bureaucrats justifying their pathetic existence, no doubt.

still ... despite the fact that 2 peopled died when this ferry sank a little over a year ago ... the public has yet to find out the full truth of what exactly happened. 3 crew members - one wonders WTF could've distracted them so much that they let a fucking ferry slam into an island. hmmmm - i'm just hypothesizing here ... but two male and one female crew member(s) ... geeee I WONDER what they could've possibly been doing!?? (hint - rhymes with duck, perhaps? just guessing ... since no one who knows wants to talk ... guess 'josephine public' just gotta make up her own theory, right?)

2. re: shane doan

why do federal bloc quebecois politicians - ie the bloc is that political party that only runs candidates in quebec and established itself on a separatist platform - give a shit who the fuck represents canada @ the world hockey championships? like - did i miss the memo that came out, saying nationalism's a fucking grand standing tool we can use to gain political points? since when do the separatists give a shit about canada? ha ... i scoff.

3. re: the vancouver canucks finish the season

duh! did anyone out there think that luongo - truly a stellar goalie - could win the fucking series all by himself? like - 56 saves later ... c'mon guys - as don cherry said once - 'don't forget to give those skates back to your sister, kid.'

4. re: 7,000 cruise ship tourists disembark from 4 cruise ships in downtown vancouver @ THE SAME TIME and they're pissed off they can't get cabs.

WTF?? could any city meet such a demand? gimme a break. and while we're on the topic - who the fuck planned this? 4 cruise ships all docking @ the same time? get real. and yeah ... locals can't even get cabs (many cabbies ILLEGALLY refuse to take locals from downtown to the suburbs late @ night, leaving them stranded), so why should we feel for those 7,000 tourists who are pissed they waited 2 hours for a fucking cab?

oh ... so does this make vancouver a world class city now? does this mean we're ready for the 2010 olympics? hahahahahaha! i laugh. as a lowly, buspass-holding, walking, i-don't-own-a-car and i-don't-take-cabs vancouverite ... i laugh.

i cynically am waiting for 'cash-strapped' translink to magically come up with $ to make the skytrain (i.e. subway) a 24 hour service - just in time for the olympics. FUCK THE OLYMPICS!

now ... if only we could find a bus or some large freight hauler to move all those unsightly homeless people and street junkies to mission or some other quiet, outtatheway place so's the VERY IMPORTANT olympic crowd won't hafta see the third world that's rapidly developing in vancouver ... hmmmm.

5. so ... does giving up pot make me healthier?

i have traded in my rolling papers and pot grinder for a package of cyanide sticks (i.e. cigarettes). does this make me a 'better' person? apparently. does it make me healthier. well, who knows ... considering the science says that pot is less harmful than both ETOH and nicotine. and more addictive. hmmmph.

[don't get me wrong ... i'm glad to be off the stuff ... just - appreciating the irony of the whole situation].

6. do i give a shit that paris hilton's going to jail? am i supposed to? why is that newsworthy?

7. re: kim basinger and pamela bach

why, oh why, are ex wives such BITCHES? get a clue girls ... and get the fuck over yourselves! and stop using your kids like some fucking pawns in a chess game. that just makes you pathetic and sad.

8. why does anyone think 12 degrees and sunny = shorts and flip flips weather? i mean, really?

9. why is there $ for the provincial politicians to get a 29% pay raise ... and there's no money for things like, oh, say - affordable housing, addictions programs, health care ...? just wondering how that accounting works. did i miss the math lesson?

ok. i think that's it. that' s what i wonder.

@ this moment ...

i FEEL the light ...
perhaps
- oh, just perhaps -
it means i'm emerging
from this darkness?

i'm ok.
i got thru
the hell of hades
... so i feel - today ...
[each day belongs to itself]

how'd i get there?
not sure -
my own, innate mood aberration?
sudden withdrawl?
(yes - i have quit ... my body is sick ... but my mind - its well, and sharp)
menses?

relationship stress?

OMFG
i can hardly believe its thursday
i've lost 2 days to my demons

and now ...
i'm dancing just as fast as i can
to complete a 45 hour course
in 20 hours!

*whew*

i have felt like this for days ...

pssst - if you're one of those carebears
that only wants to live in the 'feel good' moments -
then your post is two posts back - sea otters holding hands.

enter this post @ your own risk.

alone. alone. alone.
melting into the darkness.
GONE. GONE. GONE.
we have all GONE.
well ... no matter.
i have GONE. but, still -
i'm here. besides,
stuffed animals make
far better companions anyhow.
and so do street people -
even though they're only nice
because they want something.
... at least they're honest!
that's more than i can say for others.
human beings -
they're highly overrated anyhow.
they simply lie and patronize
far too much for my liking.
morality and rationality -
they're just costumes we wear.
ultimately everyone acts
in their own self interest.
g-d is a tool of our trade -
self-service.
only the very weakest seem so very strong.
no one will close his eyes for you.
no one will close his heart for you.
no one will open his heart for you.
no one will save his heart for you.
no one will protect and defend you.
no one will pick you up when you fall,
but many will trample you, without a second thought
no one will ever open a door for you
but many will want to slam it -
and catch your heart in the doorjamb
there are no lovers, or friends, or partners
community exists only in one's dreams
promises mean little more than
the dust from which we emerged.
happiness - the exception, not the rule.
pain - the currency of life.
go lightly from this ledge
leave @ your own chosen speed.
nothing in here moves -
everything - just made of stone.
festering madness will eat me alive,
reduce me to a few meaningless shards of glass
sharp - jagged - shattered.
melting into nothingness
a beam of light --
swallowed into a cell of darkness.

i give up today. i feel sorrow-filled.
disconnected. i want to disengage.
from everything.
i cannot. i will not.
but -- i dearly, dearly WANT to.
that makes me weak, i suppose.
or --
perhaps too honest for the living?

if you want feel good, see previous post

otherwise ... take a look. take a good look. its real. its not a political statement -- just ... the best thing i could find to express what i feel like inside.