Saturday, September 30, 2006

i saw you: about my 2nd son

Saturday, September 30, 2006
i saw you today. and my heart impaled itself on the searing, serrated tip of my own guilt. guilt over you. and, tendrils of shame stroked my raw and bleeding soul. shame. the shame of a fallen angel. shame. self loathing. it beats down on my chest. sucks the oxygen from the my lungs. whips the serenity out of my heart. pierces the tiniest capillaries of hope and light that nurture my ugly self. shattered light. and leaking darkness. leaking. darkness.

i saw you today. from afar. oh, distant fruit of mine. i felt you there. sitting. crouched. on the front steps. shielding yourself from the world outside your head. from the invasion of sensory information you do not have the capacity to filter. i touched that place in my chest where you used to lay your head. and i felt a stirring. my body remembers you, my child. and aches for what could have been. for what should have been.

i saw you today. i knew instantly. even before my brain took awareness from my senses. i felt you. in that part of my heart and soul which i've locked away. locked away from myself. that part of my heart and soul that got crumpled and torn on that day we gave you away. crumpled and torn - i'm crumpled and torn. and you, my damaged child. you hold such beauty and light in your essence. such beauty for which i do not feel worthy.

i saw you today. you did not see me. i glimpsed you from afar. your special, glimmering light cast a shadow on my dark heart. godspeed my child. godspeed. i wish for you much love. love that's as fierce and abundant as this aching darkness in my chest.

image originally uploaded by demagistris

a note to my readers - this is the sort of stuff that i need to write. that i have longed to write for so long. that i have feared to write at the old blog, for fear of cruel or snarky judgement from the self righteous few who feel obliged to judge anything that does not reflect their small window on the world. thank you, if you have read this, for witnessing this darkest part of my humanity. i feel like if its on the page, its not inside, infecting me.


WistfulWench said...

My heart is aching from the sadness and pain in your posting.

There is nothing I can say or do but offer my hand for you to hold and a hug when you need it.

Behind Blue Eyes said...

If I'm getting it right, you are talking about the greatest fear of a parent. I don't know if I could stand it if something happened to one of my kids. They would probably have to medicate me for years, maybe until I died too.

mantissa said...

wistful - thanx for your kind words. and thanx for reading.

blue eyes - i hear you. the thing that's worse than loss of a child thru death is loss while they remain alive. ie ... giving it up because you are unable to meet their needs while still meeting your own. thanx for reading this.

skinnylittlesister said...

Words can't even begin to touch the significance of this post. Profound, true, compelling, raw, honest & with the deepest love.
I come from a family of gathered souls. My brother is my brother & we share the same parents, as my neice is my neice & my cousins are my cousins, my sisters are my sisters...but we are not all of the same blood type, do not come from the same gene pool.
What you did was the biggest & hardest & most unselfish choice ever betewn upon a mother. I admire you choice & respect your reasons...they are validated by the fact that you loved this son more than were willing to give him up to allow him the opportunity that you knew you could not, at that time & in that place, provide. You took a gamble, knowing that you would lose him & knowing that it was his chance to make it.
I ache for your pains & hope that you can find comfort in what you did see... his face, his skin, his hair, the light in his eyes, the gait in his walk, the spirit of life within him... you allowed for all of that.
You are a beautiful person.
If it weren't for love like yours, I would not have the family I have today.
((thank you))

mantissa said...

skinny - thanx for your kinds words. gathered souls. i very much love that term.

thanx for reading.

Justgivemepeace said...

oh. I hope I can find words big enough. How many times I have seen brown eyes bowing into the hood of my stroller, uttering the casual words of a passerby, but the lovelooks of a mother, at my beautiful child... the haunted brown eyes at the mall flitting out of the corner of a thoughtful face, a Mother's face, as my daughter tried on Prom dresses,....the searching brown eyes from the beach, football games, the wind, the music, the night. I know she is out there and I ache for her, for the love that must have ripped her apart to place her child, my precious child, in my arms. God bless you. I see you everywhere.

As our sister, Kimbies, said..."Gather them, for they are flowers"...Our life, our family, our WORLD....blessed by the grace of God, and the braveness of The Mothers of our Children.

Thank you for sharing all that you are...absolutely beautiful, heartfilled, thoughts.

mantissa said...

a lovely sentiment ... many thanx ... :D

skinnylittlesister said...

You move me.
I posted a blog last night ... inspired by thoughts of you & your writings, me & my life.
Thank you...

mantissa said...

skinny - thanx thanx thanx for your kind words. i had planned to check your blog out ... i will get there!

here is a link of someone who inspired me to begin writing like this ... i don't think she's written in a while, but all the same check her blog out - it will move you, its that good.