Wednesday, September 27, 2006

naked beginnings

Wednesday, September 27, 2006
welcome, me, to myself. i had a blog. the blog had followers. it seemed nice. only, i forgot somewhere along the way that the followers belonged to the blog. and not to me. egos seem steely and savage, even, when faced with the piquish sensation of external scrutiny. but when subjected to the sudden impact of rejection's brute force? egos shatter. into miniscule shards of seething loneliness. and these shards crumble. into nothingness. the nothingness of me.

and then followers bandy words like 'friend' about. it starts to feel exhilarating. and frightening. 'friend.' that's a threatening word. because it rarely lives up to itself. sort of like santa claus and the tooth fairy. and that god concept. does anyone really know 'friend' ... i mean, really? i wonder, y'know? and so ... the followers encroach. encroach. and it feels good. and it feels hurtful. and it puts me in a box. in a way. as followers seek to define me. label me. judge my moral certitude. while completely ignoring the message embedded in my carefully crafted posts.

ignore. ignore my message. ignore. ignore what i say. and then judge how i say it. ignore. and leave me feeling so desperately, nakedly invisible. ignore my message. and plump droplets of despair crash into my heart. with such a force of anguish. stunning anguish. it travels the circuitry of my bruised heart like some posionous spark. and the spark. its intensity grows as my body absorbs it. swallows it. dissolves it. my spirit feels dirty ... ugly ... infected. stained. in comparison. to yours. i feel. the old stains. mine. rising. to the surface. of my emotions. and, in that radiant shaft of glinting sunlight, i behold. myself. boldly. i behold myself.

myself. alone. alive. aberrant. a blinding helix of inherent instability. breathtaking to behold. noxious to inhale. corrosive to touch. myself. so many times crumpled up and tossed away. now, flinching from touch. refusing to surrender self. to trusting. anything. or anyone. cold to, but longing for, connection. some sort of outside connection. struggling to demystify this deep-seated need to belong. belonging drowns me. traps me. defines me. strangles me. rejects me. belonging rejects me. me - reject.

if i belong then i am vulnerable. if i belong i have surrendered my trust. bared the softest portion of my soul. to such undeserving creatures - homosapiens. i know you smell the weakness there. the blood, which boils and shrinks simultaneously around its lesions and disfiguring bruises. you smell it. you feel it. you taste it, as sheets of my hyperbolic anguish sweep across the battered pages of my soul. i know you. like all the rest. homosapien. just lusting for the blood of another weak soul. my soul. raped. by rejection.

image originally uploaded by melanie photo art


Lady Dame said...

cool, got the message.
still using beta blogger?
delivered sushi on the way.

I almost want to follow in your footsteps, cause now I have reaers that i don't know?

I have 3 other blogs.
but nothing really is on them or i would tell you where they are, and they are mostly all blocked... just for me blogs, but i dunno... it's getting kinda stuffy over at my other blog....

BUT HEY! are you thinking you might come thru my town on your way? Not sure if you right above me or not, but how cool would that be? We could eat delivered sushi together!

I feel ya on the need to ditch the vocation, I had a similar awakening when I went back to school over working... I had major OCD and panic attacks before work.

I just wanted to drop a note here.
will catch up AFTER MY BIG DATE TOMORROW!!!!!!

He is super cute and oh so precocious, and in a cool band.

WHoo Hoo!!

love, me

mantissa said...

wow ... you came so fast. sorry you had to see the blog when it was ugly. well, next time you come back it will be looking purdy-er!

know what you mean about the readers you don't want. i find the whole atmosphere stuffy/oppressive and have for a little while now. its gotten so nauseating ...

oh yes! one day we will have to meet up. yes yes. but ... i'm about to move further away from you - to the west coast. oh ... but it will happen. we will meet!

glad you found me. hugz to you.

have a great DATE!