on the bus - written 05.01.2007

no nihilistic thoughts this evening.
no sadness. no despair.
nothing, really.

i worked this evening.
it was good.
i like that i'm SANS
that heavy feeling
of incompetence i had
with nursing
toward the end.
this job does NOT
require me to
play tennis under water
while juggling with explosives.
that's a good thing.

i sometimes feel lonely.
i always feel like an amputee.
mostly i just think every moment
i pass
brings me closer
to seeing martin again.

mostly i also realize
the true solitude
of existing.
and the way
friends seem like
wet rice paper
when life really gets
shitty.
mostly i also realize
how truly fortunate
and blessed i am
for every little thing i have
for motherhood,
for wifehood,
for womanhood
for courage
for strength
for honesty and guts
enought to speak my mind
here, in my space.
i could tailor my message
to make my readers
(ha - like i have any of those left?)
more comfortable ...
but - why should i?
remember -
i am not a newspaper.
i just am.