The Chrysalis

The transformation from caterpillar though to the chrysalis and emergence as a butterfly represents the greatest metamorphosis in the animal world. In particular, the chrysalis has come to symbolize change ~ of the spiritually visceral kind, the sort of change that prompts the individual retreat into herself. When I think of chrysalis, I think of the trinity of experiences that, together, make up life: desire, loss, regeneration.

So .... what is chrysalis? 1. a soul trapped inside in a body. 2. an enchanted chamber where an amazing transformation will occur. 3. a protective covering ~ a refuge ~ for the changeling. 4. a symbol for metamorphosis which occurs from the inside, out. Inside the hard, golden-coloured shell of chrysalis the organism has dissolved itself into fluid. Final emergence from the silent, fluid-filled solitude breaks the chrysalis from inside. The metamorphosed individual bares herself to the world.

I feel like that soul, trapped inside that brittle husk of a body. At present, it feels nothing like an enchanted chamber ... but in my heart, I know an amazing transformation lies around the corner. And, that brittle shell, protective? Yes, most of the time it feels like a refuge. Other times it feels more like an incarceration. A painful change has seeded itself inside me ... inside of the Pilot. It's called growth. Growing hurts .... oh so much. I wonder if it distresses the caterpillar to liquify and then transform into a winged creature. Its a sort of birth, isn't it?

another post: here ~ a letter to the pilot

20 days left inside this chrysalis.

ch-ch-ch-chANges

Notice: This blog has had a change of heart. It's evolved from some sort of personal diary to a sort of travel and moving diary. Like, a diary about my surroundings. Yeah, like that.




Okay. So, I'm moving. Like, I know I said I wasn't going to move anymore for awhile, but, well, I'm moving across the Atlantic. Yeah, to the UK. No kidding. I leave in just under 3 weeks. I can hardly wait. Now, I'm in the purging phase ~ purging of all the stuff I really do not need to bring along. And just making sure that all my ducks are lined up. Passport ~ December 28th. Luggage ~ yup. In fact, I got a set of luggage (almost brand new, used maybe once) ~ like 5 pieces ~ for $12. HAHA. That's so low, its hilarious. Cool.

Now that I am thinking more of the European societal culture, I am quickly tiring of the culture of Vancouver. It's tiresome. A sort of world unto itself. We should coin a term ~ "Vancouverism" ... to describe the apathetic and zombie-like behaviour of the large majority of Vancouverites. And to describe the absolute bullshit that Vancouverites tolerate ... the corner of Hastings of Main, for instance. And the way that, from the time one leaves one's home, its virtually impossible to avoid being panhandled and/or bullied or harrassed for money, a cigarette or whatever by some homeless junkie. A most popular retort here, in Vancouver? "Whatever."

You see? Precisely my point.

Whatever. [Not.]

silver harbour - pt 2

SILVER HARBOUR – pt 2 (for pt 1 - see february 26th, 2007 post)

NB - the following post discusses a place we moved to a few years back.

noticeably absent from the landscape? starbucks, blenz, and the rest of the frou-frou coffee shops on every city block. city blocks. concrete phallic symbols – aka skyscrapers. construction cranes dotting the horizon. and … oh, the horizon! one which you could see for miles and miles. open to the possibilities that one could make for oneself. a lonely, empty horizon, beckoning new life. silence abounded. everywhere. it seemed i’d rode into a cell of still life. nothing. remote. noticeably absent from the landscape? retail enterprises within walking distance. and all the beautiful, shiny, happy people. you know? the ones that like containment … of life. the ones that tell us to stuff our raw, delicate emotions into rubbermaid containers, where we can no longer see or feel them. well – i could see no shiny happy people in the vicinity. wysiwyg. i had entered wysiwyg land.

i failed to notice how alone, insignificant and powerless life still left me feeling, as i marvelled at the wonders of wysiwyg - remote rural life. did i embrace this life change as fully as i believed? perhaps … perhaps … i only embraced it as an escape from the status quo. the one i believed i left behind in vancouver. however … one must often learn the hard way – status quo = oneself. status quo cannot fall away from oneself through a mere change of scenery. status quo can only fall away with an intense bout of molting. as in … a giant snake molting its skin. life still felt like something happening to me … as opposed to ME, happening to IT.

i marvelled. at the silent simplicity of each day, as its petals unfurled. i marvelled. at the silent, steady and constant resolve of the people who dotted the landscape. i marvelled. at the gentle wisdom of the does and the stags, the elk and the coyotes … who shared their quarters with us humans, in this place. i wondered …. what words lay on the mouth of lake winnipeg, whom I could hear, sighing ceasely, from the tiny cabin we would call home for the next year?

hummingbirds fluttered ceasely, like the beating of my unsettled heart, right outside my lving room window. the matrix of nature – in its purest form – weaving itself masterfully, before my wonderous, weary and sad eyes. the icey breath of old man winter brought desolation, utter paralysis - a chilling silence, as the sighs of my friend, the lake, grew silent. silence – a flawless reflector. of oneself. it strips a soul. leaving it naked, defenseless against the elements. and so – i stood. naked. shivering in the wind. shuddering at my petty insignificance. for all the world to see.

i wonder …. what did i see there, in my SELF?

on the cusp of change?

[written yesterday]

i feel some strangeness seeping into me. like - the strangeness of change. i watched oprah yesterday [wednesday]. she had the dinner of a lifetime for sydney poitier and 7 guests. a touching event. frought with emotional and spiritual intensity. i am feeling this .... thing in me ... this thing that senses what others do not ... that senses what, physically cannot be senses. it grows ever stronger. the tears of another -- quickly become mine.



when i spend these tiny periods of solitude, i discover little bits of myself. like ... why people intimidate me so. being around them ... i find so overwhelming. i feel every molecule ... every electrical impulse from every cell. i feel their very essence and core. i am beginning to feel as though nursing denuded my soul by causing this .... sensory thing that lives inside me .... to explode exponentially inside me.

this thing ... its so very underdeveloped and immature. the feelings that manifest themselves in my sensing ... they get tangled up .... imagine a large, matted clump of hair. and for those of us with a long, wild mane, imagine how painfully slow, delicate and difficult de-matting this clump becomes ... as it grows.



i must read about the emperors in antarctica.

i cannot focus. maybe the emperors will help

waiting psyches - no pics

ugh! i hate 'em. all those waiting minds. just ... waiting. with varying leves of emotion. yeah. well, that's what i get for going downtown right in the midst of the santa clause parade and grey cup sunday (when BC is vying for the grey cup!). a sea of people lined the streets. a sea of waiting people. with waiting children. for my poor, battered and oh so tired psyche, it felt all too much to bear. i just wanted to cry. could i just go somewhere ... ? anywhere .... ? where i didn't hafta feel the overwhelming presence of OTHERS!??

i need to schedule a visit to the beach sometime soon. i have yet to make my way to the west side of downtown van, where the beaches wait for me. i need to get there. i also need to get a friggin job. i hate this constant starting over i seem to do every few years. why why why do i possess such a restless spirit? it sometimes feels as though all this material bullshit we need to survive in the world ... it feels as though all that shit shackles my spirit. y'know? it feels that way. stuff, money and stuff acquisition make this world so unpleasant and hostile. GREED. it just sucks. for everyone. even those who happen to HAVE.

its funny, this city. you have gastown - a great oldish sorta section of the downtown that one could think of as the 'old town.' quaint. touristy. (read: rip-off prices at all the little shops there). middle and high class, for sure. and then, one only need cross cordova and voila. presto chango - one finds oneself in the slummy part of downtown. just like that. sort of like our very own platform 9 and three-quarters. cool, huh? NOT.

i can barely believe i am taking all this so well. by all this i mean being here, while M. is not. its exhausting, in a way. you never really realize how it works, when you marry someone and are with them for many years. you never really realize the way in which the two spirits sort of feef from each other. and now ... distance and two time zones separate us. and it feels .... wierd. i feel like part of my SELF has gotten amputated. honestly.

and several days have passed since i have had a really stimulated, reciprocal, intellectual conversation with another human. i have also felt sort of ... afraid of connecting to the world at large via the internet sometimes. just ... because ... well, my pysche's energy reserves feel desperately low. and to connect myself to the world at large like this ... well ... i don't feel the same intense compulsion i did before arriving in vancouver. wierd. well, not really. adjustments take energy. it just about sucking the life fore outta me. and ... also the very real possibility that M and i will not see each other until 2007. YIKES. i hate that thought. my birthday ... winter solstice ... our anniversary ... all may pass without me being able to even touch him - my M.

i dread the thought.

that's all.

sorry - no pics because this fucking shitty wireless network i'm on is FUCKING SLOW! UGH!

sucked under

that's how i feel, these days. just sucked dry, like the husks of those shrimp tails from which one sucks the flesh. a husk. dessicated. passion. momentum just sucked from my essence. and i don't know where it went. and i wonder how long it took me to notice it missing.

i feel as though i have awoken from a very lengthy period of anesthetized slumber. wierd. trippy. i remember feeling this way sometimes as a child - sort of a restless, listless dessicated psychic sensation. and mum would tell me 'that's a growth spurt.' i'm guessing that's what this is - some sort of growth spurt.

a molting - like a serpent shedding its skin. molting - an intensive, metabolic process. i will refer to the serpent analogy, then, since its quite fitting here. the serpent retreats - becomes reclusive - into a sort of nesting phase for this metamorphosis. once the serpent has cast off the old skin, he's renewed, refreshed and ready to tackle his world once more.

of course, it goes without saying that the serpent and the world into which he re-emerges have changed since their previous interaction with one another. and so it goes. the dynamism of life. juxtaposed with the inertia of metapmorphosis. that's the space i find myself within these days.

so ... forgive me, all of you out there, if i just fall away from following your blogs for awhile. its just that i haven't the energy ... the psychic energy to interact in any meaningful way. in fact, this oppressive inertia has blocked me even from writing since the weekend. i've had spurts of inspiration. just tiny spurts. ideas. with no spark in me strong enough to nourish the idea into a blog post. do i rambling? ehh gads. i feel it.

ok. so ... i'm molting. or struggling to stay afloat. or retreating. for a bit. i'll come to my blog world to write ... write ... write. but i can't think beyond that for now. not just now.


image originally uploaded by shutrbugr.

emergence

we emerged from the dimly lit chambers of our souls today, he and i. our solitary, dimly lit soul chambers. where we had entombed ourselves in ourselves. a primordial retreat?

a sudden change of life's navigation path tends to suck one dry, so to speak, of essence. of strength. of momentum. change wildly casts its shadow. and each time i look, its slightly different. engrossing. frightening.

i told him in my way that i felt deserted yesterday. that, in my search for his reassuring wisdom yesterday, i felt sort of dashed away into the uncertainty void. yesterday, i silently floundered in my doubt. perception governs action. funny, that. and i felt ... unsure. un-valid. frightened, gawping out at the massive swelling sea of possibility that lies before me. and i felt a fleeting pinch of sadness, for relinquishing a noble vocation.

today the sun rose. we emerged from our searing solitude. we converged. my soul sighed in contentment when i felt him wrap his gentle and reassuring wisdom around me. and his eyes, once again, sparkle with hope and happiness. and positive energy burgeons. our cup, it brims over with love, light, hope and strength to forge ahead.

i have my one-way ticket in hand.


images originally uploaded by dleroy and cwhatuc

crushed creation

crushed. how i felt. this afternoon on the bus. on my way to see my drug dealer. and watching the humans around me, swirling like lemmings on a fly wheel. the feelings slid from my heart and sat in the pit of my stomach like a rotten meal.

crushed, i felt. and sick with sadness. thinking to self 'no lonelier have i felt in this adulthood than right now.' thinking to self 'now what?' pondering recent losses. the loss of truth. the loss of community. the loss of vocation. loss of dearest canine friend imaginable. does that spell the loss of purpose? for, i still ask myself, 'now what?' and, my psyche's teeming with questions and postulations and pondering the potential.

a swirling mass of unstable isotopes dancing in my head. and ... no one with which to reflect to reflect upon this confused tangle of life. but me. and, sometimes it just isn't enough. and, the love of my life? well, he's gone awol. gone awol into his cases of beer. gone awol into his hang over. gone awol into his hours of deep snoring slumber. hours. spent alone. with myself. and ... no one. why? how? how can a soul so deeply attached and committed to another feel such utter desolation?

the cusp of change. its barbed. and it hurts. and we're there - me and him. i feel it. i see it. its all around us. each moment burgeons with the future's possibilities. stunning. plethoric. unfathomably mammoth. like ... standing at the edge of the solar system. our solar system. looking into the blinding light of darkness. the blinding light of unknown. what lies ahead.

what lies ahead?

image originally uploaded by theronin