~a letter from india~

i received a letter from india late last week. its lovely and lengthy - just the way i like to receive a letter from a friend. this week's a crusher for me: quarter-point (of my studies) evaluation - a la major, mutherfriggin project! no kidding, the higher order thinking required to complete this by the deadline exhausts me. so - here to entertain you while i fuss with my school stuff - my friend, Anupam (an excerpt from his letter):

"Explosive growth of population, rapid industrialisation, and urbanisation. mindless annihilation of flora and foliage, pushing other species of life to the brinks of extinction -- where shall we stop? Perhaps not until we've ensured the demise of civilisation. Roxx, at times i feel that the modern epidemics like AIDS are cures from nature - her own way of counter-balancing population explosion. Science, perhaps, has given us knowledge, but took away wisdom. As a species we have gone insane, tirelessly running after material pleasure. i am not saying that spiritualism is the panacea to all our maladies. But to marginalise philosphy and humanities as disciplines in our pursuit to attain technological excellence will prove too costly."

i will let y'all chew on that one ... while i flutter and fuss. lemme know what ya think, @ least!

i thank y'all for your comments. i will address them all friday evening, when i can breathe again.

~EDIT: WHEW! first assignment - its done! i am takin a break now!

just posted some surrealish-weird pics here - so CHECK IT!

i will be back later ...~

dear Sara ~ letter to a nursing student

i'm a nurse. er -- was a nurse. i struggled long and hard with the many many stressors and burdens one takes on when one undertakes to become a nurse.

and in the midst of it all i found that this ... this is not for me. and for so many i have met. many an bright and shining light has walked thru the doors into nursing school only to find themselves so disillusioned and despaired by all the suffering and the huge burden of responsibility.

it is staggering, sara. staggering. you likely felt an inkling of this as you endured jjs illness and treatments along side him. but ... there is nothing like having the power to take someone's life your grasp. i mean - if a nurse makes a mistake it could mean a life lost. that is such a burden to bear, and one for which school does not prepare you.

also staggering is the soul crushing sorrow, and pain that nurses witness. but ... i'm not saying all this to scare you. just to give you a glimpse of what practice is like for a nurse. once you've witnessed the suffering, and death of a human you are never the same.

its the most privileged and awstruck i have ever felt. and i wish it for you. and i wish for you all the strength of spirit and heart and soul and pysche you will need to continue your journey into nursing.

and most of all, sara, i wish for you a steely strength of your convictions. you will meet darkness and see things that disturb you. remember always that a nurse's duty lies with her patient's well being first and foremost. and that is sometimes hardest of all.

good luck as you walk this journey. its is most rewarding and most sorrow-filled at the same time.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

letter to an estranged friend

that's what i think happened to us, tho ... on deeper reflection, perhaps we never really stood together at all. we have nothing in common. we stand on opposite sides of the street, and we're headed in opposite directions, in life. if not for nursing school, you and i never would have liked each other in any other circumstance.

reflecting back, i am not really sure what made me like you in the first place. i find you quite superficial, shallow and egocentric. we had the profession of nursing, a favourite past-time, and age in common - not exactly grounds for a really deep friendship. and yet, we ran deep for a while. of course, it didn't last.

you think the hardest thing about motherhood is pregnancy, labour and delivery, and view motherhood as a passage-of-right for all women (ie no woman is complete without it). you assume with so much complacence, you will get a child tht is perfect - free from disabling flaws at birth - and that it will be so easy ... that love is enough. somehow superior, you will not meet any of those obstacles and challenges that many parents face.

you measure success and happiness in terms of quantity, stuff, amounts, accumulation of wealth. and ... i do not. and i never have. and i never will. and i, i measure these things in terms of quality. and the ripple effect my existence has made. my remaining son = my ripple. i see myself as successful because he has made it to adulthood in one piece. in one piece, in so many ways that his parents did not. his spirit made in intact. that, i think, makes me successful. even tho my net worth may say otherwise. he who dies with the most toys, still dies. i use this as my mantra.

the greatest worries of your existence, paying off your line of credit and whether or not your dad will pay you back the $50,000 he owes you. and you tell me that you think your sister, recently diagnowsed with MS, has an attitude problem. you just don't understand this -- she should just get a grip and think about how you feel. (oh yeah - it's all about you, isn't it?)

when you tell me these things, i hold my tongue about my own life. i do not tell you, tho i long to, about the long, sleepless nites i spent longing for my son, and others i have lost too soon, the horrors of violent, anguish-filled deaths that i see every time i close my eyes (the sound, smell and sight of a patients bleeding to death thru either or both gastrointestinal orifaces), and the nagging sense of self-doubt that wraps it arms around me, continuously, like a tight corset. i do not tell you that, the more time i spend with you, the deeper my lonliness becomes. i see now, so clearly ... about us. destined for failure, from the start. a solid friendship needs a more stable foundation. and substance -- friendships need substance. and ours had very little.