can't decide ~ which one? REVISED

ok. for a project ~ like, for marks ~ i must submit a book cover. here are two three choices i have dreamed up. whaddaya think? anyone? opinions and feedback graciously and gratefully received. oh yeah, i've decided to stop being so effing paranoid and not give a shit who knows my name.



eye of the storm ~ the cover for a fictional non-fiction book which attempts to dispel the various urban myths that exist regarding various organized religions.

(pssst ~ this is an addition ... and my favourite ~ does it look too sinister, or surreal?)



falling: my life after 9/11 ~ the cover for a fictional non-fiction book written by the wife of the falling man, a man who died on 9/11, when he jumped from the twin towers ... his fall was photographed and the photograph published. the author uses the fall which took her husbands life as a metaphor for the way in which her life changed after that fateful day.

(i like this one b/c, despite its plain-ness, it is a better photochoppy that the needle cafe one. i edited this one slightly ~ added a 'tiled' filter to it to give it that texture)



the needle cafe: tales of an IV drug user - a collection of short stories ~ the cover for a fictional fictionalized account of stories from the open drug scene in vancouver's downtown eastside, which the author affectionately calls "the needle cafe". the stories, all told from first-personal perspective, depict the darkest and yes, sometimes humourous, sides of life as a junkie. told in an irreverent, sometimes abrasive tone, this collection of stories strips away any perception of glamour from living life as an addict.

(this is macabre ~ the blood splatter could be better tho, some of it looks too faint in places. overall, i think this one's the most amateurish-looking one of all, but its quite eye-catching.)

thoughts on nursing

I saw a young student tightly hugging a Fundamentals of Nursing text on my morning commute. I guessed her age at around 20 or 21 years of age. So young. I wondered if she had any real clue what she was getting herself into. Did she really know, anything about the journey on which she appeared poised to embark? I always feel a strong urge to ward all young prospects away from Nursing as a career, whenever I encounter them. Still, I refrain from doing so. Who am I, to rain on their parade? Perhaps, perhaps, they will forge through that hell, unaware as one needs to remain in order to survive.

I reflected on the fundamental weakness of health care as a profession ~ particularly Nursing, since that's the beast I know. The administrators of the health care system and the regulators of the profession exists as separate entities. The administrators of the system have the capacity to effect change on the regulators ~i.e. via legislation (the legislators still control the Act that governs the regulating body). However, the regulating body has negligible political influence on the administrating authority, and hence, little capacity to effect any real change in the system.

So ... we have an entity responsible for the administration of patient care. We have an administrator responsible for regulating the professions - the individuals who actually work to deliver the care. Who works to regulate the administrators of care ~ the architects of the health care system? Who works to ensure they have set things right ~ established the appropriate care priorities, allowed for sufficient resources in the field, established safe and effective practices? No one, as far as I can see. That's a problem.

interlude ~ about choices

~EDIT: it occurs to me that this discussion, which man has conducted with himself for centuries, about free will and determinism, really hinges upon one's thought (and hence, personality), patterns, as well as one's philosophical point-of-view. The issue of free will, how much choice we have, and how much of our existence relies on the pre-destinated ... it's an issue which Thornton Wilder attempted to tackle in one of his most famous works.

So whether you take a more catholic philosophical perspective, or a calvinist one, will really influence your opinion with respect to the notion that humans have free will versus whether we exist in an entirely predetermined realm. Remember, also, that if you subscribe to the notion of kharma, then you implicitly subscribe to the notion of choice. Kharma makes no sense when superimposed upon predeterminism. Consider the notion that free will and determinism can co-exist: click here ... and here~

I have given Dante a break, just for this one post, to write about choice. Luxie wrote a post about choices ... and the notion of happiness as a choice. Susan also recently wrote a post about choice ~ the choice of love ~ using the story of Eurydice and Orpheus. Given my current reading material - Dante - I am swimming in thoughts about free will, intellect, and choice. And what it all means to life and living.

Susan's post, in particular, led me to ask, do we choose love or does love choose us? The discovery that many, many people believe themselves impotent to a mighty force called love ~ met with my surprise. The notion of choice seems so clear and obvious to me. How can we have intellect and reason, and not have choice? Do we only consider it a choice, when the alternatives seem pleasant and agreeable to our eyes, and hearts?



I have trouble conceiving of love as something which compels us to act. Can we really call this love? Perhaps we should name that sensation desperation. Desperation at the realization that we cannot impose our will ~ our desires ~ upon the will of the universe? Do we fail to see a choice as a choice, simply because the alternatives presented us seem less than optimal, or downright repugnant? Would we rather tell ourselves we have no choice, because we loathe the pain of letting go (which, in some cases may present itself as one of the alternatives)? The notion that we have no choice seems somewhat hedonistic, from my perspective. Whomever said anything about living pain free? Or making pain-free choices?

The most painful choice one makes, I think, involves choosing against making a choice ~ I call it the cowardly escape. I wrote a poem, more than a year ago, in which I reflected upon a relationship I had with a destructive man many years ago. I had given my feelings for this man so much power ... I felt like this ...

it caught her and ravaged her ...
the same way a leg hold trap
ravages a wolf's unsuspecting leg.
her young, tender soul
could not escape its grip.

I think we give carnal/corporeal love too much power. And, when seized by the feeling, we fail to consider the full ramifications of doing so. I allowed myself to feel for this man, despite knowing and feeling he was no good for me. I recall the juncture, in fact, at which I felt myself making the choice. It felt like taking a drug ... and I felt the same sensation of I have no choice ... in fact, what makes me think it wasn't love is that I do have love now, and its nothing like that ... and that the destructive thing of the past, that thing felt more like relief from withdrawal ~ i.e getting that next hit of one's drug of choice ~ than the warm embrace of love.


The creator has set things in motion ~ we happen to be those things in motion. Free will means we choose ~ who enters our lives, who stays, for how long, and to whom we cleave. For all of us. However ... the alternatives presented us may not seem optimal to us ... and so we tell ourselves we have no choice ... when in fact, we do. Regardless if we like to options laid out before us ... we do, indeed, have a choice. We find the notion that we have no choice ... easier to stomach. Both for us ... and for the object of our affection. Why? I suppose then, we can delude ourselves into believing we should not bear any responsibility for the choice - explicit or implicit - we made. For, if someone or some force indeed compels us to act, then, we cannot really assume responsibility for our own acts, can we?

So ... do we choose love? Or does love choose us? If indeed, we have no choice then the notion of fidelity really seems illusory. I mean, how can we reconcile this powerful, compelling force we have here labelled love with the notion of faithfullness and fidelity? If we, indeed, have no choice, how do we differ from that pack of rabbits or dogs, who act purely on instinct? If they could speak, they would tell us they had no choice, that they were only acting as nature intended. Wouldn't they?

Like it or not, we all expect fidelity in our "carnal love" relationships. We see ourselves, perhaps, as having no choice, but somehow attribute the capacity of choice to the object of our affection, from whom we expect fidelity. Do you doubt this? Then, dear reader, ponder, how you would feel if your partner loved another and you found out about it ... and then, when confronted replied, 'I had no choice.' Despite our attempts at shirking the responsibilities of living, we still must account. And when it comes to love, that undoubtedly means fidelity. and, when said fidelity gets challenged, we grow quite angry, despondent, sorrow-filled, and enraged.

So .... at the risk of nauseating repetition, I ask again. Do we choose love, or does love choose us? Out of my experiences, my heart tells me, YES. I CHOOSE. AND I MUST LIVE WITH THOSE CHOICES. Still, that's a difficult and painful reality to grasp. Our finitude, in the darkest of hours, however, prevents us from fully seeing that choices always lies in our grasp. Our vision does not reach that far. Particularly when anguish presents itself as one of the options ~ as the only alternative to what we perceive as love. We, perhaps, tell ourselves we have no choice because we fear the anguish. Its easier to think of that way. Its easier to live with that way.

As for love ~ its so mighty and mysterious, residing on the sacred convergence of the biochemical and the spiritual. I wonder if we really know the face of love. In some respects, I think we don't ~ for many of us see love as a tool for our own happiness. And not a path to some higher meaning.

For those of you who have not read Dante, you may not see his heavy influence in this post. For those that have ... forgive me. I have, perhaps, failed to give him the rest I promised at the beginning of this post. Still, he's there. Just like the face of choice. Saving the one you love most from taking his own life makes one painfully aware of the fact that choice ALWAYS lies within our grasp.

I've decided, also, that much of the dismal state of the world has a direct relation to the illusion we've concocted that we have no choice. That's why I see this as so important.

I, for one, tire of hearing that cop-out: 'But, I had no choice.'

rhetorical questions

1. why do we live in a society that cares more about how sanjaya's wearing his hair this week, or who will win american idol or what will happen to jack bauer next season ... than about how many humans die at the hands of war, waste, and greed all aaround the world?
2. why do we hold in such high esteem fictional characters, like 'house', who execute behaviours and clinical decisions that would surely get him a suspended license (or disciplined/demoted/censured at the very least)? why is an arrogant, rude prick such a tv hero? is that the behaviour we value - the supreme asshole behaviour? when such a show gains such popularity, isn't that what we're telling our kids?
   
3. why does the country that fluff's itself up on the notion that freedom and democracy have made it successful, have such a stupid dictatorial regime at its helm?
4. where are the weapons of mass destruction? (i think they're in the white house and pentagon - and they don't look at all like what y'all thought they would)
5. why is the us coast guard firing live rounds 100 metres away from orca whales and the tour boats observing them?
6. why does fuel cost 1.20 per litre?
7. why are there still people living in new orleans without infrastructure, so long after katrina? how come a war plan can get executed faster than a disaster rebuilding plan? is there a plan? dare i ask?
8. how come so many revolutionary wannabees think helping eradicate poverty involves anything overseas?
9. why is vancouver building a subway line that links vancouver to the airport, when in the pre-olympic era, residents clearly indicated they did NOT want one?
10. why is it that, post-olympic bid, all of a sudden the [so-pathetic-it-has-already-caved-in-once-under-the-weight-of-all-that-construction- equipment] sea to sky highway (the only highway to whistler from here!) gets rebuilt, when residents have been begging for this for years?
11. why must all the summer fashions for women involve baring as much as much skin as possible, or vulgarly displaying as many curves as possible? do i really need to see that black thong - and a hint of its waistband peaking over top of your pants that look like yer mom left 'em in the dryer too long - ya got peaking thru those tacky, too-tight white capri pants of yours? do i need to see that belly ooze out from that crop top the store never shoulda sold ya? pulllleeeeese! someone call the fucking fashion police?
    
12. whatever happened to leaving something to the imagination? like - doncha know that a guy finds it much more intriguing - much sexier - seeing just bared ankles and bared feet, rather than seeing half of an ass cheek hangin' out of a pair of shorts?
    
13. why is pot illegal? when studies have proven, time and again, that its less harmful than either nicotine or alcohol?
14. why has every human out there convinced him or her self s/he needs a cell phone? get over yourselves! what did you do in the 70s, 80s, 90s? before the advent of cell phones?
15. what's the big fuss about organic food anyway? if organic means you only use 'natural' substances in the growing process, such as shit ... to fertilize ... then count me out. i will take my chances with cancer, or whatever weird disease i will get from the chemical fertilizers in the non-organic food that's already out there. why do i have this impression that organic = fast track to e. coli? hmmmm ... perhaps because e. coli's likely in the shit that gets used to 'naturally' fertilize the organic food? hmmm - do i want e. coli? no. NO. if given a choice i would pick chemotherapy and radiation over dialysis ... just a thought. things aren't ever as they seem, are they?
16. when will i hear about the by-law that will ban repressed anger? i have heard about the smoking ban, the trans-fat ban, the plastic bag ban, the ipod ban, even ... well, given that it's the single biggest causative risk factor in every major disease that shortens human life ... shouldn't we pay some mind to our friend repressed anger? or do we like the fact that it exists, because (among other things) all those insane video clips of all the road raging drivers amuse us?
17. why have humans become so fucking lazy and complacent? why do we need drive thru's? why do we need to drive our fucking cars so fucking much? why do we need to destroy everything, consume everything, pluck everything away from itself? will we evolve from that twisted little child-mind that gets off on pulling the wings from living flies? if so, when?
18. what's with reality tv? ain't reality real enough?
19. why do little children think that the white doll - as compared to the black doll - is the nicer doll? does not that disturb any of you? why have we cultivated a information/entertainment media that sends messages of inferiority to ordinary people who don't look like they've spend 50,000 dollars on tanning salons and plastic surgery? why do we expose our children to such messages? why does this generation grow up hating the way it looks?
    
20. how can love grow, in the shadow of self loathing?

any more to add to this list? feel free to add yours in a comment ...