My husband stayed out all night, Saturday night. I called the police, yet again, to look for him. This is the 3rd time in 6 or 8 weeks I have had to call the police to look for him or keep him safe ... frankly i think he should be a man about it and manage himself with more maturity and consideration. I really have little use for such manipulations, and piggish, inconsiderate behaviour. I'm not fucking kidding, either. He failed to call, or send any signs of life during his 24 hour absence. I have discovered what my deal breaker is ~ THIS. I have no desire ... for anything. For anyone. I have only myself. And my son. And my intellect. Any notion I had of a life partner ... of a marriage skin ~ its all a delusion ... an illusion. One is truly alone in this world and life. No one really gives a flying shit, when it really counts, do they? Well, this is my lot and I have to deal with it ... somehow. For now ... I feel like retreating.
This means challenging my self to compassionate, encouraging, genuine and hostile-free exchanges. It also means contemplating my reaction to the thoughts, feelings and expressions of others, prior to acting upon them. 
