a cry into the wilderness of humanity

"does anyone hear?"

i am crying out.

simultaneously raling
against you all
and despairing
because
you have all FORGOTTEN
that i exist

i am lonely
and alone
an amputee
and also ...
the amputated

i am crying out
do you hear me?
perhaps not
perhaps ....
you have shut
me off

i have spent some of the
worse weeks of my life
lately
and one really finds out
who one's allies are
during such times

i have wanted to die
i have wanted to just go away and never come back
i have wanted to de-materialize
i have wished to just not be
to just fall into non-existence

i have felt such despair
i did not think i could
or would survive
i had no idea that
i possessed the capacity
to endure such darkness,
such despair

i don't want to die today.
but don't fool yourself,
roxanne
that feeling ...
it lurks just around the corner

in case you care ...
the header images of my blogs
are concocted by moi -
the images i found on flickr
and/or the www
the fonts are from
dafont
and ...
the photo choppy i used
is also FREE ...
check out GIMP
that is, unless you wanna
really pay some
nameless, faceless corporation
$1000 ....

just some useless trivia
for you ...
in case anyone still
happens to read this

i am angry -
i fear
that no one does
have i become the
untouchable outcast?
apparently.
well, fuck you then,
carboard cut outs ...
i wonder if you really exist
or if you are just a bunch
of phoney profiles.

Posted by the pink reefer at 10:42 PM

4 comments:

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

well gollee ive come to see you more than youve come to see me! grrrrrrrrrrrl dont lose heart. i remember you.

grrr
January 9, 2007 3:05 PM
Mayden's Voyage said...

FOr days and days I have tried to logon here- and get kicked out. I couldn't even open the link from the email you sent- Microsoft would close the whole program down.
I've figured it out now- and need to update the link.
You sounded so much better the last time I heard from you- encouraged and ready to move ahead...free from somethings...still bound I know by others. I wish things were easier- but focusing on what you think is rejection is not the way through this...
I think that anger is a source of strength for you- it gives you energy- but not the best kind.
I can't know what it's like to be you...I haven't walked in your shoes- and the times I have come close enough to understand- it's painful.

Still- I wish the best for you.
Find a positve energy...you are dying without it. It does exist in you- find it...hold on.
The light will come- keep asking for it.
Bless you...I ask for a blessing for you- I honestly do.
Peace friend...
January 10, 2007 9:19 AM
the pink reefer said...

i often feel like a lone voice, crying out in the wilderness. mostly i possess enough energy to positively overcome this feeling. not so now ... energy stores (in every sense) have become dangerously depleted. many circumstances in life lately left me feeling powerless ... trapped.

i have never felt so deprived of everything basic to my survival as i have these past 3 weeks. having to decide whether to steal a ride from the subway so i can eat on a particular day leaves me feelings quite ... pathetic, like jean val jean, from les miz.

cognitively i tell myself it is just temporary. but, its hard to believe, all those times when i see no light. and this is not just about that. it is about the many emails i have spent time writing that basically have just gone ignored. this applies to certain individuals ... not all. sure, we all have busy lives. who, among us canot take 5 minutes to extend a courtesy of acknowledgement to another?

just a question. i find society at large basically extremely inconsiderate. i suppose this is just an extension of that feeling.

also ... this blog a trusted refuge for me. i can say anything to the blog and it will be here the next time i return. not so for others. imagine, indeed, what it must feel like to carry all that despair and rage around. well, that is why i write - the bad stuff gets vented thru the words i write.

regards to you ...
January 11, 2007 9:29 AM
LADY LUXIE said...

ahhh'...I find your bursts of emotion soooo..passionate!...like flowering sunflowers gone ballistic yessss...refreshing...I just think that you can say everthing from the gutholes of your soul..can be putrid...can be conflagration...but it comes out in powerful burts of sexy flames...luv reading that...

and the profiles..I've wodered about that as well...wondered if the people who I bloggy' meet are real...Me' Hubz' said I'm crazy...they aren't real people..he said that...They aren't "your friends honey"..it's all in your mind...

So I've thought about it..my mind..am I really THAT gullible as he said I was???...came a point when I was asked to pull out me' blog...

People I talk to look at me as some sort of eccentric when I start talking about me' blog..and the people in it...specially when I start clicking on sites I go to..and they see a pic of a dog (LOL!)..and somebody green or somebody sexy vampirish..he!he!..they don't understand coz' they think "they're real"..and my cyber connections are bots...programmed responses that are there but aren't there...

and I've found out some profiles that are actually there but not there...not just fictitiuos but malicious...Profiles of bloggy' creatures that hop on to your comment section wanting to connect..urging you to get online...get to know you better..."feeel" that they're real...uhuh!..did that once and boy' what a loony that bloggy' personality turned out to be...

I come here I think once a week...but lately I've been swallowed by mundane stuff and so I don't get to visit as much bloggies'...I notice that when I go bloggy' hopping, my comment section multiplies..and whe I don't..it simmers.. came to a point when I aaid what the heck...

just like you I blog for release...release whatever color I have inside..

shout all you want...scream all you want...just don't stop writing!!

take care!!!..and I mean that!
January 17, 2007 4:12 PM