Friday, April 17, 2009

Encouraging Bliss:: Twilight Reflections

Friday, April 17, 2009

 It's the middle of the night. I'm sitting in bed, under the covers with my laptop. Somehow, the bed feels larger. Perhaps, that's because I feel much smaller, tonight, than I did this morning. Dear Reader, you cannot imagine how small I feel. My shame lingers in the spaces between words spoken; it stagnates, like the smell of something burning. I find it a challenge to examine my rather large and foolish error without judgement. Foolish ~ too harsh a word, maybe? Alternatives? Ill-Considered. Careless. Naive, even.

[Photo ~ taken on a sunny day here, in Vancouver a week ago]

It seems pointless to persecute myself. It seems purposeful and wise, though, to really take to heart and mind what I need to do, and gaze at it through the prism of wreckless, wanton desire (the force that fuels my error). I see, more clearly, the painful struggle one endures in the quest for Self ~ the self I think I want to be vs. the self God created me to be. The Wannabe seeks comfort by filling herself. The True Self seeks comfort in acceptance and through emptying herself.

I must begin to empty a particular falseness. Its a falseness that coats the Wannabe (entraps her, really) like a poisonous membrane. She must no longer fill herself with poison. She must purge. It feels like I must release my grip from the edge and fall freely away from the known precipice, toward the unknown, without fear or tension. When I let go, I will liberate myself. When I let go, my wings will carry me; I will feel such joy and peace ... and BLISS. Do I have the courage to follow the obscured and jagged trail that leads to the light?

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Anonymous said...

I have not been reading you for a very long time, but from what I have read, dear Tinkerbell, your essence just OOZES courage. I know you have it within you; it is obvious to those of us looking at you from the outside.

Just one step at a time...

Anonymous said...

Yes..Yes..You have the courage to do this Tinkerbell. I believe in you my friend!

Emma said...

You can do it! I think you ARE starting it already. :)

Janaki said...

The small self is just a tool in the tool box to be used by the Self God created you to be. There are no error's because everything is God. Therefore everything is as it should be.

Peace, Love and Blessings!

X. Dell said...

I guess there are some who see everyone's folly but their own. Then there are those who can see only their own foolishness; no one else's.

To be human, one must be foolish sometimes. Perfection is a trait of the worthless.

As for the bed, it will shrink again. I know this because I have faith in the quality and character of its owner.

Genie Sea said...

Beautifully written and powerfully pure intentions. There is nothing but success that can fuel them :)

Anonymous said...

Sending you immense doses of self-love, grace, acceptance, forgiveness...and...HOPE.

Here's to the quest for your TRUE SELF. It is an amazing journey and I am always glad to meet fellow travelers along the way.

Many blessings for health and healing, love and light, to you this day, dear one.

Tess said...

I was really struck by your phrase "fall freely". Children fall freely - their bodies are relaxed and so they are less apt to hurt themselves when they fall. We tense up as adults and hurt ourselves. Physically, emotionally, mentally, it's all the same tension.
I wish you the brightest of blessings in your courage.

Sydney said...

I am new to your blog, having clicked on your name from Encouraging Bliss. I hope you'll come visit mine. But I can say that this is beautiful, and strong. Not whiney, but courageous. It seems you are already well on your way. Seekers struggle but don't often realize how evolved you have to be to be where you are struggling... if that makes any sense.

Christine said...

Ah, the shadow comforts, I know them well. I'm working on my own purge and I have so much empathy for you with yours.
I love the other commenter's words about free falling. Wise.

Anonymous said...

I like piglet's comment, "I wasn't brave! It's just something that happened when I panicked!"
When we need to act, we do. Brave is not the opposite of scared, it's action WHILE scared... so I think in some ways it's easier when you feel small. Because when you feel small, your fears are your constant companions (like piglet).
small steps.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

I understand in ways I wish I didn't.