denial

the air stagnates here ~ so much denial everywhere. i can barely breathe in this place. i have a crushing headache. patience escapes me at some key moments. i feel a bit like a caged lion. beholden to the clocks of others. caught in a ridiculous family dynamic of building empires and carving a path to martyrdom. heaven forbid that i should interfere with someone's ticket to martyrdom! i feel like a mule. i feel alone. tired. angry ... so angry at all the denial that surrounds me.

i want to give up ... but i do not want to run away.

a frail carousel

i want so desperately to write in this journal about the struggles a caregiver faces. i want to write about the constant, silent pain of watching age and disease slowly ravage an adored parent. i want to write about the grief that strikes a heart that has to tell a proud and independent parent s/he can no longer drive. i want to write a brilliant exposé about the carousel of life. but, alas, my dear friend .... i am so tired from enduring the silent pain; from carrying the grief of aging in my heart; from living through the minuscule and not-so-minuscule battles and frustrations that comprise my daily existence.

amidst all the reasonably organized chaos i find my heart feels happy to have a purpose ~ to once again, find balance through service to loved ones. and my marriage, that diamond-strong skin which has endured so much assault, has survived intact when we'd nearly abandoned it for dead. so many of the lessons my husband and i have faced in our partnership have necessitated long periods of separation. at the start of my marriage i would say to my wolf, 'i cannot live without you.' now i say, 'i can live without you, but i choose to live with you.'

i feel as though my grown children have transformed back into young, school-aged children. only, my parents have become the children in a way. getting mummy & daddy all bundled up for outside feels a lot like bundling my little ones up for the school bus. and so, the more things change ... the more they remain unchanged.

chihuahua!

Transcending Oneself

The experience of difficult and miserable times, themselves, hardly suffice as grounds for dissolution of a marriage. As the date of my wedding anniversary approaches, I remind myself constantly what a sacred entity I nearly threw away. And of how stupid and selfish I have behaved. One's life will always fail and falter if one places a drug, or any other material substance, in the centre of one's existence.

A marriage isn't just worthy when it serves my ego and makes me happy. And happiness (or lack thereof), seems to me, the STUPIDEST reason of all to contemplate ending a marriage. When is it ever wrong to want to fix what's sacred? If the spouses in a faltering marriage have extended to each other the gift of forgiveness and acceptance, than why should anyone else have trouble with things?

My decision is final.

I will entertain no further doubts or questions about it.
This time, I refuse to succumb to temptation ~
I have delivered myself from it.

life's like that

~ Happy 40th Birthday to Wulfine ~

Can You Hear Me Humming, Mon Cher?

"... When you're close to tears remember
Some day it'll all be over
One day we're gonna get so high
And though it's darker than December
What's ahead is a different colour
One day we're gonna get so high..."

i am ~ je suis ~ ich bin

i am water ~

flowing to the lowest places,

sometimes stormy,

sometimes bottomless,

the softest of substances,

yet, best at conquering the hard and strong.

unalterable ... unchanging

and, still ~

taking the shape of my surroundings.

~ the bird spirit lives strongly inside me ~

~ my animal spirit guide is the eagle ~

vision - seeing things others cannot

tenacity - hanging on, even when it hurts

~ graceful - mystical - creative ~