a frail carousel

i want so desperately to write in this journal about the struggles a caregiver faces. i want to write about the constant, silent pain of watching age and disease slowly ravage an adored parent. i want to write about the grief that strikes a heart that has to tell a proud and independent parent s/he can no longer drive. i want to write a brilliant exposé about the carousel of life. but, alas, my dear friend .... i am so tired from enduring the silent pain; from carrying the grief of aging in my heart; from living through the minuscule and not-so-minuscule battles and frustrations that comprise my daily existence.

amidst all the reasonably organized chaos i find my heart feels happy to have a purpose ~ to once again, find balance through service to loved ones. and my marriage, that diamond-strong skin which has endured so much assault, has survived intact when we'd nearly abandoned it for dead. so many of the lessons my husband and i have faced in our partnership have necessitated long periods of separation. at the start of my marriage i would say to my wolf, 'i cannot live without you.' now i say, 'i can live without you, but i choose to live with you.'

i feel as though my grown children have transformed back into young, school-aged children. only, my parents have become the children in a way. getting mummy & daddy all bundled up for outside feels a lot like bundling my little ones up for the school bus. and so, the more things change ... the more they remain unchanged.