working IT out

ok. am writing this to work out something. something that just screams inside my head. something that won't shut up inside my head. perhaps it seems ... trivial. but its screaming inside my head. and i want it to stop. so .... here goes. it makes me nervous even to articulate this stuff. but i must.

they made the travel arrangements. stupidly, i trusted them when they told me flights unavailable to get us home on friday. what reason did i have to disbelieve? i mean, really? at that time - none. so i accepted what they told me. i accepted that return on saturday was the best that could get done.

and ... @ that time no moving arrangements for us had gotten set. at that time, the hunt for a place continued. so ... at the end of last weekend, we got confirmation of a place. and, we all know securing the actual place - its but a small part of the whole moving process. integral, but small. there's the matter of moving all the stuff - ie. truck. and, yeah, how easy we can get that truck in the last week of march. haha. so ... beggars, cannot be choosers. and so the truck got booked for friday afternoon and evening.

recall - this is when i would still be in whitehorse. so ... motivated by the brand new life circumstances that presented themselves to me ... i decided i would check for myself. check the airline, i mean. so ... i went to the Air North website and checked if i could book a one-way flight from whitehorse to vancouver friday am. no problem. and so i checked how many staff members got scheduled to go on this trip. a total of 8. so i tried booking a flight for 8. no problem. then i tried booking a return flight whitehorse-vancouver, with departure thursday am (original time) and return friday am. no problem. and then i see, the small print [a lover of the small print am i] flight changes possible for a $40 change fee and the requisite fare difference.

so ... WHY WERE WE TOLD 'NO FLIGHT AVAILABLE?'

i dunno.

so ... why am i so pissed off about this?

i dunno. i feel duped. like someone's screwin with me. like -- do i really look THAT stupid??!! i feel ... outraged ... infuriated. for days, possibly weeks, i have waited ... waited .... for an excuse. this job has presented me with many. repeated exploitation. continuous disregard for employees. complete and utter disrespect ie - attitude - as in lets humiliate employees who seem slower to learn in front of the whole group - as in lets bully them, pressure them, exploit them some more and set some targets they cannot physically meet - as in a 6 am meet time @ the office on a sunday am (transit here gets no one anywhere @ 0600 on a sunday - it is NOT 24 hours.) i have dismissed them, in the name of moderation and tolerance. now -- i feel somehow differently about this. deception - i cannot tolerate. it makes me think about how all that humiliation, and arrogant disrespect triggers so much upset right to my core.

it sends me into that dark, negative funk. i wake up angry. oh so angry ... for all the negative energy swirling around that place of employment. forgive me for saying so ... but it seems like everyone that works there ... everyone that stays there for any length of time ... anyone that acquires any sort of power in their jobs with this company .... they all metamorphose into FUCKING PRICKS.

how badly do i need this job? i really feel at a loss. do i honour a commitment to someone who has fucked me over? my conscience tell me sort of. but ... what really are my priorities here? chasing a job that will require me to miss 2 days of school? missing the move into our new place and totally deserting martin to all that?

i do not recall making a vow to honour my employers. any of them. i do, however, recall making a solemn vow, in front of a crowd of many whom i still have in my life, to martin. so ... where does this leave me?

i am at a loss. honestly and truly. writing this has somewhat elucidated the dilemma. but not the appropriate response i might take. i find myself wishing i were 6 years old and someone would tell me what to do. really.