losing to renewal

i have spent a great deal of today struggling with this funk that descended upon me sometime during sleep, last night. melancholy. of impending change. impending absences. losing a way of life i've come to equilibrate for the past 6 months or so to gain 'my life' back. my life? isn't it this thing that's being twisted and shifted on a violent unrelenting wind? i wonder. its all necessary, of course. i wonder if its a flaw in my personality to consider all the losses of any situation with all its benefits and associated joys.

martin will leave tomorrow for 3 nights and 4 days. he returns thursday evening. i leave thursday morning and return saturday sometime. we move on my return, i suppose. assuming a truck makes itself available during this week that leads up to the 1st. i do not want to give up pot. reduce. but not give up. the prospect makes me shudder with dark sadness. and the fact of this occurrence makes me feel so inadequate. i feel the fierce resistance of our spirits to martin's impending departure. we too, so separate, yet so intertwined of spirit and soul.

i have struggled to keep despair and doom at bay - so as not to let it seep into my soul and make my decisions for me. its a fight - like jacob's fight with the angel - with himself. second by second. i think of silly things i will lose because of moving from here. seeing the pigeons outside my window - in particular the little brown pigeon that i call 'winnie' ... i will miss a pigeon. and the cries of the gulls. and .... proximity. i will miss proximity.

i guess this heavy feeling that's flowing over me like a strange rain .... i guess its fear.

FEAR. i fear.