Imagine trying to live your life while some unknown spirit thrusts you repeatedly into and out of a centrifuge. The centrifuge never stops spinning. Instead, it vacillates between super-rapid spinning and somewhat sluggish spinning. You never know and can never predict the speed of the centrifuge. But still, you must pass through it at the whim of this evil spirit ~ enter ... exit ... enter.
The G forces weigh you down. And the volatility of an unknown renders you inert to the vibrant activity of life going on around you. Slowly, gradually, bits of you get sheared away ~ eroded by the chaos of existing in a centrifuge. The centrifuge sucks you in and spits you out, at random. And you feel eroded ... you begin to feel like nothing. You lose yourself in all that spinning. Slow down. Dance faster. Can you imagine? That's what it feels like, living with and through Bipolar Disorder.
I wrote this in my journal about a week ago, following a particularly horrid and raging manic episode. The raging mania I endured for those few hours became a lesson for me, an experience that led me to work harder at improving myself, and my response to life and the people around me. It sparked me to seek positive, healing energy and influences. I started by setting goals for myself every day. At first these goals involved organizing, tidying, decluttering my flat.
By the end of last week, I had completed the major task of making this flat look and feel like a home. I felt so good, inside and out. Its amazing how one's physical surroundings really rouses one's spirit. Getting rid of useless stuff, organizing that which remains ~ this removed such a heavy weight from my inner self. It filled with me with good energy, and that energy acts a talisman against the evil force that wants me to live my life at the whim of his centrifuge.
My task then became finding a way to hang onto this good and positive energy. I made that visit to the doctor that I had long procrastinated. I told him I wanted to add a mood stabilizer to my med regime. He granted my request. I now commit to myself to take my medications daily and to complete my mood diary daily. With this, my mind began feeling strong and balanced. My soul still cried out for sustenance, for a way to manufacture and grasp hold of positive energy.
The universe must have heard my cries, for then I stumbled upon a group of bloggers that sparked the creative light that had fizzled over the past few months. I've made a commitment to my creative muse ~ to express myself creatively, each and every day. My spirit feels healthier, more content, more balanced. I begin to feel a joy that emanates from within me, not from outside of me. My daily affirmation to myself ~ be the change you want to see ~ reminds me each day that I choose, that it starts with me, that changes effected on the inside will manifest themselves on the outside.
And so, I commit to myself, each and every day, to adhere to a routine, to make order a sacred priority in my daily existence. Further, I commit to myself to express myself creatively each and every day ~ through Project 287, and through a structure of daily creative challenges I have devised for myself in this blog. I have committed to myself to share with others the riches of inspiration and ideas that flow into my river.
This means challenging my self to compassionate, encouraging, genuine and hostile-free exchanges. It also means contemplating my reaction to the thoughts, feelings and expressions of others, prior to acting upon them. 
1 comments:
I'm glad to see you're back. I wondered what happened to your blog. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better too. I think routine is good for everyone. It has a stabilizing factor to it. I definitely need my routine.
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