A Look Back

In the summer of 2006 Martin and I reached and impasse in our marriage. I left him, in fact [this, the first of a few times I left the marriage cage]. That first time, the death of our dog brought me back to the marriage. During this time, I started a secret blog to document this turmoil in my marriage. I spent some time Monday evening poking through that blog. I've compiled a few of these posts for you below. See if you can catch the story through the words I've written.

~ written 30.04.2006 ~

how i felt just after leaving

shreds ...

that's how it all turned out ... shreds. how, exactly, did this happen? i mean, it feels like i woke up and found my life like this ... shreds. WTF??? where, i wonder, was i when it all fell to shreds? drowning ... ? perhaps. drowning in a sea of identity thru others. velvet, mother. velvet, wife. velvet, existing only in relation to the others in her life. velvet, brutally wounded by the bayonettes called anger, grief, parenting. parenting ... we all want it. that's because we have no idea how horribly difficult, isolating and painful it really is ... and because we don't count on getting a child that's defective ... unable to fit the mold we so desperately want it to fit ... unable to even love its parents.

shreds. each and every day. the defective child ... the one the parents grieve, despite his physical presence. each day a new feeling of loss superimposed on top of the old feelings of loss. each day, the violent slap of unrequited love ... the painful desperation of knowing i love and do not receive any in return. shreds ... each parent, consumed in grief, anger, desperation. grief, with no closure. never closure. only a dull aching and a feeling of failure. FAILURE.

consumed. this thing ... consumed us. or ... we allowed ourselves to be consumed. does it matter now? we are empty nesters ... empty being the key word. we are left in the nest ... feeling empty, they have emptied us out ... the children of this marriage. what remains? two empty shells ... formerly known as ourselves. who are we? who am i? who is he? what are we doing here? besides brooding, brooding, and spewing unhappiness. when does love become habit ...? when does need become habit? habit ... an action one engages in without consideration. is that what we have become?

how does one extract oneself from the tangles of grief, anger, isolation, guilt, emptiness? can there be salvation? can there be redemption ...? i mean, redemption for the relationship ...? does anything remain to be redeemed? does whatever remains WANT to be redeemed? that, dear readers, is quite the question. isn't it?




~ written 4.05.2006 ~

10 days into it ...

that's how long since i left. i haven't left entirely, i suppose - for i still go there frequently. where do i reside? well, for now i reside inside myself. i sleep in the spare room of my mum's place, and a few of my things dot the room that had become the great book depository before i crashed mum's gate. the bulk of my belongs remain in some damp, cold storage locker 3 km from here. and shreds and shard of my life ... they still reside at that other place, along with the man, a co-pilot whose life grew into my own. and the dog ... 10 years old ... the last remaining dependent. pieces of me ... tender, blazing shrapnel ... lie in waiting. in waiting for what? for me to shine my shrill and shrieking light on them. waiting for me to rescue them. to rediscover them - you know - the way one discovers a cherished possession thought lost and gone forever?

what have i discovered, upon re-emergence?

1. this solitude - well its not really a solitude but it sort of is - this rediscovery ... it leaves me awe-filled daily. i listen to myself, to my body. it tells me things. i suppose it has tried to tell me these things all along - but, submerged, i could not hear. or perhaps i heard, but failed to listen. what have i learned? my body - every cell in my body - wants to grow, nourish and deliver a new life. without a doubt. i love. i'm amazed ... but i love. i think of myself as a shell enclosing a shriveled and blackened heart. yet, i find i have the capacity for enormous, voracious love.

2.epiphany! i see now that i have secretly (secret in the sense of unbeknownst to me) focused on and searched for what's missing. as opposed to finding happiness in what remains. comfort, habit, the enduring ... i had sunk so much into all of these ...to the point of submergence. this trivial life ... it sort of swallowed me - like Jonah, swallowed by the great whale. assimilated - i think i got assimilated. where do i begin and where does this life begin? this life ... its just circumstance ... its not me - not my essence. what a simple thought. and a truly startling revelation.




~ written 19.05.2006 ~

unchangeable entity

EDIT: realization. that running never solves anything. nor does distraction. the longing. from where does it originate? i have know, deep down there somewhere, all along that i could not live without lupin. maybe i didn't fully realize it. at all times.

this sad, visceral longing, that has loomed over my soul for these past few days - it's fear. i believe that its fear. of even thinking about changing the unchangeable. of challenging an entity that has weaved itself into the fabric of my heart. its like ... trying to envision living without water ... or oxygen. simply impossible. i cannot live without him, my lupin ... he is my water, my oxygen. as long as he is on this planet, i must exist with him.

but ... things do not have to be so black and white, do they? i like to think they do not. and think that ... i can choose to explore uncharted territory without wreaking complete havoc. i'm so glad in a way that this deep aching longing, which sat in the pit of my stomach for the past several days, i'm so glad that it has turned out to be my own fear. my own fear of changing the unchangeable.

yes ... there is a burning longing ... for ? feeling, unbridled passion, and possibly ... for one so far away - an escape? this ache -- it wants to know itself, that's all. know all the dark and tender secrets of my mind, the raw sensitive spots on my soul and ... whatever else i am willing to share with myself.

we must dare to dream, fantasize. i think we must.

but for now ... i wait.



 ~ written 13.07.2006 ~

and i said to lupin ...

"... you have served me so well. and i ... i have not served you nearly as well."

a profound realization.

and ... i'm truly convinced blazer had everything to do with it. convinced. and ... i'm no cracker jack .... just a soul who senses what others may miss. my darling and beautiful shaggy angel hound .... thank you .... it seems small to say so, considering all you have done. godspeed my hound. i feel you around me.




~ written 14.07.2006 ~

a dialogue with myself

and? shall i expect forgiveness? shall i expect all will be right again?
forgiveness is so much harder than being remorseful. it involves surrender.
i think that there shall be no grand absolution only forgiveness meted out in precious, tiny sips which lupin shall feed to me in spoonfuls.
and ... i think that it shall be enuf.

In less than 60 days one year's separation will have past. And I can then file for my divorce. I have begun the process of taking back my maiden name. And ... I will reconcile with Pilot. Its interesting, and worthwhile, looking back at the words I carved onto the screen, almost three years ago. It seems that, when a change must occur in a facet of one's life, it will occur, eventually, even in the face of one's personal protests.