today today today

the separation
i felt a vital piece of my heart rip away as the bus started up and began slowly backing out of the terminal. an intense feeling of incompleteness squeezed my gut really tightly. i felt mildly nauseous. the full impact of my departure for vancouver hit me square in the gut the moment i lost my view of M. i felt simultaneously silly and unapologetic, at my silent tears and stifled weeping, as the bus slowly meandered its way thru the ghetto of downtown winnipeg and westward. i clutched my stuffed moose tightly. the moose M. gave me for my 2005 birthday. i treat this moose as if some very dear and fragile piece of M. heart lies buried deep inside. i tell myself it does. ok. 'nuff of that topic. *sniff*

the trip
W, my brother - the family gypsy, if ever we had one - told me to expect a crowd on this bus. in anticipation of the 'long weekend.' well, long because remembrance day - a statutory holiday - fall on a saturday and so most businesses will close on monday. anyway - grrr. far too many people. with all the psychic energy in the bus i felt as though it would explode. or perhaps my neural pathways - from absorbing it all. how do i turn that off? where's the switch for this ... this ... sensing ability i seem to have? i have yet to find it ... its debilitating sometimes. I HATE CROWDS! the consolation lay in the fact that i still had weed left and that i managed to get a seat very near the back of the bus. it seems all the potheads gravitate toward the back, doesn't it?

so ... as our bus set out on the trans canada highway on a sunny thursday morning, a set to work getting my nimble fingers a rollin! hee hee. a girl's gotta be prepared, y'know. i am not one of those losers that rolls reefers pathetically with no filter (urg - pet peeve - joints with no filters ... !!). anyway ... first stop brandon. i have no mental appetite. however my gut feels like it will inwardly collapse if i don't put food in it. so - one plate of greasy fries and gravy. oh yeah - like THAT'S food! ha ha. well, i ate enuf to prevent my from passing out and then went a walked around the block with my stinky little cigarettes.

the bus - its the fucking milk run! urgh - the driver pulls into ever forsaken little prairie village - you know place that comprise a grain elevator, a fuel station and a general store. yeah - so the driver pulls into each small fucking town ... dotted just off the highway at 15 or 20 minutes intervals. oh and he just goes in - blabs to the store clerk for 5 minutes and then comes out. no parcel to pack. no passenger. TIME WASTER!

ok. miracle upon miracle. we finally get out of manitoba. the only thing worse that being in manitoba is being in saskachewan. a giant fucking ping pong table. honestly - no bloody trees! and - FUCK its friggin -19 degrees celcius. yes - in regina. and swift current. and moose jaw. FUCK. COLD. oh burrrrrrrrrr that is COLD. and it feels colder still at 0215, when the bus driver wakes you from a delirious sleep to announce everyone must get off the bus while he refuels it. urgh ... it sucks. but -- may as well smoke another reefer!

ok ... so i had fucked up dreams - like wierd shit that i don't remember enuf to recall but sufficiently to know it seemed psychedelic. and also i kept waking up half asleep with this feeling that i had ... um .... like somehow become detached from my body. wierd. like - the sudden realization that i couldn't really feel myself. ha ha. anyway ... crossed over to alberta sometime in the wee hours of the morning. and calgary at the obsene hour of 0630. fortunately, i know where the staff smoking picnic table is, in some nearby yet obscure part of the terminal grounds. it'd snowed there. the snow looked oh so white. divinely white. of course ... i don't hafta tell you what i did there, do i? HAHA.

urgh .... the bus leaving calgary fucking filled up. and yes, i actually had to tolerate someone sitting beside me. it turned out pretty cool. i had forgotten what a great girlfriend a gay man makes. we smoked together of course. and we had lunch together at subway - yes i finally did eat. but only half a sub. the trip thru the mountains - its always nicest early in the morning. the sun shone down on the trees, giving their icey-silver coating a golden hue. ever see golden silver? on a tree kissed by jack frost? its breath taking. the mountains hulked, as they always do. and the canyons and crevices and deep rolling hills folded into one another. and the crystal green streams that trickle and sometimes rush down the mountain sides. thar's lime in them thar hills!

i found most annoying the chap sitting in a neighbouring seat, telling us tripped out pot heads shit like, 'oh this is where that tour bus when over the rail' ... at a deep canyon that brooded along side the highway. a highway with near hair pin turns. oh - did i mention the weather conditions in the moutains? snowy. like - poor visibility and black ice snowy. like - 'oh is that the ass end of the bus i'm on sliding and skidding slightly?' like - 'holy shit! look at that semi truck (with long trailer attached) laying on its side on the highway, at the foot of the mountain.' the bus driver surely earned his wages those few hours. whew.

the bus remained fucking packed basically most of the way. i lost my cool gay man girlfriend at revelstoke - that's where he got off the bus. and i managed to avoid a seat mate the rest of the way. still - all that energy in that bus coach. too fucking much. and my arm -- my arm that's not supposed to be broken because there's nothing on the xray except the scar of my growth plate - my arm fucking hurt! urg. possibily it had something to do with the numerous times i had to lift that fucking heaving back pack with my 'sore' arm. i dunno. well, eventually 600 mg of ibuprofen helped it. well made the pain bearable enuf that i lost the urge to just chew the fucking thing off its socket!

pathetically, i could not bring myself to leave my beloved moose unattended on the seat. so i stiffed him in my pack and brought him with me. sad sad sad, huh? well, whatever works i guess. possibly i'm just a child at heart? yeah - and also a junkie. when i smoked my last joint in kamloops i immediately set my mind to how i would go about hunting some down upon my arrival. hey - at least i'm honest about it. most people deny it - can't admit they're junkies.

yeah ... so ahhh ... by the time we got to kamloops it felt like having entered the garden of eden. green, warmer. even a little sun. nice. i saw a couple get on the bus. it reminded me of what i missed. especially when she laid her head on his shoulder and snoozed. especially then. the bus, of course, got behind schedule. only 1 hour. no biggie. and still it left plenty of time to go carousing around the usual spots for weed. oh i hate buying dope on the street. oh especially at nite. i almost laffed out loud when the dude asked me 'are you a cop?' haha ... nah man. i'd never pass the fucking drug test! lol.

arrived and ... !
oh yes. it was a colourful walk my son and i had in the downtown east side at around 0200 hours. colourful, indeed. i made a point of telling my son that's not how i normally make my purchases. however, desperate times .... [you know the rest, i'm sure]. sounds like funnnnnn, don't it? lol. oh ... and its hasn't stopped, yet. as of this writing its 16:11 and i have yet to sleep. not feeling like it yet. i do that. in a new place. especially without M. don't like sleeping. it feels to .... empty and lonely.

well, wireless internet cafes rule. especially those opened 24 hours. oh yeah. guess where i'm gonna hang out? ha ha. well, not ALL the time. i gotta get me a job on tuesday. and ... oh i know i know i owe about 5 or 6 emails ... yes - i have not forgotten. please allow me to catch up with myself. please.

i feel good here. well, aside from the absence of that a vital piece of my heart. along with that core part of my soul. its ... its ... still in winnipeg. with its most gentle and beautiful keeper. but you know something? M, darling, you're here with me too - i see you so much in our boy. and me, too. in many ways.

thinking of L. makes me sort of think of my own mum. and now that i'm here with L. i just don't get mother. and how she so easily can unload her burdens on her kids. in fact her interaction these days consists mainly of playing broken wing. most parents go out of their way to avoid burdening their kids. mother, on the other hand, prefers to manipulate her children into staying close by playing broken wing. its not working. for me, its not. sounds harsh, perhaps. but not if you know the whole story. and ... in the end, regardless of what i vent here, i remain distantly respectful. i have come to realize the distance - its a requirement for the respect to remain. that's where i'm at. at this point, its the best i can do.

i'm spent.

[fotos: (1). M - taken the day before i left winnipeg. (2). & (3). the view from 'my room.' the picture does not do it justice. it looks too one dimensional - maybe a flash next time?]