wrestles with angels

fear not.
posts contained within wrestles with angels still exist.
also, a more comprehensive links lists exists there.

some dribble for you

1.what letters do you type most often? do you know? i do. e, a, s, n, l. that's pretty specific. how do i know that, anyhow? well ... those are the keys that have long lost their letter sign - meaning they're blank. i have typed them so much they plain wore off. and pretty soon, the letter m will get added to this list. just some completely irrelvant and totally meaningless trivia for you. to make your head explode.

2. do you think the core of who we are as persons changes throughout our lifetimes? if you took a personality test, do you think it would be different at different points in your life? i wonder. i wonder if the fabric of one's essence can change with the seasons of living. i feel like mine has. or ... perhaps not. perhaps the changes i perceive actually reflect the pieces of myself i have uncovered?

3. i'm hungry these days. but ... have no desire to eat. until my body threatens to quit. and then i have no choice. why is it some of us have this fucked up love-hate relationship between our hypothalamus and our stomachs? one has no idea of the social nature the act of eating until one no longer has someone with which to share meals.

4. i walked by a live power line just dangling from the trolley bus line on my walk home from school monday. a horde of cops appeared to be lurking about the neighbourhood. all just standing there, fucking the dog. i wonder about the folks that supposedly manage the safety of this place, when they have to be asked to do something about a fucking live wire, dangling onto the sidewalk. i cyncally wonder if this had been the ritzy shaugnessy neighbourhood, how differently such a situation might have played out.

5. there's a spider living on the corner of the door frame to my room. she's been there for a few days now. she scared me at first, even though she's just a tiny black thing. still - she's ugly and different looking. and so i perceive that as a threat/fear. instant reaction - i want to get rid of her. then i think - why? just coz looking at her bothers me? and so ... i leave her there. why not respect her for what she does? after all she has a role to play in the food chain.

6. do you know that more than 50 % of information you receive about a person you meet is non-verbal? know what i hate about george bush? i have finally figured it out. its simple, really. and has nothing to do with ideology. its the incongruence between his verbal and non-verbal communication. it casts him in a suspicious light.

7. i hate the phone. it invites misunderstandings.

guest blogger - my stuffed moose

lonely existentialist moose

moose seeks partner with fresh perspective to search for answers to the universal questions in life. (deep breath here) primarily - what is the plural of me? is it meese? meeses? mooses? moosi?
seriously! hell is not knowing the plural of yourself. how can i find love if i can't put an appropriate label on 'we?'
(sigh.) exploring the greath truths ... that's what counts in this life.

despair

why, oh why, does it seem so hard to tell the difference between the despair that's placed before us to tell us to change course and the despair that's an inevitable part of transition?
there's a saying that tells us 'things seem darkest before the dawn.' in fact, its cliche to say so. so ... ? why don't we ever get it?

why do we find it such a challenge to know? to know, the difference.
time and time again, when i face my old friend despair,
i fear i do not know him. after all these years, i still don't know.

other questions i have ...

why do people say such horrid things to each other over the phone?
do we get an emotional hard-on when we hang up in someone's ear?
why do humans inflict suffering upon each other? what's so fucking entertaining about it?

why is each one of us our own worse enemy? why?
what's wrong with having an addiction? really, i'm asking.
i mean, do you still villify a junky, even if s/he is a functioning junky?
why should i give up my addiction just to make society feel better?
society does not give up its addiction to greed and power and stuff to make me feel better.
so ... ? what gives?
it seems to me like some fucking control thing.
what are we, living in a fucking borg cube, or somethin?

stephen harper's a fucking imbecile

and so is anyone who voted for him!

sheesh! will we ever learn?

poodles on speed

i feel like i'm riding a poodle on speed these days. things that define my life seem to change on a friggin dime these past few days. whew! i am really getting too old for this shit. really, i am. well, i sure am glad i DON'T have a daughter. my son, he's a good boy who doesn't cause his dear old mum - me - any worry or stress. i know that daughters are a right pain in the ass. i can say that - i'm one. ha ha. i'm sorta being flip here, so don't go all postal on me and think i'm expressing misogyny. i'm just being my usual sharp-tongued self.

and that takes me nicely into my next point. i really need to work with machines and software, NOT humans. so - yeah, on this, my 15th or so day here, i find myself in school once again - i start monday. OMFG am i serious? yes. yes i am. oh the life of a student. like, as if i haven't experienced it enough! i know i know. i'm certifiable. but ... it works for me.

ok. now seriously. some philosphizing. about people. about humanity. how much seems like too much to expect from others? do we just assume everyone is a disappointment, a selfish, egocentric prick out for him/her self? that seems rather bleak, negative and hostile. that seems like the perspective of someone who fought the battle and lost. doesn't it? and now - the sticky part. what about siblings? do we expect anything from them? i'm inclined to think so. does that make me naive, or old-fashioned? thinking that i should still approach life with some faith in humanity? i hope not.



i'm curious. what does anyone who reads this, think? and ... does it matter? does it change anything - the way we approach and view other humans? i'm inclined to think it has a big impact on how we, as individuals get perceived by others ... by society at large. really.

image originally uploaded by crayzy ray, flickr creative commons

OH YEAH ... I ALMOST FORGOT -
I MADE SOME MINOR CHANGES TO THE BLOG.
YA LIKE IT? (that's really more of a rhetorical question, btw)

addiction - part 2

so i read this bullshit article that talked about some fucking study, published in some medical journal about how this so-called safe injection site is helping junkies and even helping them to quit. ya, well we can make the numbers say whatever we want, right? RIGHT. true, really.

i am just disgusted at the way politicians and other power trippers use the downtrodden and street urchins to fulfill their own egoistic purposes. lets just be honest with ourselves. we don't give a shit about others. we don't wanna help anyone, but ourselves. plain and simple. we all have an agenda. anyone who claims not to is full of shit - either lying or just incredibly naive.

i cannot juxtapose the incredulity of extreme opulence and extreme poverty, side by side in the strangest ways. for instance, a homeless person, with all his belongings in a shopping cart living on the street, and sleeping just beneath a large billboard-type sign that advertises condos in yaletown for $300,000. or another homeless person, curled up and sleeping just beneath a very opulent window display at the hudson's bay - velvet, taffeta, scarlett o'hara-type posh settings. does the existence of the very rich mean that the very poor will also be? i think so. WE HUMANS ARE SO FUCKING SELFISH!

so ... what does this have to do with addiction? i dunno. something. tho i have done a shitty job of connecting the two here in this post. not that anyone reads this anyway. you're all so busy convincing yourselves that you are good people, to take the time to read about the shitty side of life. and by that i mean the truly gritty, really down and out stuff. that i walk by each and every day. that most of us don't care about, as we wrestle our way thru the stores, beating people away from the latest XBOX or whatever stupid thing everyone is convinced they MUST buy! oh ... whatever.

just ... one more thing. before you judge an addict, try to truly understand that person. an addict doesn't wake up one day and say, 'gee, i feel like i wanna be an addict today! lets get started.' its definitely not like that. make an effort to find out what it is like. just to give you an idea ... living with an addiction is like trying to swim with a 50 lb lead weight attached to your foot. and you're not sure how it got there. and you don't have the key to unlatch it from your leg.

my message is i guess, don't judge. understand.

... to be continued ...