the art of hans ruedi giger

"...swallow everything out of the preacher's mouth..."

~the amorphous fury of the biological organism that seeps from the matrix of this piece reminds me of faith in the divine~

It is a frightening thought that man also has a shadow side to him, consisting not just of little weaknesses and foibles, but of a positively demonic dynamism. The individual seldom knows anything of this; to him, as an individual, it is incredible that he should ever in any circumstances go beyond himself. But let these harmless creatures form a mass, and there emerges a raging monster; and each individual is only one tiny cell in the monster's body, so that for better or worse he must accompany it on its bloody rampages and even assist it to the utmost. Having a dark suspicion of these grim possibilities, man turns a blind eye to the shadow-side of human nature.
~Jung~ Two Essays on the Collective Unconscious




To make light visible God had only to postulate shadow. To manifest the truth He permitted the possibility of doubt. The shadow bodies forth the light, and the possibility of error is essential for the temporal manifestation of truth. If the buckler of Satan did not intercept the spear of Michael, the might of the angel would be lost in the void or manifested by infinite destruction launched below from above. Did not the heel of Michael restrain Satan in his ascent, Satan would dethrone God, or rather he would lose himself in the abysses of the altitude. Hence Satan is needful to Michael as the pedestal to the statue, and Michael is necessary to Satan as the brake to the locomotive.
~Levi~ Transcendental Magic



What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~T. S. Eliot~ The Waste Land



In the Swiss soul, as all human souls, there are regions we do not know about...
~C. G. Jung~



"Human history in all ages is red with blood, and bitter with hate, and stained with cruelties ..."

"... death was sweet, death was gentle, death was kind; death healed the bruised spirit and the broken heart, and gave them rest and forgetfulness; death was man's best friend; when man could endure life no longer, death came and set him free."
~Mark Twain, Letters From the Earth~

my dog has been dead exactly a year. i miss him ... terribly.

jeanine deckers ~ seour sourire

remember this song?
take a listen ~ its from 1963
... lemme refresh your memory ...
"dominique, nique, nique..."




remember? perhaps you've seen the debbie reynolds movie, the singing nun? well, its about the lady, a dominican nun from belgium, who wrote and composed this song. mostly the details of her provided in the movie are sucra-coated - you know, fabricated. but, nonetheless, the song's interest lay just as much in the intrigue surrounding its composer and singer - a nun from a cloistered order prior to the second vatican council - as in its cute, catchy tune.

the song, of course, tells the story of dominique, founder of the dominican order, to which jeanine belonged. originally. she recorded the tape/album of some of her songs - including dominique - for her own personal use - for gift to family and friends. phillips, a record company, signed her up to a contract. the song dominique became an instant hit across europe. and on its release in america, sent that song 'louie, louie' into second spot on the billboard charts. jeanine appeared on the ed sullivan show, in a pre-taped segment. her growing fame and the publics fascination with this simple, pious nun from belgium, did not sit well with the mother superior of the convent ... nor with the church. the mother superior almost blocked jeanine's ed sullivan tape from airing. the convent/church did, however benefit from jeanine's success, given her obligation (vow of poverty which all religious must make) to give all her earnings to her order. the church even took the step of patenting the name 'seour sourire' -jeanine's stage name - making it impossible for her to use it after leaving the order. the church/convent failed, however, to pay any taxes on any of seour sourire's earnings. ever.



eventually jeanine gave up her musical career and fame. she never wanted fame ... never wanted to be a 'somebody' ... she only ever wrote and sang music and played her guitar (which she named soeur adele) as an expression of worship ... for g-d. she retreated back into her cloistered life to pursue her religious studies. in the late 60s, jeanine took a change of heart, no doubt influenced by the turmoil of change the second vatican council brought ... and also the increasing sexualization and rebeliousness of the 60s. she left the domincan convent, prior to making her final vows. soon after, the record company dropped her contract ... it seemed her status as a nun, and not so much her music, served as the magnet to draw interest toward her. she wrote a song in the 60s/70s praising the pill, and came out against the church's stance on the pill. she faded to obscurity ... never able to achieve the level of fame she reached with 'dominique.' and so she took to teaching autistic children, even opened a school with her lifelong friend annie pescher, also a former nun.

the two shared their post convent years together ... jeanine working on her art from time to time and even trying to revive her musical career in the late 70s/early 80s. her untimely and tragic demise occured as a result of the belgian government's demand that she pay $60,000 in back taxes for all her earlier earnings. she had no receipts to prove that she gave her earnings to the convent ... and so the government held her accountable for the heavy tax bill; they shut down her school, removing all hope and replacing it with only deep and heavy despair.

on march 29, 1985 the two women wrote their last letter together - a suicide note. and then they committed suicide by ingesting barbituates and alcohol. annie and jeanine begged g-d's mercy for taking their own lives; they had lost all hope and despair became too great for them both. g-d had seen them suffer, surely he would welcome them with open arms. they could not suffer anymore, simply could no longer endure. and so, they lost the light and succumbed to the despair. how anguishing must it have felt, for two deeply religious women to decide to take such an unimaginable action - take one's own life? how much struggle, torment, despair, and deep unrelenting suffering filled the lives of these ladies in the years that followed their departure from cloistered religious life? not to mention burdensome-ness of the obtuse rumors about their sexuality ... unfounded, as far as i can tell. and, at any rate, none of our fucking business (ha - excuse the pun).

so ... there's another tale in which the church just sucks the juices out of its individual prey ... and then tosses aside the remains. the financial part of this story just kills me ... really. along with the way in which we all make assumptions. along with the way the church just simply must squash absolutely every opposition that comes from within its own ranks. there's a word for that ... totalitarian comes to mind.

RIP ~ jeanine deckers ~ october 17.1933 to march 29, 1985

value

we spend so much of our time placing value on the things in life which have none: stuff. and then ... devaluing that which holds the most value: people. how odd. particularly for a race of higher order thinkers.

know what i think?

that we all know nothing.

the good father

3 years of prison for 47 counts of assault [that we know of ... that number grows still, as more women come forward]. he served only 3 months before dying in prison of natural causes. here's the sordid story.

47 counts of abuse. (can you compute that? that's 47.) over a period of 4 decades. numerous little girls between the ages of 9 and 15 years. 'touched' by father charles sylvestre. and many of these girls did what we have all always told children to do: told an adult they trust. only to hear things like ... 'well you seem ok, so we'll just drop the whole thing.' numerous counts ... numerous complaints ... all had fallen on deaf ears. the catholic church KNEW of these incidents. in fact, made frequent, weak attempts to rehabilitate father sylvestre with routine trips to counselling, etc.

however, at no time did any of the church hierarchy see fit to REMOVE canada's worse pedophile priest FROM ACTIVE MINISTRY! in fact, at one point the church even removed him from his post as parish priest before the police could get to him for questioning, under the guise of sending him to a 'retreat' in montreal! father charles sylvestre has since passed. and his victims continue to suffer ... and suffer ... and suffer. and so do all of their intimate partners and spouses. as for the church, they have mishandled this whole issue from day 1. alas, how could they have dealt with it any other way? i mean, a large group of sexually repressive, celibate, and for all intents and purposes 'asexual' and undersexed men ....? charged with the welfare of children? GIMME A BREAK!

what struck me about this whole story? the blatant perpetuation of lies, and abuse and the oppression of truth all with a view to 'protecting the institution' ... with a view to protecting a family's reputation among fellow parishoners. how am i, or any other believer, supposed to in all honesty, attend to, participate in or support an organization that protects criminal activity of the most horrific type, all for ego and reputation? how i am supposed to believe any priest when he says those words, read from his alter book, 'whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me' ...?

for years, i have had only the shakiest regard for that overgrown elephant known as the catholic church. i have known the greater part of my life that catholic hierarchy concerns itself with reputation, public relations, and their mythical vision/notion of sexuality, marriage and family life (like, none of them can purport to teach any of us how to manage a spousal connection, given they know JACK FUCK about conjugal life!) at the greatest cost to individuals, their personal suffering and any injustices contained therein. many-a-priest, and my mother's own parents turned a blind eye for almost 20 years while she received the most awful abuse at the hands of her husband. at least 4 miscarriages, several tumbles down flights of stairs, and a broken leg. and still, the party faithful could not bring themselves to step out from under the oppression of their rules to stop the suffering and save a family.

sure, i believe. i believe that no institution has carved a private golden road to heaven or g-d. i believe that the church represents a lying, power addicted corruption and that its had a hand in covering up the injustices of much suffering in this century alone, let alone in its long history. i believe that many paths lead to the promised land. and i will surely AVOID the path which that catholic institution insists upon. i don't know about anyone else in the crowd, but i cannot support, condone, or find any favour with any individuals or organizations that deliberately cover up such horrific abuses of children.

~the end~

visit the link ~the good father~ to see the website of this documentary, entitled 'the good father,' which includes a link to the documentary in full, interviews with father sylvestre's victims and the horrific, forty year timeline. indeed, its some splendid journalism. albeit on an ugly topic. we all must face the ugliness in order to appreciate the beauty of this life.

suffering

'when we witness abject horror, pain and heinous suffering an unspeakable number of times, do we become the suffering?'

questions, no answers

... questions posed some time ago in an email ...

here's what i wonder.

1. regarding the real and the illusory present ~ the present = my truth, i believe. that means the actions and behaviour i currently execute ~ they exist in the REAL. all the structure of society that surrounds me ... that's the illusory part. i guess, what puzzles me is the notion of this existence as a dream state.

does that mean, then, that when our spirits cease to reincarnate, we finally wake up? that when we stop 'living' (corporeally) we finally leave the dream state? what then? what then ... when we 'wake up' ...? i wonder ....

2. you would agree with my analogy of the human entity as a vessel, correct? then ... why, i wonder, do so many humans live as though filling their vessel(s) will make them lighter? by filling i mean possessiveness, jealously, greed, urge to dominate. and, i mean lighter, in the sense of peace and happiness. perhaps the answer to this one partly lies in ego, and our inherent inability to release our Selves from its grasp?

3. do you think that the spirits of those who have died can visit us ... such as in our dreams? do you think dreams can serve a purpose ... like a visionary purpose ...? or do you think of dreaming as purely neurological?

4. your analogy of compressing/oppressing the spring and agitation of the human spirit~how clever; i feel like that spring you spoke of. i wonder, how does one stay connected to one's spouse, without feeling stifled by the connection?

a curse of sorts?

*i am quite pre-occupied with school deadlines, having three in a span of just as many weeks. i have almost reached the end of deadline purgatory ... then i shall return to participating more fully in the blogosphere. missing you all, if you still bother to visit this site ... know i'm thinking of y'all ... here's something i wrote in may and never published ...*

a family curse, perhaps? perhaps. mental illness, thy name spells mystery ... and cursed, searing pain. not the simple, physical kind. oh, no ... i speak of the more elusive, the insidious, mental, spiritual, emotional sort of pain -- anguish. desperate anguish. the type of interior sensation that will eat you alive ... the type over which a vulnerable, frail psyche has no control.

a maternal uncle had a labotomy in the 1940s. that's what the course of treatment consisted of, for the ills of emotions and the psyche, in those days. just cut out a piece of their brains - they don't need that part anyhow. of course, i don't have to tell you that it only exacerbated the problem.

my maternal grandmother had the curse, too. i recall her energy as feeling quite morose, quite 'heavy' of spirit. i do not recall ever seeing her smile. a soul in torment, i believe. mother speaks of grandmother simply having these times when she 'took to the bed,' leaving grandfather to tend to the household and the five kids. recall, this is @ in the late 1920s, the 30s, 40s and 50s. not typically an era in which men did anything domestic.

in fact ... all of her children have the curse ... the darkness ... the beast that feeds on souls. lifestyle - a cummulative manifestion of choices and attitude taken through out the course of one's life - appears to influence the severity of the beast's affect upon daily living. in my humble opinion ... i'm sure those of whom i speak would vehemently disagree. of course ... of course they would.

my mother. waged life-long struggles with the beast. some she won. many she lost. and her children ... all touched by this darkness. in some manner of speaking. and ... history repeats itself. lifestyle remains strongly related to the beast's strength and his influence on daily living. how does this pattern get disrupted? can we disrupt it? i wrote in an email to a dear friend recently that i believe mental illness/imbalance has a spiritual original, in addition to a physiologic origin. if we change our spiritual behaviour patterns, can we shrink the beast?

EDIT:
can the spirit provoke changes in physiology? do some of us require chemical assistance, to tame the beast? or, to tame those external visions - (i.e. = pathological awareness/channeling of external energies)? i summarize my eccentric Self by writing, 'i know things and i don't know how i know them.' this knowledge frightens me sometimes ... sometimes thrusts me in deep black pools of despair ... sometimes compels me to drown my spirit in comfortable numbness. and still, as a stoner the sense remained. though the visions had less clarity and intensity.