enigmatic? the human psyche

[~inspired by an email i wrote recently to a dear friend, currently suffering @ the hands of that dark shadows that crosses spirits - depression~]

... about the beast within ...

each of us resides in special, certain part of ourselves ... some of us live in our heads ... some, live in our guts ... and so, those of us that have this beast .... share that space with said beast. as for 'subtle genetic make-up that adversely affects behaviour/personality ...' i do think that we - i.e. our current human society/species - have little or no understanding of the human psyche ... society speaks of psychiatric imbalance as purely a physiologic phenomenon. i, however, (having had lifelong exposure to said psychiatric imbalance) choose to see it less definitively. i see it also as a spiritual phenomenon ... those of us frail of psyche, prone to channelling the despairs that surround us, etc ... i think we have special sensing capabilities that other humans do not yet recognize ... call me crazy if you like ... but i cannot view any psychiatric illness entirely devoid of considering one's spirit ... one's soul.

i believe environmental manipulation - i.e. engaging in some spiritual ritual (in the case of johnny cash, this would mean appealing to his god in prayer, etc etc) - has proven helpful for some. and perhaps this reinforces my view of psychiatric imbalance as having partially spiritual origins. ... can the spirit/soul and the channels that it finds itself 'surfing' - can such activity manifest itself in brain chemistry activity? no doubt - i believe that's how our primitive medical community attempts to understand the psyche.

i see illicit drug use as intimately intertwined with this phenomenon - as in so many, many humans see and feel the need to self medicate. everyone does, somehow - through pursuit of power ... trifling, shiny and completely unnecessary material goods ... speed ... or just plain old trying to get as 'high' (i.e. 'stoned') as possible - comfortably numb, as the band Pink Floyd called it. we all have heard of that movie The Matrix. i believe its a wonderful, gothic-ly surreal (in a modern way) metaphoric interpretation of humanity and perception. in particular the choice Neo must make to take the blue pill or the red pill. does this not constitute the choice one's spirit makes regarding perception of one's world? one's truth?

... about the concept we call masochism ....
and ... that nebulous concept called 'balance,' or sanity ...

i wonder about myself sometimes. in a subtle way, though. like ... in the times when the shadow of darkness falls upon my spirit ... the feeling of despair reminds me i feel anything at all. and sometimes the purging sensation that courses through my very wise blood feels oh-so-much sweeter than does that often numbing sensation of 'happiness.' does that constitute masochism? or ... could one man's sorrow become another man's joy? and who decides ....? how can anyone determine whether any of us have psychiatric balance ...? considering our Selves all reside @ different calibration points (and in different parts of our own biologic microcosm) - what makes one one individual, with several years of university, qualified to judge something so raw ... so mystical ... so enigmatic? just thinking out loud, here.

martin has old, old scars along his arms from his youth/early adulthood - when he used to press the glowing tip of the cigarette against his skin ... just to feel something. masochistic, perhaps? to appeal to physical pain in order to dull that gnawing, aching, searing wound that makes one's spirit throb? i have had analogous experiences ... albeit with food/appetite ... in times of deepest depression ... it strangely, sickly lifts my spirit ... to feel the physical sensation of hunger. it gives my Self a physical focus ... draws it away from that which lies inside. does this constitute masochism? who's to judge?

about a girl

taken by 'mon petit loup' in jasper national park ... just outside the town of jasper, on the side of the highway. kewl, huh? yes ... he risked almost getting charged by this lovely aminal just to get these great shots. the music is "Tall Cotton" by Count Basie (what other, more appropriate musik could i set to this slideshow?)

i think she's totally cute ... sorta reminds me of a llama ... and ... YUP ... you guessed it - I WANT ONE. i want my very own elk. hey - i could promote her as the environmentally friendly way to lawn care ... think it would work? i mean, ya think any of the neighbours would buy my story? lol ... ok. likely not. or maybe i could ride her to work? do you think elks like to be saddled up? haha! ok ... probably not. but ... i still want her for a pet ... i suppose i'd settle for a mini schnauzer, though ... or maybe just a few more houseplants, for now.

in other news ... i'm 10 days' clean. i often feel as johnny cash described himself ... The Beast in Me ... alas ... the frail and fragile bars have held so far. the smell of everything (particularly food) makes me wanna barf ... and i can only eat spicy ginger beef without feeling completely icky. i think this will pass. (i cannot imagine how horrid it must feel like to kick a heroine habit ... honestly.)

we planted some tomatoes and hot peppers and geraniums in our l'il garden patch ... bought some houseplants ... and - most important of all - 'mon petit loup' returned himself to me. no woman could feel happier. i am TIRED, though - gettin' a l'il too old to cognate productively on 4 hours of sleep!

wishing you all a great, productive week.

a breathtaking dance

... for chickory - a kindred spirit ...



[pssst FYI - the music is 'mummer's dance' by loreena mckennitt, who happens to originally come from morden, manitoba - a small menonnite town just an hour or two from my hometown]

pssssssst - if you go to the original youtube page and view this in full screen, you will see the complete magic of this clip. enjoy it ...!

irrelevant, rhetorical, cynical questions

things i just wonder today ...

1. re: queen of the north sinking

finally ... after alot of sitting on their thumbs and rotating ... bc ferries has done what's long overdue - fired the asses of the three crew members in charge of the deck when said ferry slammed into gill island @ full speed and sunk, killing 2 people. what took so long ... ? bureaucrats justifying their pathetic existence, no doubt.

still ... despite the fact that 2 peopled died when this ferry sank a little over a year ago ... the public has yet to find out the full truth of what exactly happened. 3 crew members - one wonders WTF could've distracted them so much that they let a fucking ferry slam into an island. hmmmm - i'm just hypothesizing here ... but two male and one female crew member(s) ... geeee I WONDER what they could've possibly been doing!?? (hint - rhymes with duck, perhaps? just guessing ... since no one who knows wants to talk ... guess 'josephine public' just gotta make up her own theory, right?)

2. re: shane doan

why do federal bloc quebecois politicians - ie the bloc is that political party that only runs candidates in quebec and established itself on a separatist platform - give a shit who the fuck represents canada @ the world hockey championships? like - did i miss the memo that came out, saying nationalism's a fucking grand standing tool we can use to gain political points? since when do the separatists give a shit about canada? ha ... i scoff.

3. re: the vancouver canucks finish the season

duh! did anyone out there think that luongo - truly a stellar goalie - could win the fucking series all by himself? like - 56 saves later ... c'mon guys - as don cherry said once - 'don't forget to give those skates back to your sister, kid.'

4. re: 7,000 cruise ship tourists disembark from 4 cruise ships in downtown vancouver @ THE SAME TIME and they're pissed off they can't get cabs.

WTF?? could any city meet such a demand? gimme a break. and while we're on the topic - who the fuck planned this? 4 cruise ships all docking @ the same time? get real. and yeah ... locals can't even get cabs (many cabbies ILLEGALLY refuse to take locals from downtown to the suburbs late @ night, leaving them stranded), so why should we feel for those 7,000 tourists who are pissed they waited 2 hours for a fucking cab?

oh ... so does this make vancouver a world class city now? does this mean we're ready for the 2010 olympics? hahahahahaha! i laugh. as a lowly, buspass-holding, walking, i-don't-own-a-car and i-don't-take-cabs vancouverite ... i laugh.

i cynically am waiting for 'cash-strapped' translink to magically come up with $ to make the skytrain (i.e. subway) a 24 hour service - just in time for the olympics. FUCK THE OLYMPICS!

now ... if only we could find a bus or some large freight hauler to move all those unsightly homeless people and street junkies to mission or some other quiet, outtatheway place so's the VERY IMPORTANT olympic crowd won't hafta see the third world that's rapidly developing in vancouver ... hmmmm.

5. so ... does giving up pot make me healthier?

i have traded in my rolling papers and pot grinder for a package of cyanide sticks (i.e. cigarettes). does this make me a 'better' person? apparently. does it make me healthier. well, who knows ... considering the science says that pot is less harmful than both ETOH and nicotine. and more addictive. hmmmph.

[don't get me wrong ... i'm glad to be off the stuff ... just - appreciating the irony of the whole situation].

6. do i give a shit that paris hilton's going to jail? am i supposed to? why is that newsworthy?

7. re: kim basinger and pamela bach

why, oh why, are ex wives such BITCHES? get a clue girls ... and get the fuck over yourselves! and stop using your kids like some fucking pawns in a chess game. that just makes you pathetic and sad.

8. why does anyone think 12 degrees and sunny = shorts and flip flips weather? i mean, really?

9. why is there $ for the provincial politicians to get a 29% pay raise ... and there's no money for things like, oh, say - affordable housing, addictions programs, health care ...? just wondering how that accounting works. did i miss the math lesson?

ok. i think that's it. that' s what i wonder.

@ this moment ...

i FEEL the light ...
perhaps
- oh, just perhaps -
it means i'm emerging
from this darkness?

i'm ok.
i got thru
the hell of hades
... so i feel - today ...
[each day belongs to itself]

how'd i get there?
not sure -
my own, innate mood aberration?
sudden withdrawl?
(yes - i have quit ... my body is sick ... but my mind - its well, and sharp)
menses?

relationship stress?

OMFG
i can hardly believe its thursday
i've lost 2 days to my demons

and now ...
i'm dancing just as fast as i can
to complete a 45 hour course
in 20 hours!

*whew*

i have felt like this for days ...

pssst - if you're one of those carebears
that only wants to live in the 'feel good' moments -
then your post is two posts back - sea otters holding hands.

enter this post @ your own risk.

alone. alone. alone.
melting into the darkness.
GONE. GONE. GONE.
we have all GONE.
well ... no matter.
i have GONE. but, still -
i'm here. besides,
stuffed animals make
far better companions anyhow.
and so do street people -
even though they're only nice
because they want something.
... at least they're honest!
that's more than i can say for others.
human beings -
they're highly overrated anyhow.
they simply lie and patronize
far too much for my liking.
morality and rationality -
they're just costumes we wear.
ultimately everyone acts
in their own self interest.
g-d is a tool of our trade -
self-service.
only the very weakest seem so very strong.
no one will close his eyes for you.
no one will close his heart for you.
no one will open his heart for you.
no one will save his heart for you.
no one will protect and defend you.
no one will pick you up when you fall,
but many will trample you, without a second thought
no one will ever open a door for you
but many will want to slam it -
and catch your heart in the doorjamb
there are no lovers, or friends, or partners
community exists only in one's dreams
promises mean little more than
the dust from which we emerged.
happiness - the exception, not the rule.
pain - the currency of life.
go lightly from this ledge
leave @ your own chosen speed.
nothing in here moves -
everything - just made of stone.
festering madness will eat me alive,
reduce me to a few meaningless shards of glass
sharp - jagged - shattered.
melting into nothingness
a beam of light --
swallowed into a cell of darkness.

i give up today. i feel sorrow-filled.
disconnected. i want to disengage.
from everything.
i cannot. i will not.
but -- i dearly, dearly WANT to.
that makes me weak, i suppose.
or --
perhaps too honest for the living?

if you want feel good, see previous post

otherwise ... take a look. take a good look. its real. its not a political statement -- just ... the best thing i could find to express what i feel like inside.