i saw you: about my 2nd son

i saw you today. and my heart impaled itself on the searing, serrated tip of my own guilt. guilt over you. and, tendrils of shame stroked my raw and bleeding soul. shame. the shame of a fallen angel. shame. self loathing. it beats down on my chest. sucks the oxygen from the my lungs. whips the serenity out of my heart. pierces the tiniest capillaries of hope and light that nurture my ugly self. shattered light. and leaking darkness. leaking. darkness.

i saw you today. from afar. oh, distant fruit of mine. i felt you there. sitting. crouched. on the front steps. shielding yourself from the world outside your head. from the invasion of sensory information you do not have the capacity to filter. i touched that place in my chest where you used to lay your head. and i felt a stirring. my body remembers you, my child. and aches for what could have been. for what should have been.

i saw you today. i knew instantly. even before my brain took awareness from my senses. i felt you. in that part of my heart and soul which i've locked away. locked away from myself. that part of my heart and soul that got crumpled and torn on that day we gave you away. crumpled and torn - i'm crumpled and torn. and you, my damaged child. you hold such beauty and light in your essence. such beauty for which i do not feel worthy.

i saw you today. you did not see me. i glimpsed you from afar. your special, glimmering light cast a shadow on my dark heart. godspeed my child. godspeed. i wish for you much love. love that's as fierce and abundant as this aching darkness in my chest.

image originally uploaded by demagistris

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a note to my readers - this is the sort of stuff that i need to write. that i have longed to write for so long. that i have feared to write at the old blog, for fear of cruel or snarky judgement from the self righteous few who feel obliged to judge anything that does not reflect their small window on the world. thank you, if you have read this, for witnessing this darkest part of my humanity. i feel like if its on the page, its not inside, infecting me.

thinking about religion

ok. so, first post about this stuff. i’m trying something new. religion. theism. its shaped my person. the child i was once. the woman i’ve become. i don’t subscribe to a religion, really. in my mind the jury’s out on this god thing.
furthermore i think all those out there who pad their own egos and self interest in the name of their god are just as guilty as those they condemn as sinners, blasphemers and fallen angels. case in point - the vatican. just some other types of politicians. exploiting the belief system of the masses to forward their own political and personal agendas.
ok. that’s all i’m gonna say for a first post.
oh wait. one more thing. i wonder why is it forbidden to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge? what is it that god does not want us to know? that’s where i’m at with religion and belief in god.

dear Sara ~ letter to a nursing student

i'm a nurse. er -- was a nurse. i struggled long and hard with the many many stressors and burdens one takes on when one undertakes to become a nurse.

and in the midst of it all i found that this ... this is not for me. and for so many i have met. many an bright and shining light has walked thru the doors into nursing school only to find themselves so disillusioned and despaired by all the suffering and the huge burden of responsibility.

it is staggering, sara. staggering. you likely felt an inkling of this as you endured jjs illness and treatments along side him. but ... there is nothing like having the power to take someone's life your grasp. i mean - if a nurse makes a mistake it could mean a life lost. that is such a burden to bear, and one for which school does not prepare you.

also staggering is the soul crushing sorrow, and pain that nurses witness. but ... i'm not saying all this to scare you. just to give you a glimpse of what practice is like for a nurse. once you've witnessed the suffering, and death of a human you are never the same.

its the most privileged and awstruck i have ever felt. and i wish it for you. and i wish for you all the strength of spirit and heart and soul and pysche you will need to continue your journey into nursing.

and most of all, sara, i wish for you a steely strength of your convictions. you will meet darkness and see things that disturb you. remember always that a nurse's duty lies with her patient's well being first and foremost. and that is sometimes hardest of all.

good luck as you walk this journey. its is most rewarding and most sorrow-filled at the same time.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

emergence

we emerged from the dimly lit chambers of our souls today, he and i. our solitary, dimly lit soul chambers. where we had entombed ourselves in ourselves. a primordial retreat?

a sudden change of life's navigation path tends to suck one dry, so to speak, of essence. of strength. of momentum. change wildly casts its shadow. and each time i look, its slightly different. engrossing. frightening.

i told him in my way that i felt deserted yesterday. that, in my search for his reassuring wisdom yesterday, i felt sort of dashed away into the uncertainty void. yesterday, i silently floundered in my doubt. perception governs action. funny, that. and i felt ... unsure. un-valid. frightened, gawping out at the massive swelling sea of possibility that lies before me. and i felt a fleeting pinch of sadness, for relinquishing a noble vocation.

today the sun rose. we emerged from our searing solitude. we converged. my soul sighed in contentment when i felt him wrap his gentle and reassuring wisdom around me. and his eyes, once again, sparkle with hope and happiness. and positive energy burgeons. our cup, it brims over with love, light, hope and strength to forge ahead.

i have my one-way ticket in hand.


images originally uploaded by dleroy and cwhatuc

in the wake of death, and life

bleary-eyed, i watched that sherrif in colorado silently pull the steely strength out of himself. he desperately needed it to carry forward. to discharge his duties. i wondered. how do the strong and steely dispel their fear, grief and despair? he thought he hid it, i guess. thought that he swallowed it, right before he froze the grief on his face in a twisted contortion. but i could feel it. oozing thru the photons that sprayed from the flat screened beacon in this lair's living room. oozing. trickling. a gentle deluge. silent. unseen.

i felt it. raining down on me. and i let it. i thought of the girl he killed. 16. it made me think of my own. the one i gave up. 17 he will turn in 3 weeks. somewhere. he's lost to me. loss. i know that pain. but not really. these parents must also feel the outrage of innocence. i could not, only outrage at myself. and ... it reminded me that losing a loved one to death is not necessarily the most painful way to lose someone. what of the survivors? the ones who were 'sexually traumatized?' i think of connie francis, that 60s songstress who survived a brutal rape and basically lost herself in its traumatic aftermath. she lives, but her soul and her essence do not. and i wonder ... what of the survivors?

and then i see the mind ripping grief pressed into the lines of terri irwin's face. her steely, square jaw seemed to melt right there, before barbara walters, as she spoke of the moment she found out about steve's death. and the sobs. gutteral. primordial. soul eviscerating. as she spoke of her children. she wanted to suspend that moment when she knew. and her children did not yet. bindy, skipping. contented, like any well adjusted child. unware that her world is about to crash, with her in it. it chills me thinking of this. of this moment right before death touches you. for the first time. surreal.

image originally uploaded by melanosis

crushed creation

crushed. how i felt. this afternoon on the bus. on my way to see my drug dealer. and watching the humans around me, swirling like lemmings on a fly wheel. the feelings slid from my heart and sat in the pit of my stomach like a rotten meal.

crushed, i felt. and sick with sadness. thinking to self 'no lonelier have i felt in this adulthood than right now.' thinking to self 'now what?' pondering recent losses. the loss of truth. the loss of community. the loss of vocation. loss of dearest canine friend imaginable. does that spell the loss of purpose? for, i still ask myself, 'now what?' and, my psyche's teeming with questions and postulations and pondering the potential.

a swirling mass of unstable isotopes dancing in my head. and ... no one with which to reflect to reflect upon this confused tangle of life. but me. and, sometimes it just isn't enough. and, the love of my life? well, he's gone awol. gone awol into his cases of beer. gone awol into his hang over. gone awol into his hours of deep snoring slumber. hours. spent alone. with myself. and ... no one. why? how? how can a soul so deeply attached and committed to another feel such utter desolation?

the cusp of change. its barbed. and it hurts. and we're there - me and him. i feel it. i see it. its all around us. each moment burgeons with the future's possibilities. stunning. plethoric. unfathomably mammoth. like ... standing at the edge of the solar system. our solar system. looking into the blinding light of darkness. the blinding light of unknown. what lies ahead.

what lies ahead?

image originally uploaded by theronin

naked beginnings

welcome, me, to myself. i had a blog. the blog had followers. it seemed nice. only, i forgot somewhere along the way that the followers belonged to the blog. and not to me. egos seem steely and savage, even, when faced with the piquish sensation of external scrutiny. but when subjected to the sudden impact of rejection's brute force? egos shatter. into miniscule shards of seething loneliness. and these shards crumble. into nothingness. the nothingness of me.

and then followers bandy words like 'friend' about. it starts to feel exhilarating. and frightening. 'friend.' that's a threatening word. because it rarely lives up to itself. sort of like santa claus and the tooth fairy. and that god concept. does anyone really know 'friend' ... i mean, really? i wonder, y'know? and so ... the followers encroach. encroach. and it feels good. and it feels hurtful. and it puts me in a box. in a way. as followers seek to define me. label me. judge my moral certitude. while completely ignoring the message embedded in my carefully crafted posts.

ignore. ignore my message. ignore. ignore what i say. and then judge how i say it. ignore. and leave me feeling so desperately, nakedly invisible. ignore my message. and plump droplets of despair crash into my heart. with such a force of anguish. stunning anguish. it travels the circuitry of my bruised heart like some posionous spark. and the spark. its intensity grows as my body absorbs it. swallows it. dissolves it. my spirit feels dirty ... ugly ... infected. stained. in comparison. to yours. i feel. the old stains. mine. rising. to the surface. of my emotions. and, in that radiant shaft of glinting sunlight, i behold. myself. boldly. i behold myself.

myself. alone. alive. aberrant. a blinding helix of inherent instability. breathtaking to behold. noxious to inhale. corrosive to touch. myself. so many times crumpled up and tossed away. now, flinching from touch. refusing to surrender self. to trusting. anything. or anyone. cold to, but longing for, connection. some sort of outside connection. struggling to demystify this deep-seated need to belong. belonging drowns me. traps me. defines me. strangles me. rejects me. belonging rejects me. me - reject.

if i belong then i am vulnerable. if i belong i have surrendered my trust. bared the softest portion of my soul. to such undeserving creatures - homosapiens. i know you smell the weakness there. the blood, which boils and shrinks simultaneously around its lesions and disfiguring bruises. you smell it. you feel it. you taste it, as sheets of my hyperbolic anguish sweep across the battered pages of my soul. i know you. like all the rest. homosapien. just lusting for the blood of another weak soul. my soul. raped. by rejection.

image originally uploaded by melanie photo art

i plucked you away

originally uploaded by daniel morris

searing …soul crushing …relentless pain
smothering me
the fruit of my mothering …
plucked away from me …
by me ... by us
and reduced to a large plastic bag

he came to collect your belongings today
the man walked out with everything … you …
casually, like a bag of garbage

the door closes behind the man with the bag
leaving me imprisoned in my sorrow
an image of you, etched in my heart
elfin child - soft ivory skin, long chestnut lashes
intoxicating squeals of laughter

each day that passes
without you
the deeper and more palpable my loss becomes
my respirates
i do not feel alive

crumbling grace and scoured petals - (repost)

i awoke to the sensation of something slimy touching me. touching me. first my hand. this pulsing, hardened thing. pulsing and slimy. and then ... then other places. i felt that slimy pulsing hard thing rub against my tummy, my chest, and .... i have this image of the thing in my mouth. gagging. quietly gagging. and i carry this image of the thing in my head. and my body remembers that i saw the thing alot. alot. and my body remembers that it hurt. that it felt ugly. made me feel ugly. inside. and out. and flawed.

i remember you sitting on me once on the toilet. you would take it upon yourself to invade my privacy every chance you got and touch me. touch me. coz you couldn't keep your fucking hands off me. and your fucking dick in your pants and away from me. were you wearing pants? i don't remember seeing them. did you visit kay's room too? (before she died, she said you did things.) was that before or after your visits to my room? do you think mum bought that 'checking on the girls' excuse all along? or is that why you liked to stay up later than mum?

i know you spied on me ... lurked about ... (among other things) while i slept, or pretented to sleep. did you know? that sometimes i pretended? i know you did things. ugly things. things involving your penis. i remember having bladder infections. severely. all the time. i remember the way of our household. doting, touchy-feely, controlling father and emotionally absent mother. and, i remember what mother said to us girls: 'i don't love you or you' ... 'i'm gonna kill myself and it'll be all your fault' ... is this why? is this why she said those things? because she knew?

i remember your rules and control. of us, your girls. YOUR baubles ... existing solely for your pleasure. i remember how your forbade us from going to sleepovers. and from having any of our own. i remember the visits. flashes. bits. shards. and the way you owned me. invaded me. violated me. my body remembers. remembers the sensation of you, violating me. scouring my tender, frail flower. scouring my insides. imagine steel wool scouring an orchid. that's what it felt like. SCOUR. pieces of me flaked away with each thrust. you erased me ... eroded me. with your slimy sandpaper thing. with your sandpaper lust.

pieces of my heart flaked away.

to nothingness.
again. and again. and again.
my heart flaked away to nothingness.
painful. searing. desolate.
you reduced me to nothingness.

i hold no grudge. i feel no desire for revenge. but i have closed my heart to you. and i feel repulsed by your touch. and your desperate, silent pleas for mercy. i hold no grudge. i feel no desire for revenge. but i do not surrender forgiveness. and i never will. your grace grotesquely crumbles. and i feel pangs of sadness. for you. for me. for what could have been. if only. if only. and now? what do you expect? how dare you expect anything! that's what my bruised raven heart cries out, in the dark of night, when my body cannot sleep. you took a gentle dove in your hands. and you pressed. suffocated. choked the life from it. and your grace grotesquely crumbled.

and flakes ... of you ... of me ... fall, piercing, sinking. gashing at my sanity.

eviscerating my pysche.

images: 1. ghostbones , flickr, 2. artist unknown 3. fernando graphicos, flickr

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this is a repost from the old place - originally posted 12.09.06