Wednesday, December 31, 2008

how much

Wednesday, December 31, 2008
how much = too much? how much = insufficient? how much = enough? over the past decade or so, daddy has always tried to do everything, not really allowed mummy to do very much. i appreciate the sentiment, but that just never seemed quite right. as a nurse, i try to assess just what activity level an individual can sustain, and encourage that individual to operate at that level. its always best if we do as much as we can for ourselves. and so, that lesson has come upon mummy and daddy the very hardest of ways. and so, today i sat while mummy used the dirt devil to quickly vacuum the kitchen floor. i know she feels as though everyone tells her what she cannot do, and like she's losing control. for heaven's sake, her own brother refuses to give her the keys to her own car! despite the fact that i am quite capable of driving said car! and so it goes ... with family.

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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

virtues and lessons learned

Tuesday, December 30, 2008
i need me some patience. that, i suppose, is why i feel my patience tried and challenged so much lately. the lessons we need to learn appear before us time and time again in life, until we get it right. blah. daddy should not have to apologize for wanting to help. as a little girl he always involved me in the tasks he carried out. that's how i learned things. like how to cook. i want to protect him ... relieve him ... serve him. but ~ he's learning too. learning how to let others serve and look after him. i know ... its a tough lesson to face. i could never leave him. even if i wanted to ... i could not.

give me strength, dear god. please ... strength, grace and patience to get through these next few weeks.

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Monday, December 29, 2008

denial

Monday, December 29, 2008
the air stagnates here ~ so much denial everywhere. i can barely breathe in this place. i have a crushing headache. patience escapes me at some key moments. i feel a bit like a caged lion. beholden to the clocks of others. caught in a ridiculous family dynamic of building empires and carving a path to martyrdom. heaven forbid that i should interfere with someone's ticket to martyrdom! i feel like a mule. i feel alone. tired. angry ... so angry at all the denial that surrounds me.

i want to give up ... but i do not want to run away.

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Sunday, December 28, 2008

a frail carousel

Sunday, December 28, 2008
i want so desperately to write in this journal about the struggles a caregiver faces. i want to write about the constant, silent pain of watching age and disease slowly ravage an adored parent. i want to write about the grief that strikes a heart that has to tell a proud and independent parent s/he can no longer drive. i want to write a brilliant exposé about the carousel of life. but, alas, my dear friend .... i am so tired from enduring the silent pain; from carrying the grief of aging in my heart; from living through the minuscule and not-so-minuscule battles and frustrations that comprise my daily existence.

amidst all the reasonably organized chaos i find my heart feels happy to have a purpose ~ to once again, find balance through service to loved ones. and my marriage, that diamond-strong skin which has endured so much assault, has survived intact when we'd nearly abandoned it for dead. so many of the lessons my husband and i have faced in our partnership have necessitated long periods of separation. at the start of my marriage i would say to my wolf, 'i cannot live without you.' now i say, 'i can live without you, but i choose to live with you.'

i feel as though my grown children have transformed back into young, school-aged children. only, my parents have become the children in a way. getting mummy & daddy all bundled up for outside feels a lot like bundling my little ones up for the school bus. and so, the more things change ... the more they remain unchanged.

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Friday, December 26, 2008

chihuahua!

Friday, December 26, 2008

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

Transcending Oneself

Sunday, December 21, 2008
The experience of difficult and miserable times, themselves, hardly suffice as grounds for dissolution of a marriage. As the date of my wedding anniversary approaches, I remind myself constantly what a sacred entity I nearly threw away. And of how stupid and selfish I have behaved. One's life will always fail and falter if one places a drug, or any other material substance, in the centre of one's existence.

A marriage isn't just worthy when it serves my ego and makes me happy. And happiness (or lack thereof), seems to me, the STUPIDEST reason of all to contemplate ending a marriage. When is it ever wrong to want to fix what's sacred? If the spouses in a faltering marriage have extended to each other the gift of forgiveness and acceptance, than why should anyone else have trouble with things?

My decision is final.
I will entertain no further doubts or questions about it.
This time, I refuse to succumb to temptation ~
I have delivered myself from it.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

life's like that

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

~ Happy 40th Birthday to Wulfine ~

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Can You Hear Me Humming, Mon Cher?

Thursday, December 11, 2008


"... When you're close to tears remember
Some day it'll all be over
One day we're gonna get so high
And though it's darker than December
What's ahead is a different colour
One day we're gonna get so high..."

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Sunday, December 07, 2008

i am ~ je suis ~ ich bin

Sunday, December 07, 2008
i am water ~
flowing to the lowest places,
sometimes stormy,
sometimes bottomless,
the softest of substances,
yet, best at conquering the hard and strong.
unalterable ... unchanging
and, still ~
taking the shape of my surroundings.

~ the bird spirit lives strongly inside me ~
~ my animal spirit guide is the eagle ~
vision - seeing things others cannot
tenacity - hanging on, even when it hurts
~ graceful - mystical - creative ~

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